Feeling left out

Feelingdown_3

Hi, I have been browsing this site for about three weeks and have just joined. I really am amazed at the help everyone gives each other and it is great to see so many pieces of useful advice in one spot.

This probably isn't the correct site to post this message but since everyone seems so good at helping, thought I would try.

My problem is that I am in debt, but am working my way out of it. I have written up my own soa [not on this site, feel too shy yet] and by looking at other people's advice have worked out plans with companies I owe money to, so thanks to those who helped out other people, you've unknowingly helped me out too!

My problems though are that at work I used to go to lunch in our canteen near work every day, it is quite a cheap canteen and would often double up for lunch and dinner for me as meals are filling. Since I've reined in my spending I'm not doing lunch anymore but taking my own sandwiches in. Problem is eveyone goes to the canteen and because they all earn a lot more than me, it's no problem to buy lunch everyday, i mean no-one in the whole takes their lunch to work except me!

I now eat my lunch at my desk and just read my free paper. The ladies I used to go to lunch with have, I think, taken this personally and now exclude me from any events they go to [after office events, social events]. I wasn't especially close to anyone, but feel really down and cry a lot because I am being so excluded all the time.

I mean can it really be because I don't go to lunch anymore!? It feels like school all over again but I really don't know how to handle it - so I just retreat and don't talk to anyone really, which probably makes the problem worse.

I know this sounds really really silly and so many people have so many things that are so much more important, but if anyone could offer any advice as to how to act around these people that exclude me in everything it would really be appreciated.

Thanks for listening and so sorry this was so long.

cazziebo

Welcome to the wonderful world of MSE!

It's amazing how people interpret different situations. Look at it from their point of view. you used to choose to spend time with them, now you seem to prefer your own company. They don't think they've done anything to upset you but nah - you'd rather sit on your own reading a free paper!

Reminds me of a few years ago when a new family moved into my street. They were so perfect, mum dad two sons, and granny lived with them so built in childminder. My husband had just left me with two young children, I was tired all the time, childcare was so difficult. We were "coldly polite" to each other. We got talking at a church event and they had thought I was too good for them - with my flashy company car and having it all lifestyle. I'd thought they'd look down on the poor single mother abandoning her two kids at a childminders all day. We ended up really close.

I'm guessing your colleagues don't know your financial situation, and I think if they did know, they'd be quite ashamed of themselves for acting in this way. Why not just drop in a "What did I miss in the canteen today? Wish I could afford it but money is so tight just now but most of all I miss the company".

Horrible situation, I feel for you. But the longer it goes on the harder it will be to change it and the situation does seem to be really upsetting you. Take a brave pill and confront it!

cazzie
x

Alikay

Could you make your main meal of the day be the dinner in the works canteen and just make sandwitches for tea? Maybe not possible if you have a family to cook for, but if you're single or a couple might work ( make extra of your weekend meals so your OH can zap a frozen portion in the microwave for a midweek meal). Seems a shame to miss out on the cameraderie, and if it makes you feel so miserable and isolated it's just not worth it. Could you make savings elsewhere instead?

LilMissEmmylou

as its a works canteen, would you be able to eat down there even if you havent purchased your food there?

TheWaltons_3

Are you on the large side?

Could you pretend you are dieting and going for the Healthy option?

Could you make out you have problems and need healthy food?

Perhaps go sit with them on a Monday and pretend you are looking for the healthy option meal... do this twice a week but mainly take your own sandwiches.

.. don't let it upset you, you can easily become friends with them again... but it would be strange for them for you to suddenly stop eating with them, they may be hurt. Like you are now. x

Katgoddess

Can't you eat your own lunch in your canteen? Your work can't make you sit at your desk if you are bringing in your own sandwiches. Maybe go into the canteen with your friends and just have a hot/cold drink and catch up.

dee_mum_of_3

i think everyones given you really smashing advice.....now its summer(LOL) cant u go outside and wander around? maybe invite others to come outside too? some things you can economise on but if its making you feel so distanced,the canteen is subsidised cant u eat there and cut back elsewhere? Rome wasnt built in a day your debts werent aquired overnight and this restraint is affecting you big time.........hugs hun and well done for confronting your money problems x

belfastgirl23

TBH I think you should let them know that the reason you aren't going is that money is a bit tight. If they want to press you for details I'd just say that work is your break from worrying about it and you really appreciate this, they'll get the message. People are very understanding about money worries in my experience, there are very few of us who don't feel like we could do with cutting back or who feel we manage our money properly. Could you eat your lunch and then go down and join them for a chat? Or I would investigate whether anyone in the canteen would say anything if you brought your own sandwiches down but bought a tea or something.

The other possibility is to give yourself one or two days a week when you do go down and just budget for it or have the cheapest thing on the menu.

I do wonder too though if you're feeling this is worse than it really is? Worry about money can make you feel really down, maybe they aren't excluding you really it's just that you feel excluded? Are you maybe excluding yourself a little bit because you feel you need punished at some subconscious level?? You deserve to have social support and friends, it will make dealing with the debt a lot easier emotionally. Don't cut yourself off, however good the reasons might be.

Good luck and try not to let it get you down.

Katmc2k

HI, having been a student for four years, and totally skint during that entire time, I can relate to missing out on things because I can't afford them, and I definately had less of a social life (skint and studied hard!) But I found that when I just admitted how skint I was, most people were kind and generous and didn't look down on me or judge me. You wouldn't judge someone on their riches-hopefully neither will your colleagues. If you are too embarrassed to say you're skint, you could always say you're starting a rigorous savings regime for X and Y in the future. You live within your means-that's something to be proud of, and a skill that not many of us possess!

If you get sick of sandwiches you could take green salad, pasta salad etc, I think there is an OS thread about it somewhere. Your workmates will be jealous of you...!

jo1972

Hi there :wave: just wanted to say welcome to MSE

Why don't you pop over to the Debt Free Wannabe board and stick your SOA up. Maybe there are things that can be cut back on which will enable you to eat in the canteen! You sound pretty low at the moment, you will get tons of support on these boards so keep posting and asking for help and you will get it.

Good luck

Jo.x

ukbandit

i can see how this woudl upset you, its nice nice being blanked out by people you tought were friends, even work ones.

i would suggest that without going into too much detail, you let them know that you are not spending time with them because you want to save money you can say its because of a holiday/home improvement etc, theres no need to explain to people that your in debt, people who have never been in that situation never understand do they

see if you can have your luch with them at the same time, even if it means buying a tea or something.

The thing to remember is thateven if your welcomed back into the fold, you weill still not be able to fully participate in the social events. fro experience this means that as you have less shared experiences, they can naturally drift away anyway, although it wil lnot be out of malice. Keep this in mind and good luck ,get over to the debt board and let us help you (the royal we off course, i'm bnot a debt expert, more a big mouth ) help yourself, and make us happy that we are helping someone else!