losing a family member v quickly

Hermia

I have experienced both in my family. Whilst a quick death is more of a shock and can throw up practical problems (in that the person's affairs might not be in order) I think it is better in the long term. Watching a person die slowly is horrendous and can be utterly exhausting if you are the carer. Plus it is a comfort knowing a loved one died with little suffering and often without knowing what was happening.

Bear in mind people can be quite competitive when it comes to bereavement. Every time I have been bereaved I have encountered someone who felt the need to tell me that their bereavement was worse than mine.

Anatidaephobia

Hermia wrote: »

Bear in mind people can be quite competitive when it comes to bereavement. Every time I have been bereaved I have encountered someone who felt the need to tell me that their bereavement was worse than mine.

I have experienced this too

I know one person in particular who refuses to allow other people to talk about their feelings or experiences with people dying because she just talks over them to tell them about her own experiences. She'll tell anyone who will listen that they "don't know how hard it can be" and follow that up with a detailed description of how hard it was when her 85 year old grandmother died in her sleep when she was a child.

While I don't doubt that losing her grandmother was awful, a) it's not a competition, and b) it's not a very respectful response to give when someone else is going through the grieving process. She gave me the you-don't-know-how-hard-it-can-be spiel when someone close to me died from cancer and I overheard her say something similar to someone who had miscarried

jackieb

I would say a sudden death is preferable. Of course it's a shock but I think it's how most of us would choose to go if that choice was ours. My Dad died 3 years ago 4 months after being diagnosed with lung cancer, and it was awful. And I mean awful for him. We would have put up with anything not to see him suffer. My Dad was a very quiet man who didn't talk much about how he was feeling, but I think he was scared. The Marie Curie nurses used to come in and sit with him so I could take my Mum out of the house for an hour or 2, and he liked that - he seemed to get things off his chest. I think he felt he could talk to them about it as he didn't want us to be upset by talking to us about it (we would have listened but he just didn't want to talk about dying to us). The only thing he ever asked my Mum was that he wanted us all to be there at the end - and we were, we never left his side for the last 2 days.

It is the worst thing to watch someone you love, suffering. There are medications that help ease some of the physical pain but it's what must be going through their minds that is just as hard. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Unfortunately my Mum's memories seem to be tainted by his illness and she dwells too much on when he was ill. He was ill, i'll always know he was ill. It doesn't make me uncaring trying to forget it and i'm not denying it - it's just my way of coping with it.

Also, my Mum's friend lost her husband very suddenly. She spoke to him when she got out of bed. She went back upstairs with a cup of tea for him and he was gone. She says that my Mum was lucky. I wouldn't call it that. And anyway, it's not a competition, no one wins, no one is lucky!

Mrshaworth2b

I watched my mum gradually get more ill from when I was 14 until she died when I was 20. Yes I was lucky to have her because when I was 18 we were told she would not see my next birthday (she saw another 2) but watching her fight everyday and have her tell me she had had enough was flipping heartbreaking and took its toll and everyone around. It's now given me issues with anxiety especially around illness.

Dropping dead would have been a shock but knowing someone is ill is not a better senario and anyone that uses the term "lucky" to be around suffering is wrong. Neither is better than the other.

Prolonged illness mean day by day you lose bits of thag person, sudden death leaves you with what ifs and a lot of unanswered questions.

It's like saying should I be mad that my friends have their parents still alive even though I have a grandparent and they don't?

anmarj

My mum took ill on the Tuesday, diagnosed with lung cancer the Friday and died the Sunday. My dad was ill for months, but at the time I had been shielded from the extent of it (just turned 16 at the time). when I think about my sister father in law and the treatment he is going under, makes me glad my mum did not suffer for long, we felt that she would not of coped with everything.

pwllbwdr

The shock of losing someone really quickly and not having had a chance to say goodbyes is really tough. I haven't experienced a slow painful death of someone close so I can't compare the two.

Best would probably be enough time but not long and painful. Best doesn't often happen.

74jax

Thanks all for your comments, and sad personal stories too.

I think you're right, extra time with loved ones would be lovely, if that extra time was with them fit, well and healthy.

The long term illness v sudden death is something I've often thought off. Dad has had many many close shaves, being called to his bed as 'he only had half an hour' to him leaving hospital the week later. I wonder how much more he can take. He was the strong head of the family, he wouldn't want this. But there's no way i'd want another day with him like this, he's just in too much pain and is a frail shaddow of his former self.

To the person who posted about convincing someone to have an op. I too think about this. Dad had his first bowel op about 5years ago, all was ok but he said he'd never have another op again. When it spread we convinced him along with his surgeon to have his kidney op. He was under for 11 hours and it took him 6 months to recover. His first words were he wished he had died on the table........

It must be very hard being so I'll, and just waiting for it to happen.

My brother and I are very close and get each other through things. Don't talk to DH or share it with him but I'd be lost without my brother. I don't know how only children cope really.

GwylimT

My wife died very suddenly after she was diagnosed with cancer, we knew it was terminal but most with her stage had another 4-5 years before their health became poor. She was shopping one day and taking our son to the park, the next she was dead.

In a way it was nice that we knew, she had also left birthday cards and letters for our son, I was happy that she had been able to do things that were important to her before she died.

Jacko_amz

I have also experienced this only last week, my wonderful grandmother passed last Thursday. She had cancer which was only diagnosed on the Friday and then she passed on the following Thursday, the family are still in shock. It's so strange to think a week ago she was fine, living a normal life then she was so ill. She didn't have time for chemo or anything �� there will never be a right time for a relative to pass it just happens and everyone copes in different way, it still hasn't sunk in for me x

j.e.j.

It's a shock when someone dies suddenly, and it can shake you up badly, but I would rather that than someone dying, inch by inch, and having to endure these "therapies" (chemo/radio/whatever) which are basically poisoning the body.