Condolence?

Rachel85

Very briefly, I have a friend who I was good friends with at college. (We dated once, albeit very briefly!) We drifted apart when I moved away to uni 3.5 years ago, but without any bad feeling.

I have just found out that his mum has recently died a few weeks ago. I know he will be extremely upset as they were very close, and lived together.

So I am wondering firstly whether I should make any contact (a close friend of his seemed to think it'd be a good idea) and if so, what I should say and how I should go about it?

I don't want to send a text or an e-mail, but can you write a letter to a man in his mid 20s? I am also keen not to offer anything I cannot deliver, paticularly as I live so far away. So I don't want to say "if there's anything you need..." because I'd not be able to be there all the time. However, I would like to highlight that I am always at the end of the phone or a computer keyboard.

I am fortunate enough not to have been in his situation so I don't know what's write or wrong. If anyone has any advice it'd be appreciated.

Thanks

cazziebo

Yes - a letter or even a card would be lovely.

I have been in this situation and it meant so much to me that others were thinking of me. It probably mattered more some time after the event than just after the bereavement.

You don't have to offer anything - just let them know that you're thinking of them. If you did meet his mother then something like "I'll always remember her as a kind/gentle/fun person" as appropriate would be nice too.

x

bluebell13

I think cazzieboo has summed it up brilliantly. I would definitely send a card/letter. In this situation people can never have enough support from genuine friends.

suekjw

I had a similar situation happen a couple of years ago. I wrote him a note inside a card. He did appreciate it. I think it's nice to let someone know that you are still a friend.

mae

I agree with the above posts. Also if after a couple of months could you offer to have him stay for a few nights as a change of scenery and to catch up with him as it is after the first few months that I feel most people need help as people drop off and assume that things are getting better.

Bewitched2761

Totally agree with mae do write letter/ or card when you lose someone close every card etc really matters. would also keep in touch, people expect you to move on quickly and you get a lot of support at the begining which can be quite overwhelming at times but then people drift away and thats when you really need the support so an offer of a bed a few months down the line might be very welcome

Nicki

I'm also fortunate enough not to have lost anyone close yet. In this kind of situation though I try to imagine the tables turned, and what I would appreciate from the bereaved person. If you had lost someone close would you appreciate receiving a card from this person, and how much support would you feel comfortable with? If you'd be embarrassed if he wrote to you in similar circumstances saying come and stay with me in a few months, then don't go this far. I would have thought that simply giving him your new phone number and email address would be enough, and perhaps also saying that you will phone him in a few weeks (and remembering to follow through with this) might also be appreciated.

Taffoire

when my mum passed away suddenly last year, I received a card from a friend that I hadn't seen since junior school (I'm 27), and to be honest it's one of the ones I can still remember. It arrived about 6 weeks after my mums funeral because my friend had only just found out (she lived in London, us in south wales).

She'd written in it a couple of her memories of my mum, and how she'll remember her. It was wonderful to hear other peoples experiences of my mother and it actually comfortated me a lot to know she was so loved and respected. She also put her mobile number in, and said she'd love to get back in touch. It was really nice to have an old friend "around", and we've spoken a few times since then.

Please, in my experience don't worry about bringing back "bad memories", as hearing accounts of your encounters with their Mum will help them remember their mum as they were -

my friends encounter was that she took my prized barbie when she was playing at my house and refused to let me play with it, so my mum brought the egg timer upstairs and told us to turn it over when the sand ran out, when we turned it over, we had to swap the toy over! My friend said that although she was upset that my mum took the toy off her, it taught her to share and respect! How wonderful that 20 years later my mum had taught her something that had an impact on her! :A

Taff xx

Dumyat

have to agree with the cards especially the ones which have a little message in. it's a great comfort to think that someone is thinking about your loss, and personal messages make such a difference.

duchy

I agree a card or a letter-especially with one that talks about the special things you remember her for or commenting on how close they were is really appreciated (from personal experience).
I don't think it matters what you say -it doesn't need to be word perfect-it's the fact that you felt moved to write that will be appreciated and helpful.

Janepig

After my mum died I had a card and letter from someone I used to work with who I rarely see now and it was really nice because (like others have said) she wrote about her memories of my relationship with my mum, so if you feel that's the right thing to do then go ahead.

Jxx