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Experience of mediation/Court with child child residency disputes
Bluemeanie_2
Posts: 1,076 Forumite
Hi,
Has anyone had any experience with mediation and going to Court with child residency so they can put my Hisband's mind at rest please?
Background is Husband has son 12 and daughter 10 from ex-girlfriend. They split up when son was 5 and daughter was 3. She has gone on to have another two children ( she has split up with the Father of those children too.)
Son has always asked to live with Dad periodically. Husband knowing he was too young being away from his Mum etc knew it was in his best interests to stay with her kept saying when you're older.
Fast forward to the last year, his son has sat Dad down "properly" and said he really isn't happy at home and wants to live with us. Dad explained he can't go back and forth when something doesn't suit. He will have to move School etc.
Husband contacted the ex and tried to discuss with her. Was met with a brick wall and she wouldn't even discuss it.
Suddenly six weeks ago I get messages from him asking to pick him up as his Mum is abusing him. I told him he doesn't have to invent this to get out, if he's really not happy we will sort it properly. He insisted its true, he's left to look after the younger 3 kids, made to do constant jobs and gets slapped if they're not done properly, he doesn't like his Mum's ex-boyfriend who still comes around etc.
Husband goes to pick him up straight after work, tells her what happened, there's an argument and Husband takes him. Arranging with her Mum to go on Sunday for a "meeting."
At meeting its decided that nothing will change (with CS, child benefit, swapping Schools etc) until after a month's trial in case he doesn't like living with us and the grass isn't greener.
After a month he decided to stay then suddenly she kicked off again (I don't know what the point of agreeing to the month's trial was) saying it's not ok with her and she wants him to go back.
Her and Husband have massive argument, she brings up all the tiny things my Husband has allegedly done wrong over the last years (their relationship has never been good, she didn't like it when I came on the scene) but none of this relates to son and where he wants to live.
His son goes to see her, explains that all of her issues are with his Dad, while punish him for her issues with Dad, it's where he wants to live, he's not happy at her's, it's his decision, Dad didn't instigate it and he doesn't want to go back to her's.
She still says she wants the Court to decide so he is just waiting for mediation paperwork. He doesn't know what he's going to say at mediation as it's what son wants. Dad just wants to see him happy. Son says even if the Court orders him back he is refusing to go and will tell them he interprets being shouted at and slapped as abuse etc.
I do feel sorry for her in a way, it can't be nice to bring your son up for 12 years then he wants to leave. But Stepson has just always been besotted with Dad always wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. They have common interests and enjoy a lot of time together.
Can anyone give him (Husband) some idea of what mediation is like? Will the Mediator step in if she just keeps going on about the all the things he's supposedly done wrong and say this is supposed to be about what Son wants and his best interests?
Has anyone had any experience with mediation and going to Court with child residency so they can put my Hisband's mind at rest please?
Background is Husband has son 12 and daughter 10 from ex-girlfriend. They split up when son was 5 and daughter was 3. She has gone on to have another two children ( she has split up with the Father of those children too.)
Son has always asked to live with Dad periodically. Husband knowing he was too young being away from his Mum etc knew it was in his best interests to stay with her kept saying when you're older.
Fast forward to the last year, his son has sat Dad down "properly" and said he really isn't happy at home and wants to live with us. Dad explained he can't go back and forth when something doesn't suit. He will have to move School etc.
Husband contacted the ex and tried to discuss with her. Was met with a brick wall and she wouldn't even discuss it.
Suddenly six weeks ago I get messages from him asking to pick him up as his Mum is abusing him. I told him he doesn't have to invent this to get out, if he's really not happy we will sort it properly. He insisted its true, he's left to look after the younger 3 kids, made to do constant jobs and gets slapped if they're not done properly, he doesn't like his Mum's ex-boyfriend who still comes around etc.
Husband goes to pick him up straight after work, tells her what happened, there's an argument and Husband takes him. Arranging with her Mum to go on Sunday for a "meeting."
At meeting its decided that nothing will change (with CS, child benefit, swapping Schools etc) until after a month's trial in case he doesn't like living with us and the grass isn't greener.
After a month he decided to stay then suddenly she kicked off again (I don't know what the point of agreeing to the month's trial was) saying it's not ok with her and she wants him to go back.
Her and Husband have massive argument, she brings up all the tiny things my Husband has allegedly done wrong over the last years (their relationship has never been good, she didn't like it when I came on the scene) but none of this relates to son and where he wants to live.
His son goes to see her, explains that all of her issues are with his Dad, while punish him for her issues with Dad, it's where he wants to live, he's not happy at her's, it's his decision, Dad didn't instigate it and he doesn't want to go back to her's.
She still says she wants the Court to decide so he is just waiting for mediation paperwork. He doesn't know what he's going to say at mediation as it's what son wants. Dad just wants to see him happy. Son says even if the Court orders him back he is refusing to go and will tell them he interprets being shouted at and slapped as abuse etc.
I do feel sorry for her in a way, it can't be nice to bring your son up for 12 years then he wants to leave. But Stepson has just always been besotted with Dad always wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. They have common interests and enjoy a lot of time together.
Can anyone give him (Husband) some idea of what mediation is like? Will the Mediator step in if she just keeps going on about the all the things he's supposedly done wrong and say this is supposed to be about what Son wants and his best interests?
I'm never offended by debate & opinions. As a wise man called Voltaire once said, "I disagree with what you say, but will defend until death your right to say it."
Mortgage is my only debt - Original mortgage - January 2008 = £88,400, March 2014 = £47,000 Chipping away slowly! Now saving to move.
Mortgage is my only debt - Original mortgage - January 2008 = £88,400, March 2014 = £47,000 Chipping away slowly! Now saving to move.
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Comments
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"Will the Mediator step in if she just keeps going on about the all the things he's supposedly done wrong and say this is supposed to be about what Son wants and his best interests?"
Yes, they will or just completely ignore her "reasons" for bringing a load of irrelevant nonsense up. Plus, they will consider the child's views on the proposed arrangements, too. And at 12 they should carry some weight. Being shouted at and hit, plus being left to parent three younger siblings cannot be in the best interests of the 12 year old.0 -
As I understand it ex will have to put a self-referral in for mediation before she can apply to the Court. Do you know what she is applying to the Court for? Has the ex told your husband that she has applied for mediation?Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till the End
You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time0 -
She claims to have seen a Solicitor and put in for the mediation. Coincidentally Hubby has received a card today for a special delivery (no one was here) so we are wondering if it's something to do with it.I'm never offended by debate & opinions. As a wise man called Voltaire once said, "I disagree with what you say, but will defend until death your right to say it."
Mortgage is my only debt - Original mortgage - January 2008 = £88,400, March 2014 = £47,000 Chipping away slowly! Now saving to move.0 -
Bluemeanie wrote: »She claims to have seen a Solicitor and put in for the mediation. Coincidentally Hubby has received a card today for a special delivery (no one was here) so we are wondering if it's something to do with it.
Imagine a room.
Him
Her
Neutral 3rd party
That's it basically. With them compromising re the child(ten)0 -
That's it basically. With them compromising re the child(ten)[/QUOTE]
Without meaning to be negative, I don't know how Hubby can compromise in this situation. Son wants to live with him, the Mum doesn't want him to to. Hubby compromising will upset son and make him resent his Mum etc and he says he won't stay with her he'd run away! I wish the Mum would just accept he has always been taken up with Dad!I'm never offended by debate & opinions. As a wise man called Voltaire once said, "I disagree with what you say, but will defend until death your right to say it."
Mortgage is my only debt - Original mortgage - January 2008 = £88,400, March 2014 = £47,000 Chipping away slowly! Now saving to move.0 -
Bluemeanie wrote: »That's it basically. With them compromising re the child(ten)
Without meaning to be negative, I don't know how Hubby can compromise in this situation. Son wants to live with him, the Mum doesn't want him to to. Hubby compromising will upset son and make him resent his Mum etc and he says he won't stay with her he'd run away! I wish the Mum would just accept he has always been taken up with Dad!
The mediator makes sure the conversation can happen.
The content of the conversation is between them 2. So they get out what they put in.
Of course (assuming there is no residency order) you keep son, she then needs to go to court to get him back.0 -
No advice to give but just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful step-mum. Hope it all works out.0
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Mediation is to try to see whether they can come to an agreement - this might perhaps include reaching agreement about facilitating contact, what will happen re: financial support etc. One issue may be whether Mum accepts that son wants to live with Dad, and the extent to which she accepts that his views should prevail.
*some* (but not most) mediators are trained to work directly with children and it is possible that they may be able to faciliate a neutral person speaking directly with Son about what he wants.
It is also possible that the referral to mediation is simply a box ticking exercise to enable Mum to make her application to court. If it goes to court, then "the wishes and feelings of the child. considered in light of his age and understanding", and also any harm he has suffered or is at risk of suffering are both factors which the court will take into account.All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)0 -
at the age of 12, childrens views are taken more into account, it may be that mediation doesn't get anywhere and it gets referred to the court, at this point the court may well bring cafcass in to act as eyes and ears and make recommendations, there report has a good standing with the decisions that the court make.
By the way, you sound a lovely and supportive stepmum, xxxx rip dad... we had our ups and downs but we’re always be family xx0 -
Thank you all for your kind comments and support. I've always tried to be supportive.I'm never offended by debate & opinions. As a wise man called Voltaire once said, "I disagree with what you say, but will defend until death your right to say it."
Mortgage is my only debt - Original mortgage - January 2008 = £88,400, March 2014 = £47,000 Chipping away slowly! Now saving to move.0
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