What's it like when your OH stops work?

7_week_wonder

I’m not sure if this is the right place to post, or even what I’m asking! DB (in his mid 50s) has just heard that he has had his application for a 6-month career break approved. He’d originally wanted to leave his job all together, he’s completely fed up with the place and had been having more and more bouts of insomnia caused by unrealistic deadlines etc, but his boss suggested he keep his options open and try a career break first.

So in just over 3 weeks DB will leave his current workplace, possibly forever. I will be carrying on with my job, for at least the next few years. We are fortunate that we will be fine moneywise, and he is looking forward to getting the house and garden into shape.

I guess I’m just after other people’s experiences, and any does and donts from people who’ve been there. One very specific question: I was thinking of taking the first week of his career break as a holiday, but then I thought it might be better just to settle into a routine first.

Sorry this is a bit of a witter, we talked about it lots over the last year, but now it is becoming a reality I’m wondering what it will be like for us both.

bjbyorkshire

Hi, we did something similar and it has worked brilliantly for us. My OH at 54 loved his job but he had a heart attack while at work. He was in hospital for a week, came home with statins and aspirin not needing any surgery but he was very scared as his father had died from a heart attack at 56. This was in Feb 99. He was able to take 6 months off sick on full pay then 6 months on half pay. We cut our cloth accordingly and looked at our finances carefully and I said that I would rather we spend the time doing things we wanted to do rather than him working full time. Part time wasn't an option in his job but he did have a hobby which can also be a little money earner so for the last 16 years we have enjoyed our caravan holidays in summer, these are not expensive other than the cost of diesel. We have a nice winter holiday most years but we spend our leisure time walking, visiting local country shows exhibiting hubby's hobby. I continued to work part time for another 10 years. We do enjoy each other's company but it is also very important to make sure that you both do things separate from each other. That way you have something different to talk to each other about. It seems that from our experience that the people my hubby worked with soon fell by the wayside as most were women and all were younger than us. I on the other hand have kept in touch with girlfriends from several different jobs as I'm much mor sociable and make a point of keeping friendships alive. Sometimes I have had to realise that work colleagues were just that and that actually we have nothing much in common now.

I would say if you make sure you do joint activities but both find separate hobbies then it could work out really well for you both.

Hope this helps.

7_week_wonder

Thanks for sharing your experiences bjbyorkshire, it sounds like you are having a great life.

We have some quite different hobbies but enjoy doing stuff together. I'm hoping that, although it might take some adjusting, after a few months OH will think it's the best thing he's ever done. Fingers crossed:)

missile

There is more to life than work and I hope you guys find the right balance.

mavisangelica

My hubby also had a heart attack at work (over 15 years ago now). He was patched up and given a 10 year guarantee but decided not to go back to work. I coincidentally got a better paid job at around the same time so also no money worries. (Hubby used to work the maximum he could - 1 day off a fortnight). We did a complete role reversal as our son was 3 at the time, hubby took over the childcare, and cooking.

Winters were the killers for him as he is not the sort to read or sit in front of the television.

He eventually got a part time job at a college for about 5 years before he retired properly.

What he used to (and still does) [STRIKE]annoy [/STRIKE] niggle me is that he waits until I come in from work to do some things - things such as cut the grass or 'in between' food shopping.

wishus

My OH is currently long-term off sick with stress and depression, caused by work. He has been off 3 months. He needs to get well, and I'm hoping he'll soon be able to figure himself out a routine for the day, so he can begin to find some enjoyment and purpose, and plan to leave the job that did this to him. At the moment, I can forget about him trying to do any hobbies or think of alternative ways of getting income. He sleeps a lot in the day, and watches TV - it's all he can do for now. We're trying to build in small trips out and exercise for him, as that will give him a boost. He's not comfortable with crowds or even spending too long with friends at the moment. For an outgoing guy, it's a really huge setback.


I'm hoping as he recovers and makes plans to go back (which he will have to do) that they can change his role, or we will only be back down this road again. But until he's better, we can't plan for anything else.

It's so good that your DB got his career break - his job sounds really stressful, so it sounds like the break could well have saved him from a similar fate.

I have to say though, when my OH got made redundant from a job a few years ago, I said I would support him and he could write and be a househusband. That was no go! He couldn't motivate himself to do anything, he actually needed someone to tell him what to do (but no one close enough for it to be 'nagging':p).

You probably don't have a chap as unmotivated as mine, so I would say, let him be commander of his ship and decide how he wants to spend his time. If he has plans for the garden, and gets on with those he'll be all right. If you want to travel a bit, why not build it in for later as a bit of a treat once you've done your house and garden improvements?

7_week_wonder

wishus - I'm so sorry to hear about the horrid time your husband is going through. I can't help but feel that might have easily been where my OH might have ended up had he not had a very understanding immediate boss.

I really hope that your OH is able to rebuild his life so that you can both enjoy things again.

The good thing is that my OH has plenty of drive and plans for the future (so long as none of them involves work) so I shall take a back seat and let him enjoy being the master of his own destiny.

Newly_retired

As soon as he retired, DH took up another job, supposedly part time, but open ended.

After 5 years he retired again and we moved house. He still keeps his hand in with occasional bits of work, but I feel he has aged a lot since he retired.

Just recently he has been helping out covering for illness, and has a new spring in his step. Some men love to work! But now he can say no, and do as much or little as he feels able to do.
Meanwhile I have my own hobbies and interests and I do voluntary work, so I keep myself busy.
It seems to work well enough for us, though if I am honest I would like to have more days out together and short breaks away.

I hope it works out for you both.

bjbyorkshire

We are just preparing our caravan so that we can get away for relatively cheap short breaks throughout the summer. We work well together but we take lots of tea breaks, sitting and chatting about where to go and what we need to do before the first outing etc. You do need to like spending time together.

I'm due a new hip on 1st June so we may have to write the caravan off for the whole of June but I think oh is quite looking forward to doing a bit more cooking while I'm out of action. I do all the cooking as he does lots of things round the house and garden that I can't do.

Maybe you could suggest a short break to somewhere that your oh would find interesting. You never know, it might just whet his appetite for a few more trips off.

We have been abroad loads of times in the past but the cost of travel insurance when you have to declare pre existing problems and if it entails taking statins then the cost is going through the roof. Our trips abroad may be coming to an end solely because of the cost of insurance.

Hope you all find a way to enjoy the next stage of your lives. Kittie will vouch for me that she would give anything to have her hubby here to plan little trips together etc. You really do need to put plans in place to make the most of each and every day that you have together. Life has a habit of creeping up on us with some nasty little suprise of its own and there really is no going back in time to have a second bash at retirement.

Bjbyorkshire

lessonlearned

Such wise words.

My husband died last August, aged 57, after a 9 year illness, which saw him reduced to a mere shell of the man he had been.

I would give anything to have him back.....

My retirement is nothing like we had planned.

Ladies, make the most of what time you have. Make it count. Doesn't matter if you don't have much money, it's meaningless.

You have each other, and that's all that matters.