Joint finances when you have children?

System

My mum became a SAHM when my sister was born, 23 years ago.I guess now she'd describe herself as a housewife. She admits it would be difficult to find a job now as she's not worked in 23 years and she also has really bad rheumatoid arthritis which would make working difficult at best. My dad is honestly ok about all of that, to be honest he's retiring in 2 years (after my bro and sis have finished uni). They don't claim any benefits (they did claim Cb but this was axed when the threshold went down), so they live on my dads wage and shortly my dads pension. I don;t hold that against her, it works for them, just wouldn't work for me.

I find it quite saddening to be honest, she doesn't have many friends, so she doesn't go out for coffee dates or the like . But she just keeps the house in top condition. But she's happy. If she's happy, and my dad's happy, then fair play to her.

Jagraf

Kynthia wrote: »

I know someone who is a sahm and has three children in primary school. It certainly doesn't look like an easy life to me. She'd struggle to find a job that fits in with school hours and is flexible about the number of times one of her children is sick. Her husband works long hours and often does weekends too and relies on her to do most of the household cleaning and tasks, bills, organising children and their activities, buying their clothes and food, cooking, arranging work on the house, helping with homework, etc. Their in her care from waking up until 9am then 3.15pm until bedtime, not that she stops working then. It's amazing how quick 2.30 comes along when she has to head off from wherever she is to collect them from school. Her work certainly isn't 9-5 so if she takes a couple of afternoons a week to go swimming or meet a friend for lunch then her husband doesn't think anything of it and definitely doesn't mean she has an easy life.

I had a cousin whose life was very similar to this - long time ago as the kids are all left home now. They coukd manage quite easily on one salary and he had a terrifically paid job. She made the decision to go back to work three days a week and pay for childcare and a cleaner (in fact I think it used almost sll of her income) because she was finding that they had nothing to talk about - they had met when she had a professional job and her life had changed beyond recognition and his hadn't. Once the kids were older she was able to go back full time and she now has a very full life and career, the extra income means they can treat the kids and go on holidays as they reach retirement. All the kids are successful rounded lovely children with a great work ethic and I think she did it brilliantly. Won't wirk for everyone but it certainly kept their marriage working better.

charlishae

My oh and I got a joint account when we first moved in together. At the time I was a student and had my own account where my loans went and used that money for everything although could obviously access the joint account when needed. All the rent/bills etc were paid out of the joint account. Our daughter was born about 2 years later and I have been a SAHM ever since so don't have any income so use the joint account for everything, I thought most couples shared money! Even if a sahm went back to work in a lot of cases the wages would only cover childcare so would be left with nothing anyway (if youngest child was under 3).


I cant imagine being in a relationship with the kind of attitude from the working parent where they view their money as their own.

clearingout

BigAunty wrote: »

A bit of devil's advocacy here.

Lone parents (typically 95% female) make up around a quarter of households and this figure is likely to grow. The UK has one of the highest rates of lone parenthood in the EU.

Of course, many work but then again, many work in part time roles that don't pay any or much tax as they are only required to work 16 hours to qualify for working tax credits. Of course, child care is expensive and that's a national scandal.

Originally, lone parents could claim Income Support until their youngest child turned 13 but this has been reduced to 5 when they are now ported onto Job Seekers Allowance.

So from a taxpayers perspective lone parent SAHM are net takers and a drain on the public purse. Yes, of course, they may return back to work later but then again, most of their working age is spent out of the workforce. Yes, of course, their children will pay into the system but then again, lone parents are more likely to begat children who become lone parents themselves.

I personally know a number of lone parents in my social circle and family who haven't worked for 10 or 20 years or have only ever worked on a part time basis in low paid roles so continue to not pay any tax and to receive funds approaching 10 or 20k per annum in benefits.

I'm not suggesting that we go back to the dark days of the 70s where I recall my lone parent next door neighbour having to pull tatties and pick spring onions in the fields to make a bit of extra cash and was so hard up, she used to swap veg she'd picked for tins of beans with my mum.

However, SAHMs can be costly to the public purse.

and not one mention of the father's responsibility towards his children.

clearingout

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I agree so why would you have kids with these types of men?

because by far the majority of abusive men are upstanding members of their communities? because abusive men don't go all in guns blazing...but rather they pick at you, over time, until you're left wondering if you're really the problem and your self-esteem is so shot that you can't see right from wrong and believe it's probably all your fault?

Chances are, someone you know is in a quietly abusive relationship where money is controlled, or they are told they are stupid and ugly, or they are forced to have sex on a regular basis, or beaten where the bruises don't show or a combination of these things...and that person you know is screaming for help inside but is terrified of actually asking for it because the people around her say that kind of carp on a regular basis. That and they suck up to the charming, charismatic husband who just ran the marathon and raised thousands for charity. Can't possibly be him, can it? Must be her...

Jeez...with friends like you, who needs enemies?

moomoomama27

My husband and I are equal, we always have been we always will be. Our wages go into one joint account and are used to cover all the family finances.

My husband has always had a higher laying job than me, and there have been time when I've been a SAHM when my children were all under school age, but there's never been any of this yours and mine rubbish!

All bills are paid, extra curricular activities that our children do is put to side, we save monthly for Christmas, birthdays and holidays and then we allow ourselves a small but equal amount of pocket money then the rest if the spare cash just gets used as and when, but belongs to the family!

GwylimT

Our wages are paid into our own personal accounts, we have a joint account for utilities and groceries but my wife doesn't pay into this as she has fairly hefty medical bills each month. We have an agreement that we both put x amount each month into our childrens bank accounts.

When we both worked part time we both paid into our joint account splitting all costs 50/50 and we put x amount in a savings account, we could do as we pleased with the rest.

fierystormcloud

GwylimT wrote: »

Our wages are paid into our own personal accounts, we have a joint account for utilities and groceries but my wife doesn't pay into this as she has fairly hefty medical bills each month. We have an agreement that we both put x amount each month into our childrens bank accounts.

When we both worked part time we both paid into our joint account splitting all costs 50/50 and we put x amount in a savings account, we could do as we pleased with the rest.

Are you not in the UK then?

In the UK, the national health service covers medical bills.

As for your second paragraph; that sounds like a good idea.

borkid

Reading all these replies makes me realise how lucky I am. Ok married 41 years ago so things have changed. Before we married we talked through what we wanted re children/ money etc so we knew we were in agreement.

The first 4 years was spent saving for a house and furniture. I worked full time and all my earnings apart from fares into work were saved for the deposit and furniture. We decided we needed to be able to pay bills etc out for OH earnings . We had a joint account after bills and savings we paid the remaining money was split equally between the 2 of us. When the children came along I became a SAHM and we continued to arrange our finances in the same way.

When the youngest went to school I realised I was too out of dated to return to my previous work so retrained to teach. The main advantage being I would be home for the children. Apart from 1 year I only ever worked part time so that I could be around for our children even when they were in their teens. One thing my OH remembers about his teen years was that his mum worked full time and he always returned home to an empty cold house and he hated it. My OH also said I should get my own bank account and keep all my earnings as he was earning enough and didn't need the money. I did use it to pay for extras/ university costs for children/holidays but it was never used to pay for basic bills.

Fast forward to retirement, he retired early and we moved house so again I was without work. I did a little paid work and again kept the money. Now I'm fully retired and still keep all my pensions ( he doesn't want any) although again I do buy a lot of the extras holidays, concerts. Now have we decided that he becomes a joint account holder on my current account and credit card, not because he would use it but just to make things easier if anything happened to me.

I suspect there are going to be some out there who think its unfair and OH is hard done to but I asked frequently if he wanted me to put my earnigns into the joint account and he didn't. I also gave up a lot, my doctorate and a job I loved but we both agreed that our children wouldn't be left in child care and as he had the greater earning potential I gave up my career.

If we were starting out now would I change? Well possibly have a family later but money wise and my work pattern probably not.

Peter999_2

I suppose you could pigeon hole me as been controlling as I look after all my family's finances.

We have a daughter of 10 and we both work, me as and IT contractor and my wife as a secretary at my childs school. We were together for 5 years before she came along, married for three. When we met my wife wasn't great with money - got ripped off all the time especially with cars etc. We both had well paid jobs, we used to pay for everything equally and the rest of the money was our own - this seemed to work really well.

When my daughter was born, I offered for my wife to give up her job if she wanted and we would survive on my salary alone. Neither of us wanted to put her in nursery all day and it was quite obvious during her maternity leave that she wanted to look after our daughter full time. At this point I took over all finances, it wasn't a big thing for us and just made sense. There was no spending limit or housekeeping or anything like that - she just bought what was needed including treats for herself. Every penny we had was family money, not mine or hers and it didn't bother me at all. I knew my daughter was getting the best possible early years I could give her (we're very lucky that my wife just adores children, especially playing with them etc. and she worked so hard as a housewife). I never really did much around the house and very rarely got up during the night to see to our daughter. Though, during my holidays I did a lot more, but as you can imagine my wife was so much better than me at housework with being so used to it so she still did the bulk (she does have her routines)

When my daughter was old enough to go to day nursery my wife volunteered there and really enjoyed it. She then became an assistant teacher in my daughters school so there was no problem with childcare, the money she earnt then just went into the family pot. We both had accounts in our own names (never, ever joint) but I controlled them all, making us small amounts of money with cashbacks, money off stuff etc.

We weren't overly happy with the school my daughter was at, it was fantastic at first but they then knocked down the school and built a new one. Unfortunately it was completely open-plan - we didn't like that at all. None of the kids really concentrated with there being no walls or doors between classrooms and it was very distracting. My wife decided she wanted to work more hours so she started looking around for other jobs in schools. She applied for one job for interview experience but ended up getting offered it. She was an assistant teacher split with working in the school office, it was a struggle for her to drop my daughter off at her school and then get to work but she did manage it.

At this point I had a chance of voluntary redundancy at my job. There had been a big rumour that the terms of redundancy were going to change and this was the last chance of a large payout - so I took it and left. (sure enough the terms did change and if I had of gone later the difference would be over over 60% less than I got).

At this time my wife was offered significantly longer hours at her school. We both discussed it and decided I would become a househusband, I was more than happy with this as I got the chance to see more of my daughter etc. I still looked after all the finances at this point but never really spent much on myself and my wife never spent much on her - only really family stuff.

This went on for two years, and it was wonderful. My life was very idyllic, no more stresses from work and getting to see my family so much more. I did all the housework at this point. Cooking, cleaning, washing etc., I didn't really let my wife do much at all though she did help out every now and then. I found it quite hard for the first week (though nothing like my normal work) but after that it was incredibly easy. I think maybe because I'd done a stressful job for so long it was really nice just doing very routine things that were always the same. I used to do all the main housework on the Monday and then I'd have the rest of the time for just me. God, thinking back I really did have the life of Reilly. I know it would have been so much harder with more than one child but I found it easy with just one. Also, she is just such an lovely girl and it a real goody goody, no doubt this made it easy. I used to pick her up from school and then go to the park feeding ducks or roller skating etc. for a couple of hours until her mum came home. This is without doubt the best time I have ever had in my life.

Finally, we decided it would be better for my daughter to go to my wifes school. It is a fabulous school - outstanding with Ofsted and really great teachers (the teachers give up their own time on a night for various clubs and extra tution without getting paid extra). We even moved house to be near the school and they can now cycle there every day.

I then thought I'd just get a little job to get a bit of extra money and started applying. Unfortunately it's not that easy finding a job when you haven't worked for two years so after a couple of months I got talking to an old work friend. He was an IT contractor on really good money and literally got me a job where he worked. I've now been a contractor for 2.5 years. It's good money but does involve 2 hours travelling every day which is tiring. I'm hoping to just do this for a little while longer and then get a job closer to home. I still look after all the finances, and to be honest I think I do a very good job at it. I'm very financially savvy and can save a fortune, my wife just wouldn't have a clue. I would hasten to add that she seems to be happy with this - she just knows I am really good at it (she on the other hand is the most organised person I've ever met and is the most wonderful wife and mother - I am very lucky. I do know this and never take her for granted).

She does have access to everything, and every few months we sit down and I show her where everything is, what money we have, what insurance policies we have etc. She does find this boring but will go through it as we both know if anything happens to me she needs to know how to get to everything. I keep everything on spreadsheets and heavily encrypted password keeping apps to make it as easy as I can for her.

I honestly think that there are no hard rules on finances for couples, you just have to work out what is best for your family. Find out who is best at what and let them do it.