Friendship Advice

jhgkp

Hi there,

My partner had unemployed for a long time, so last August started attending the local college to do an NQ course. She and two other girls were the class. My partner is 39 and she ended up forming an alliance with the 18 year old - the other girl was at the class with her boyfriend. As time has gone on she and her have become good friends. Chatting over the internet on their days off and meeting up on occasion.

Last week all 3 of us went for a day trip for the day and we had a lovely day out - away from everyone and everything. We dropped off at her parents - she invited us in as she had something to give my partner for college (work they are doing during the easter break together). I waited by the living door, as my partner went in. Her parents didn't say a word to me, just not to worry about the dog it was quite friendly. My friend came down and we left for home.

A couple days later her friend called her in a panic she had an argument with her mum and asked is she could stay over. We said sure if that is ok (her dad works away during the week). Just before we left to go and collect her she said - all ok - she was going to go to her grandmothers instead down south, once she got some money together, so we were not go and get her.

Since then her contact with my partner has very little contact with her - my partner has sent a couple of messages to check she is ok but not getting much of a reply.

Now my partner is worried - has she upset her, or has her parents told her she can't be friends with her as she is quite a bit older, she is totally parinoid.

My partner doesn't make friends easily, and doesn't have many close by, so this has really upset her and I don't know how to make her feel better.

Thanks for listening - guess I wanted to talk with someone and find out if there was anything else I could do to reassure her.

Regards,
Me.

19lottie82

I don't see why she would have upset her, but why doesn't she call me, instead of texting, to check she is ok, if she is worried?

Teenagers can be quite fickle, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

BUT, in all honesty, if my daughter was 18 and had befriended a couple almost in their 40s, I would think it was a bit strange, sorry.......

Can you not encourage your wife to find some friends closer to her own age? Meet up sites etc....

Bean83

I bet when she'd calmed down after the argument with her mum, she told her that she had planned on staying with you two. From mum's point of view, her 18 year old daughter was going to go off and stay with a couple in their late thirties/forties who are pretty much complete strangers. I bet the mum has a lot to do with her not being in contact with your wife anymore!

tea_lover

If my (hypothetical) 18 yr old daughter told me she was going to stay with a 40yr old couple I'd be packing her off to her grandparents too. Sorry, but it just seems odd.

Trixi

If the family has interfered then there's not a lot your wife can do - certainly not her fault and no reason to feel paranoid. But it sounds as if she (the friend) has a lot of other drama going on right now - she's probably focused on other things.

I know you say that your partner does not find it easy to make friends but perhaps you could encourage her to widen her circle a little? If she's too focused on one friendship she might come across as needy (I'm not saying that this is the case here).

SavingPennies_2

Its a shame for your GF, it sounds like she tried to be a good friend but I think this girl is not the right age for her. I know age shouldn't matter, but at 18 she is still young. Almost certainly her mother has not taken it well seeing she is friends with a couple more than twice her age and has told her to break contact with you, hence the argument, then the girl backing down and then her going to the grandmothers. So no I don't think your GF is being paranoid, I think the mother has told her to stop being her friend, but that's not your girlfriends fault - just an overprotective mother. I don't think she'll be back in touch, Id advise your girlfriend not to get worried or upset, just let her friend go, but encourage her to find friends a similar age perhaps through her future workplace when she finishes her course.

purpleshoes_2

One of my closest friends was a girl I met through work when I was 34 and she was 17. We just got on. She used to socialise with her mum a lot, who is a few years older than I am and often we used to go out in a crowd with her mum and partner, I was close friends with them for about 5 years, the friendship ending had nothing to do with age.

If people are adults, surely they can be friends with pretty much anyone they like. Ive known 30 something women be friends with women in their 60s.

My mum is 66 and some of her closest friends from work are with people younger than me, some of the girls shes kept in touch with over the years are 35 plus, shes a teacher and the girls she keeps in touch with (shes moved schools and one has emigrated) are 35.

In fact one of the girls she knows who is 35 is on holiday with another classroom assistant who retired a year ago now and shes the same age as my mum, 66.

It might be different when people are 30 something and 60 something as opposed to 18 and 39, but age gap friendships can work.

tea_lover

Its not the age so much as the dynamic. The OP says the young girl has a bf, but then says just the three of them were out for the day. I can see why it might look strange to her parents.

Buzzybee90

Lots of people are friends with people across all ages through work, so I don't think that's strange but it's a little different in these circs.

JReacher1

19lottie82 wrote: »

I don't see why she would have upset her, but why doesn't she call me, instead of texting, to check she is ok, if she is worried?

Teenagers can be quite fickle, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

BUT, in all honesty, if my daughter was 18 and had befriended a couple almost in their 40s, I would think it was a bit strange, sorry.......

Can you not encourage your wife to find some friends closer to her own age? Meet up sites etc....

Agreed it's a bit weird.

onomatopoeia99

I have friends in their 20s through to their 70s (I'm 45). Until she died last year, I had a really good friend in her 90s. Consequently, I don't find friendships spanning decades or generations strange.

Certainly there will be differences in experience of life, but not necessarily in outlook, and those differences that do exist don't necessarily preclude good friendships from developing. In many respects, age is just a number