Split with wife - house, kids, stress and confusion...help

Karsa_2

I want to leave my wife for reasons I won't go into, but I have a fantastic relationship with my young children and I know any split will be devastating to them, and to me too. My wife and I jointly own the house and have a fair bit of equity. She doesn't want to separate and wants to work it through, I have tried but can't. So she has said that is my choice to split up the family so she will stay in our house with the kids while I pay the mortgage, as she says she cannot buy something locally for the school, kids friends etc, with her equity and any mortgage she might get if we sell the house.I will struggle to pay the mortgage and rent anything more than a bedsit, which is not ideal as I would like joint custody of the children. But I am told that that's my choice and I either have to stay and work it through, or leave and not disadvantage the kids and take the pain of my choices.
I really do not want to uproot the kids, as she is right, it would be tough for them on top of parents splitting, but I believe that we can each get a half decent house fairly locally and go our separate ways, whilst trying to put kids first.
I am struggling with the guilt though of choosing that I do not want to be in the marriage and my choice having implications on the children. I am also immensely stressed and the atmosphere at home is awful that is now starting to impact the kids. I try to keep it away from them but I think my wife wants them to know that if we split who made that choice, I.e. Me. She is telling me that I need to leave if I am not giving it a go. Again, I don't really have anywhere to go, and can't afford it anyway.
I can't think straight, writing it out maybe helps, but if anyone can advise, suggest anything it would be much appreciated.
Thank you

Pricivius

A few points in case it helps at this difficult time and presuming you and your wife have been married for 5+ years:

- It is likely that a Court (if it got that far) would order that your wife can stay in the former marital home with the kids, BUT she must fund this choice. Arrangements would be made to release whatever equity you have when your youngest turns 18, either by selling or by your wife re-mortgaging etc...

- Your minimum legal obligation will be to pay your wife whatever the CMS (formerly CSA) calculate is due. You can access the calculate on their web page. This would be payable to your wife, less any deductions for nights the kids spend with you. Obviously you are able to pay more, buy them clothes, toys or pay for classes on top, but the minimum is all the law requires.

- If it is the case that your wife does not work in order to bring up your kids, spousal maintenance may be a consideration. This is something I know next to nothing about and I also struggle to understand, so I'm no help!

I suggest sitting down with your wife and going through the finances. You may both be surprised at the amounts she would be entitled to in benefits as a single mother, so things may not be as financially dire as you suspect.

The Courts tend not to be interested in blame so whilst she is obviously hurt and wanting to paint you as the guilty party, it has little to no financial influence.

Take some advice, propose mediation and try to agree with your wife that you need to work together for the sake of your children.

Mojisola

Karsa wrote: »

I am struggling with the guilt though of choosing that I do not want to be in the marriage and my choice having implications on the children.

I can't think straight, writing it out maybe helps, but if anyone can advise, suggest anything it would be much appreciated.

Don't get carried away and promise her the earth through guilt - it's sad the relationship has broken down but it happens. Get in touch with one of the fathers' support groups - sharing how you're feeling with other men who know what you're going through will help.

http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ is another very useful site.

Tigsteroonie

Karsa wrote: »

She is telling me that I need to leave if I am not giving it a go. Again, I don't really have anywhere to go, and can't afford it anyway.

You don't have to leave. Despite it being your decision to end the relationship, you both at the moment have equal rights to live in the house. Tell her that you believe you can remain civil, and that living in the same house for the interim would reduce the disruption to the children. Then suggest that if she doesn't like it, she can move out :rotfl:

Guest101

Karsa wrote: »

I want to leave my wife for reasons I won't go into, but I have a fantastic relationship with my young children and I know any split will be devastating to them, and to me too. My wife and I jointly own the house and have a fair bit of equity. She doesn't want to separate and wants to work it through, I have tried but can't. So she has said that is my choice to split up the family so she will stay in our house with the kids while I pay the mortgage, as she says she cannot buy something locally for the school, kids friends etc, with her equity and any mortgage she might get if we sell the house- This rings alarm bells. She needs to come to terms with the split. If she wants to retain the house, she will have to pay the mortgage, or the house be sold. She can then rent with the equity. I will struggle to pay the mortgage and rent anything more than a bedsit, which is not ideal as I would like joint custody of the children. - Nor should you have to. But I am told that that's my choice and I either have to stay and work it through, or leave and not disadvantage the kids and take the pain of my choices. - Since you are splitting up, her 'wants' are not your concern, Whilst she may well get the right to live in the house until the kids are adults (18), you certainly arent obliged to pay her mortgage.
I really do not want to uproot the kids, as she is right, it would be tough for them on top of parents splitting, but I believe that we can each get a half decent house fairly locally and go our separate ways, whilst trying to put kids first. - i think both renting family friendly housing is going to be best for them.
I am struggling with the guilt though of choosing that I do not want to be in the marriage and my choice having implications on the children. - part of getting married and having children I am also immensely stressed and the atmosphere at home is awful that is now starting to impact the kids. I try to keep it away from them but I think my wife wants them to know that if we split who made that choice, I.e. Me. She is telling me that I need to leave if I am not giving it a go. Again, I don't really have anywhere to go, and can't afford it anyway. - Her wants are really meaningless beyond maintaining a civil relationship.
I can't think straight, writing it out maybe helps, but if anyone can advise, suggest anything it would be much appreciated.
Thank you

As above in red

thorsoak

The "wants" of both the OP and his wife are irrelevant - the NEEDS of children - who are the innocents who suffer in a situation such as this - are - or should be paramount to both parents.

It is very sad when a relationship breaks down - but although it is human nature for the person who wishes for the split to feel guilt, and for the one who has been rejected to want revenge - they should come together in a united front to decide what is best for the children.

Guest101

thorsoak wrote: »

The "wants" of both the OP and his wife are irrelevant - the NEEDS of children - who are the innocents who suffer in a situation such as this - are - or should be paramount to both parents.

It is very sad when a relationship breaks down - but although it is human nature for the person who wishes for the split to feel guilt, and for the one who has been rejected to want revenge - they should come together in a united front to decide what is best for the children.

Well said.

TBagpuss

The reasons for the marriage break up, and who makes the decision to formally end the marriage, are not relevant to what the financial settlement will be. You wife is mistaken if she believes that if you leave,she automatically has an entitlement to remain in the house and for you to support her.

That said, I would recommend you don't move out at this stage. Move into a separate bedroom, but not out of the house.

You say you would like 'joint custody' - this would now be known as Shared Care. Issues around the children will be decided (if the two of you can't agree) by considering what is in the children's best interest, it is about what is best for them, now what you or their mum wants or feels is 'fair'.

How are the children cared for at present? Do you and your wife both work? If the current situation is that you work full time and your wife does not work, or works part time around the children and is their main carer, the n it is unlikely that a 50/50 split of care will be appropriate, or indeed practical.

In terms of the financial position, think about the practicalities - e.g. if the house is sold, what would each of you be able to afford? How close would this be to schools etc? If you do have unequal incomes then it is likely that it will be fair for the lower earner to have more of the capital, as they will only be able to afford a lower mortgage.

If she and the children can reasonably be rehoused in a smaller property, it is unlikely for a court to consider it fair for her to remain in the family home, if this would mean that you could not buy anywhere at all. Your needs for a home, and to have somewhere suitable for the children (even if there is not 50/50 shared care) is a relevant need, just as her need for suitable housing is.

Go and see a solicitor. Look for one who is a member of Resolution. Consier asking about Collaborative Family Law, which is a way of working together to an amicable split.

Bear in mind that the two of you are at different stages. You have determined that the marriage is over, she has not yet accepted that. If you can, giving her a little more time to accept that it is over may make is eaiser for the two of you to then move forward, separately.


You wife's attitude in seeking to tell the children that you are at fault is wholly inappopriate. It may be worth suggesting that you go to Relate (or a similar organisation) together - even if getting back together is not an option then this may help the two of you discuss and agree on what, and how, to tell the children.

Some important points to include when speaking to the children :
- Mummy and Daddy both still love them
- Mummy and Daddy splitting up is *not* as a result of anything the children have said or done and is not their fault.
- They will still be spending time with both of you, just not together.

If you can do nothing else, try to agree with you wife that this is a conversation which the two of you have together with the children, and reassure them that they do not have to pick sides and that you want them to enjoy the time they spend with mum, and she wants them to enjoy time they spend with you.

Karsa_2

Thanks all. TBagpuss, re. Work, my wife, as she reminds me whenever possible, gave up f/t work when we had kids and I have been the main breadwinner, although she works p/time.I am unfortunately looking for work at present as my current contract ends in a few weeks, and although I have always remained in work, things aren't looking as good as they have in the past. So I will be working I am sure, just not bringing in what I have historically.
At present I have a very flexible job so I drop kids to school most days, and look after them most evening while she works, so it is very much shared care. How this would work after any split would very much depend on both of our employment situations...
To be honest my work situation doesn't help, always worked but partly via choice, wanting to have more time with kids etc I have over past couple of years been lucky to get really flexible longish term contracts locally that allow me to take on more childcare. But not knowing what my next job will be until I get it makes it tricky - I guess it's likely that it will be f/t and less flexible unless I drop lucky again.
Yes my wife has, in her anger, despair, fear whatever involved the kids after I have begged her not to, and my biggest fear is that my relationship with the kids will be soured as I try to be the best dad I can.

Guest101

Think you need to have a frank discussion with her.

Something like 'i know right now it all seems scary, but I am the kids father, always will be. Think how you'd feel if i bad mouthed you, how they must feel about the whole situation. People split up all the time, it doesnt have to be accrimonious.'

Of course if she comes back with the 'its you fault' argument.

My counter would be - ' if things were great with you, would i want to leave'. - but you havent really given details of the reasons for break up.

FBaby

So both children at school. As such, she can't really justify that she needs to remain part-time, especially if historically, you have been taking on a share of the the childcare responsibility.

You could come to an agreement that you both pay half of the mortgage until she can buy you out and you keep you 50% share. Maybe she can do this whilst remaining part time, or she might have to look for more hours.

I do sympathise with her, it is very very hard to share your space with the person you love and want to continue to be with when they can't wait to get away, so I can see why she would be pressurising you to go. I also understand her point that if anyone should be affected worse, it should be you, not her.

Still, as everyone said, a resolution will need to be reached and that can only happen through talking and coming to an agreement that is realistic.