perfect care home

hostertlady

is there such a thing?
I am interested in what constitutes a good care home> my mum had to go into one in February and it is lovely, the staff are very friendly, the meals are very good and plentiful, her room is a nice big one.( we are self funding at the moment as she is over the limit until her money reduces)
but..
all she does is moan..:(
she wont eat in the communal dining room with the other residents , she wont go into the conservatory with any of the other residents as she says they sleep all the time! mum is 87 and is fully compus mentis, she stays in her room most of the time.. now and again I take her out but it is a task to say the least..
she makes me feel guilty at every opportunity..
any of you with parents in care homes, how do you cope with any negativities or guilt you may feel?


x

Savvy_Sue

I think what you have to bear in mind is that your mum has gone from a situation of at least partial independence and autonomy to a number of limitations.

So she is choosing to exercise independence and autonomy in the areas where she still can!

And one of those is moaning and guilt-tripping.

How you deal with that depends. Was she prone to this before she went into the home? And how will she respond if you say something like "I'm really sorry you're not happy Mum, but I am not going to let you make me feel guilty for ... doing my best to look after your interests / keeping you safe / ensuring you have the best possible care ... Now, shall we go out now, or shall I leave you here to wallow in your misery?"

pollypenny

I think it must be very difficult for anyone who is completely compos mentis in a place where so many just doze away the day.

My father was lucky that he used the 'smoking lounge' where there were two lively men and women. Four in total. Sadly, his best friend died on the anniversary of my mother's death and my father died six months later.
A while later, I bumped into one of the staff and asked after one of the women. Sadly, she died a month after my father.

Perhaps you could ask the staff to try to foster friendships or at least communication with someone like-minded.

hostertlady

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I think what you have to bear in mind is that your mum has gone from a situation of at least partial independence and autonomy to a number of limitations.

So she is choosing to exercise independence and autonomy in the areas where she still can!

And one of those is moaning and guilt-tripping.

How you deal with that depends. Was she prone to this before she went into the home? And how will she respond if you say something like "I'm really sorry you're not happy Mum, but I am not going to let you make me feel guilty for ... doing my best to look after your interests / keeping you safe / ensuring you have the best possible care ... Now, shall we go out now, or shall I leave you here to wallow in your misery?"

this made me smile.. she actually wasn't that friendly before she went into there, so obviously me trying to get her to mingle is daft really....
and I often do tell her to stop moaning! I used to let it get to me before but I am trying to 'switch off' a bit now..
x

hostertlady

pollypenny wrote: »

I think it must be very difficult for anyone who is completely compos mentis in a place where so many just doze away the day.

Perhaps you could ask the staff to try to foster friendships or at least communication with someone like-minded.

funny enough, it's the staff that seek mum out to chat to..as she always has something to say/disagree with etc but they do like chatting with her...
x

pollypenny

There were two members of staff in particular with whom my father bonded. We took him out to meet one in a pub, to watch a rugby international and I still send her a Christmas card.

It's very difficult for someone who is fully compos mentis, but whose body has imposed severe limitations.

lessonlearned

Just stumbled across your thread, hostertlady.

I do feel for you, having to place loved ones in care is so difficult, especially when they don't settle very easily.

I had to place both my husband and my mum in care and it was just awful. Like you I felt riddled with guilt and yet both care homes were excellent.

Luckily my husband adapted well. He ended up paralysed from the neck down so there was never any question of me being able to provide the level of care he needed. He remained fully compus mentis and because he was such a highly intelligent man I took great pains to visit him every day and tried to devise ways and means to keep him entertained. I turned his room into a bedsit, with a comfy armchair for me, a fridge for snacks for him, his favourite paintings, cushions and throws and I even installed a fish tank to keep,him amused.

Mum was unhappy at first but as her dementia took a firmer grip she didn't even know where she was after a while. But again we surrounded her with all her favourite things. I bought her a fake stuffed cat. It was the tackiest thing you've ever seen but she believed it was real and that it was her long dead cat, Penny. We would put it on the pillow next to her and it gave her hours of pleasure. She would say "Penny has been so naughty today" and she would smile.

You've chosen a nice home and as long as you can visit her regularly then there's not much else you can do.

Can you visit at times when there are activities and take your mum down to the day room and join in with them. The summer is coming - do they have nice gardens you can sit in with her. At least she will get to know some of the other residents and it might help her settle.

A care home will never be able to replace their own home, it will always be second best but a good one will do their best. A lot is down to the staff and how they interact with the residents.

In both cases the care Homes really stepped up to the plate when my husband and my mother were dying. I truly could not have asked for better treatment for them at the end. In both cases the staff were marvellous, gentle, caring and affectionate, ensuring that both my husband and my mum had peaceful, pAinfree deaths.

I slept in my husband's room the night before he died and my sister did the same for several nights with my mum. Although they were both slipping in and out of consciousness they knew we were there and I think they were comforted.

In the end this is what a good care home does. They provide a level of care that one person at home, be it wife or daughter, just couldn't deliver. Hopefully in time your mum will realise this and will settle in.

I make it sound like "resignation" but realistically that is what we are talking about. Your mum will sooner or later become resigned and will be able to accept what is unavoidable. She mAy never be "happy" but hopefully she may find some contentment.

Just visit as often as you can, and if she us well enough and you can cope, then take her out occasionally. Although I can appreciate if she is a wheelchair user or has limited mobility then even going out for a coffee is like a military operation.

Although I drove a wheelchair accessible vehicle with an electronic winch it was still a two person job to take my husband out. I just couldn't manage on my own so im afraid I didnt take him out very often.

hostertlady

thanks LL..
that means a lot....
yes I do visit when they have activities and last week we ( I) made Easter bonnets, mum wasn't interested... she was just looking at all the other residents sleeping all the time ( why are they always asleep?)..
her room is a nice comfy one and we are slowly bringing bits and bobs to make it look nice for her, she is 88... fully compus mentus as you know and spends a lot of time mulling things over in her brain, wht she is there, dumped as she calls it.. anything to make us feel guilty.
I often rise above her comments but other times it cuts close to the heart...
sometimes we, as children , are made to feel guilty arnt we....
but on the flip side, I know she is fed, looked after and safe so I can go away for the night and not have to worry anymore..
phew...
xx

lessonlearned

There are all sorts of reasons why care home patients sleep during the day.

I think a lot of dementia sufferers sleep a lot during the day and then they liven up at teatime. I think they call this type of patient "sundowners". When the sun goes down they wake up....sometimes getting quite agitated.

The other thing is towards the end of life time becomes meaningless and a lot of them start turning night into day.

And of course as life draws to a close their bodies start shutting down, slowly, imperceptibly and they do sleep more.

Sometimes they need help with pain relief and their pain meds makes them drowsy.

And of course they sometimes just get plain tired.

Both my mum and my husband had to be turned every two hours to avoid pressure sores. This meant that their sleep was constantly interrupted so they slept in the day to catch up on missed sleep.

It was frustrating some times when I would visit mum and she would be so sleepy I couldn't wake Her.- especially after I had driven 45 minutes to see her. hOwever, I quickly realised that whilst she was asleep she was pain free (about the only time) so I didn't begrudge her sleeping.

hostertlady

lessonlearned wrote: »

There are all sorts of reasons why care home patients sleep during the day.

I think a lot of dementia sufferers sleep a lot during the day and then they liven up at teatime. I think they call this type of patient "sundowners". When the sun goes down they wake up....sometimes getting quite agitated.

The other thing is towards the end of life time becomes meaningless and a lot of them start turning night into day.

And of course as life draws to a close their bodies start shutting down, slowly, imperceptibly and they do sleep more.

Sometimes they need help with pain relief and their pain meds makes them drowsy.

And of course they sometimes just get plain tired.

Both my mum and my husband had to be turned every two hours to avoid pressure sores. This meant that their sleep was constantly interrupted so they slept in the day to catch up on missed sleep.

It was frustrating some times when I would visit mum and she would be so sleepy I couldn't wake Her.- especially after I had driven 45 minutes to see her. hOwever, I quickly realised that whilst she was asleep she was pain free (about the only time) so I didn't begrudge her sleeping.

thanks for the explanation...
my mum hates to miss out on anything so is wide awake all day and at night time the care staff always seem to look in on everyone every two hours...so mum ends up chatting away to them...
I went to see mum again today,( I only live about ten mins away and I call at different times of the day, I have the door code so I just come and go when I please)...we had a good day today..... no arguments! finally she is getting the picture
x

lessonlearned

That's good. It helps when a visit goes well. hopefully you have turned a corner now.