Other half is in debt - how do I get him to cut his spending?

SSS123

My husband of 37 years has a real problem with debt- he hides it from me and will not admit it is a problem. It is a problem for me!!! We have separate accounts and he will not tell me how bad things are- but today I found credit card/loans & bank statements adding up to over £20k of debts- interest payments alone come to over £100 a month! I had a well paid job but was made redundant 3 months ago- at nearly 60 i don't think I'll get another job. Up to now I've paid most of the bills. I worry that we'll lose our home as soon we'll not have enough to pay the mortgage & bills. He does have a part time job & pension & I have a bit of money, but I can see problems if he does not cut his spending - but he does not think it is necessary. I've tried to discuss this with him- but he just gets really angry - he does not think there is a problem. I just don't know what to do - any ideas?

sourcrates

Hi,

Welcome to the forum.

No magic wand will work here I'm afraid, if you cant impress upon him, how close to the edge he is actually standing, he is going to have to have his "light-bulb moment" on his own.

Usually takes a major personal upheaval, like the loss of a job, or relationship, to bring people to there senses in matters like this.

I think you may need to try again, 20 grand of debt, with only a small income, is massive cause for concern in my book, its a common story actually, one partner refusing to accept there is a problem, i think its something you are going to have to work on, until he sees the error of his ways.

Sometimes people can be extremely stubborn until its pointed out to them in black and white.

SSS123

Thanks so much for your reply. It really helps just being able to share my concerns. I will confront him & see if I can get him to face up to the problem. That would be a start!!

wiltsguy_2

he may be glad when you confront him, get it all out in the open etc. Then together you can work out a way ahed clearing this debt!

Bobarella

What do you think has caused the debt situation? If you pay most of the bills what has he spent that money on? Often I read on here of the spouse who has run up the debt has done it for selfless reasons like keeping a family afloat following a cut in income but this sounds like something else. Does he gamble? Take you out all the time? If it was me I'd be really angry I think till I understood just why we were in that boat.

Tixy

Definitely try talking to him again. Tell him how concerned you are but that you hope between you that you can come up with a plan to tackle the debts that you now know about.

Someone posted a few months ago where they had actually written a letter to their partner in debt because he would refuse to discuss it. It turned out the one in debt was so ashamed and frightened they were going to lose their family that they couldn't see a way out.
The letter helped them realise that their partner would be supportive but only if he asked for help and came clean about the extent of his financial difficulties. Might something like that work with your husband?

allydowd

Confront him with these facts:

Point out that on a debt of £20,000 with an interest rate of, say, 13%, if he pays only 3% off each month it will be 285 months to pay off this debt. During that time, he'll pay £10,746.00 in interest. That's over 23 years!

Check on this snowball calculator and you'll see this is the truth (Link).

rockm87

I've found that leading by example, and being open and honest is a great way to encourage your spend-happy partner.

This year is my final push to be debt free and I've been open with him about how I am doing it and why, and how I feel about it. I have encouraged him to support me, and in being my personal cheer leader to become debt free he has turned his finances around too.

He already has a DMP, but he now has a more sturdy budget for the rest of his money, knows that we can openly discuss money and if he needs to borrow money from me rather than go into debt, he can talk to me about it, and discuss repayment plans. He has even denied/delayed buying himself things because he cant afford it...honestly this is a massive step! but he knows I am right behind him, praising his good decisions, and picking him up if he falls behind.

He is really happy that WE are working toward a debt free future.

I also listen to Dave Ramsey podcast (free online) and he now and again listens in and offers advice outloud about what the listeners to do to rectify their own spending habits, and I think it builds his confidence knowing he is on the right track.

enjoyyourshoes

Real challenge, some options :-


1. Discuss having joint 'life objectives' which are motivational
2. Agree how finances will support this objective
3. Once achieved agree next etc
4. Discuss in an open, none threatening and supportive environment the current debt.
5 As discussed above prepare figures or website that will calculate the cost of supporting debt, how long it will take to pay off debt an how much the debt will have cost you both
6. Identify source of overspending (as above) (the symptom)
7. Identify why he overspends (the real problem)
8. Identify how to solve the REAL problem long term
9. Agree & set up spending plan you can afford within your existing financial envelope
10 Get him involved daily on reconciling bank account and updating spending plan, ensuing your both are on track, both involved and both are part of the solution.
11. Link back monthly to why you are doing this financial activity, ie link to your joint life objectives.
12 Keep persevering
13 Identify how to stop the sieve of overspending and have a revolution in transforming this into a saving habit (some great accounts out there with good monthly interest rates) But ink the saving to the life objective (I know you both are not in the saving camp yet but you will be !)

DigForVictory

Print out this thread?
It's never too late for a light bulb moment, but both murder & insolvency are complicated.

andyfromotley

Try not to 'confront' him.

A gentle, but persistent, conversation may be a better approach. (but is of course much more difficult to pull off as you yourself may be confused, angry and scared)

You have a right to know about these matters as they concern your very basic needs of security, housing and financial future. So do not give up on this, make it clear that you wont be put of by his anger (that is one of the main purposes of his anger, to make you stop asking/talking about it) If you can push through this initial response of him then hopefully you will get to the bottom of it.

Once you know the scale of the problem please come back as you will find plenty of help on here as to how to get out of it.