Friend in debt/ budgeting skills

HarmonyDragon

I have a friend who has recently revealed that he has very large debts and rent arrears, partly due to suffering from depression and anxiety over a number of years which he had tried to manage without support.

He was afraid he was about to get evicted. We have been to see a debt advisor, the landlord is holding off and he has been signed off work for a bit.

My question is about ongoing budgeting. He has had debts for many years and rent arrears over about three years. He has shared houses in the past. I'm not sure he has ever really managed budgeting on his own. I know the debt advisor is going to work out a budget with him and he will probably get a debt relief order but I wonder how he will avoid getting into the same kind of difficultties in future.

He is working and is good at his job, and has good social networks. It is the depression which causes him difficulty with managing everyday tasks. All these problems had been hidden for years. His flat was extremely cluttered with unopened bills and other post.

I was wondering if anyone who has experience of debt and mental health issues could offer any advice.

PeacefulSlumber

Hi

Your local authority housing department will work with people in any housing situation to prevent homelessness and make sure vulnerable people are not evicted. If you make an appointment to see the Homeless Prevention officer they can refer your friend to an organisation offering regular floating support which will help your friend with budgeting and access to mental health services and anything else he needs support with.

Good luck!

immoral_angeluk

*waves*

I feel for your friend. I've now been out of work for 2 years thanks to chronic severe depression and anxiety. Prior to that I was a debt specialist at the CAB, yet here I am struggling to maintain a budget on benefits.

I would suggest contacting his local MIND branch, as they have support workers who may be able to help with the day to day struggles of managing a life with a mental health condition, such as budgetting. His local council may also have their own health support workers who can assist and also liaise with his debt adviser.

The main this I will say about budgetting and depression is this, it's a rollercoaster. Depression is hugely variable and unpredictable. One day he'll be able to manage anything and everything but the next we won't be able to get out of bed or dress himself. It can't be helped and it's not his fault. Depression is hell. I know because I'm living it and I have full sympathy for anyone who is down here in hell with us. It makes day to day life unbearable, overwhelming and intensely stressful. Even the smallest task may cause huge emotional turmoil. So here are my tips, but bear in mind it will inevitably go well sometimes and horribly wrong others. There will be failures, so they should be expected and accepted as part of the ride.

My tips:

• Help him with things like remembering to take medication, open post and remember appointments
  
• Live day to day - forward planning and organisation is generally doomed to fail if we're expected to do it on our own, as you never know when the black dog will strike and will screw up any short term memory, motivation, will and hope we have.
  
• Seek support - isolation is one of the worst things and will make matters worse, but some days he will feel the need to shut himself away. Don't begrudge him that, it's nothing personal if he doesn't answer your calls/texts one day.
  
• Listen to your body - your body knows what it needs to do to survive, if that means 3pm naps and a whole tub of ice cream. So be it. Just go with it.
  
• Go to the GP - whether it's medication, CBT, psychotherapy or community health support, he needs to have the support and treatment to deal with it.
  
• Expect him to be unreliable - he is going to miss appointments, forget to do things, be late, and generally be a bit crap. Again, that's not his fault.
  
• Set one small achieveable task/goal a day - some days, that task may only be to get out of bed and get dressed. That is STILL an achievement.
  
• Realise that contacting his creditors, speaking on the phone or going into branches may simply be too much for him to deal with. Speak and work with his debt adviser who will be able to take on a lot of the legwork for him.
  
• Ask his advice agency if they have a specific mental health team who are further trained in dealing with mental health and depression. Also ask them to look into any charity funding or support they can arrange for him.
  
• Make sure that you are there for him. Yes, depressed people are high maintenance, but it's not our fault. We can't help it. It's whatever demon is lurking inside us controlling us, what we do and what we say. We may not show it, but you being our friend and guide during the dark times is worth more to us than anything in the world. He may not show his appreciation, but be assured that he is and will be eternally grateful.
  
• HOWEVER, OP, you need to look after yourself as a first and foremost. Supporting someone with depression is exhausting, and can commonly lead to you ending up in the same boat. We're high maintenance, exhausting, frustrating and often irrational. We don't mean to be, but it puts a lot of pressure on anyone who is there supporting us. If it gets too much, don't be afraid to keep your distance but don't just disappear on him. Explain why you need space and suggest he gets support from elsewhere if needed.
  
• and lastly, show him this thread. He's not alone and doesn't need to be. Depression can and will pass. It may not seem like it right now, but it will. He just needs to be reminded and take each day as it comes.

Bobarella

Hi there
I can't claim to know what your friend is going through Harmony Dragon, but the fact he has you in his corner is great. You sound a very caring friend.

Immoral Angel - what a wonderful useful post, I am sorry to hear you have been through do much yourself.

Bob

koselur

HarmonyDragon

Don't have much to add but didn't want to read and run.

Sounds like you are a very caring friend. A good friend of mine suffers with depression and I admit I sometimes find it hard to remain patient with her but I do my best - it's not an easy ride and as immoral angel says you have to look after yourself too. It's important to realise that depression can make people really irrational and you will probably also find your friend going through lots of ups and downs - it's easy to forget this and become frustrated, but your patience and kindness will mean so much to your friend.

Best of luck to both of you.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Your mate is lucky to have such a staunch friend. The charity MIND might have some good advice to add to the above.

If you can break down the process into small steps it might make it seem less overwhelming.