Relationship Issues -Please HELP

CK93

Hi Guys,

All I need is some both male and female thoughts, experiences or advice please.

I am male, 22 years old and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 5 years now, I love her very much, we get on very well, we are best buddies, I look after her, spoil her (I took her to Barcelona for her 22nd birthday last week) and I would do anything and everything to make sure that she is happy because she is the most hard working, thoughtful and beautiful girlfriend.

The only issue is our sex life, I have a very high sex drive, she doesn’t, in the last five years she has never initiated anything, which has lead to love making. As a result I initiate the foreplay, and when I do, she doesn’t show any passion or enjoyment when I am making love to her or during foreplay. We do not live together by the way, so when we go on holiday I say to myself its going to be great, we will chill, have lots of sex and go out but the sex bit never happens, only a few times during the two weeks, I get very frustrated and annoyed, obviously I don’t show it as I don’t want to upset her but I have spoken to her about it and she says we will have more sex but she forgets about it all (or does she?) and we are back to square one.

I just feel that I am making her to have sex with me, which could be considered as rape etc, of course she has never said no when I initiated foreplay, but the feeling never goes away, I ask her if she is okay with us having sex, she says yes of course, I ask if she enjoyed it and she says yes.

But I feel guilty every time we have sex because if she wanted to have sex she would be more passionate, would want to initiate the intimacy or am I wrong to assume all this? She wants to get a mortgage and live together but I am not sure, if she wnt have sex with me, I will feel guilty and frustrated all the time if we do get a house and move in together?

Any thoughts, advice or similar experiences that one has had and wishes to share would be great.

Thank you guys

stormbreaker

I could be your girlfriend 30yrs ago and I haven't changed. I have now been married 25yrs and it is still a source of problems in our relationship.

You need to sit down and work out if it's something you can live with or without as the case maybe.

I can't see things improving if you move in if anything they will get worse for you.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

aileth

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like me. I really don't care much for sex. I don't have any sex drive whatsoever. If my husband wants to have it, I am more than willing and do enjoy it. Just because she doesn't initiate it doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy it. If she has no sex drive, there is no drive to start things. For someone with a low drive, regardless of how much you enjoy it when you're actually doing it, sex will be on the bottom of your list of priorities.

Have a chat to her about it and work out something that suits you both. If it ends up that you are going to have to initiate everything, then that is what you're going to have to deal with, but she also needs to reassure you that she is more than happy with it and does enjoy it. If she doesn't want to do it seven times a week, you're going to have to make compromises and have a visit to Mr Hand. Relationships are all about compromise.

She obviously loves you and cares for you as she wants to move forward in your relationship. Sex isn't everything, but it can be a breaking point for a lot of couples.

comeandgo

Hm, I was like that with my first husband, he just did not turn me on, I just had sex because that was what was expected. I eventually realised I did not love him and we split up.
My second husband, I really fancy, been married ten years and he can walk into a room and I still want him.
While it will be a very difficult conversation you need to ask your girlfriend does she fancy you or are you just a habit she enjoys?

millysg1

You sounds like my Oh and I soumd like your GF. U sex drive is a lot lower than his. We have still made it work so far. We have been together 10 years now, married for 2.5 with a baby on the way. We are so happy.

But if some,one said was the biggest issue for our relationship, it would be sex, for him anyway. We try to talk about it if it ever becomes something my Oh is struggling with, I.e. Not often enough.

i know he has defiantly felt the same as you in the past and we have talked about it and I try to reassure him, it's not him and I don't mind having sex, it is definitely not rape. I know I can say no if he really wants it but I really don't and he would accept that, Al though disappointingly.

Talk to her! In a calm manor that you have concerns that she isn't enjoying it and hopefully it will open the communication Into talking about how you've been feeling.

Just one thing to note though. My OH always says his sex drive is high but sex has been a lot less these last few months due to heavy pregnancy and he only said the other night he hadnt noticed as much as he would of use to and has been totalling fine with it. He has since been reevaluating if he really does have a high sex drive or it's more a mentality thing.

I don't care about sex, doesn't meen I don't enjoy it, but other parts of my relationship are so much more important to me and make me much happier. I

This shouldn't ruin your relationship if it's dealt with.

stormbreaker

comeandgo wrote: »

I really fancy, been married ten years and he can walk into a room and I still want hims

This has struck a chord with me, as much as I truly love him,I have often wondered if it was because I didn't 'fancy' him. Although I was not young when we got together, he was my first long term relationship. I've really not known any different. But I dont look or crave anyone or anything either.

BigAunty

Do you ever give her an orgasm?

melloecastro

This could be something mental or hormonal? when I was on the pill it really lowered my sex drive. Some people are also shy about initiating sex. If someone feels under pressure about it they can withdraw a little more as well.
Are you affectionate towards each other and does she initiate cuddles etc? If she cuddles you do you try to initiate sex immediately or would you be able to accept just a cuddle? If you can get her to relax more may help? I am looking at this from both sides as I have been the reluctant one and the one who wanted it more in another relationship. As the reluctant one he wasnt really satisfying me and I didnt know how to tell him without hurting his feelings so I pulled back. Then he pushed for more sex and I felt like everytime we cuddled he just wanted sex so I withdrew even more. Now I would just tell someone if that was the issue but not maybe at 22.

Maybe you need to sit and talk to her about it. There may be something she wants from you/something she wants to change that she cannot tell you. Perhaps she doesnt even know how you really feel? If you also put pressure on the situation ie this holiday we will do this....... it can make it worse. Maybe trial living together in a rented property before you buy?

bigheadxx

CK93 wrote: »

Hi Guys,

All I need is some both male and female thoughts, experiences or advice please.

I am male, 22 years old and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 5 years now, I love her very much, we get on very well, we are best buddies, I look after her, spoil her (I took her to Barcelona for her 22nd birthday last week) and I would do anything and everything to make sure that she is happy because she is the most hard working, thoughtful and beautiful girlfriend.

The only issue is our sex life, I have a very high sex drive, she doesn’t, in the last five years she has never initiated anything, which has lead to love making. As a result I initiate the foreplay, and when I do, she doesn’t show any passion or enjoyment when I am making love to her or during foreplay. We do not live together by the way, so when we go on holiday I say to myself its going to be great, we will chill, have lots of sex and go out but the sex bit never happens, only a few times during the two weeks, I get very frustrated and annoyed, obviously I don’t show it as I don’t want to upset her but I have spoken to her about it and she says we will have more sex but she forgets about it all (or does she?) and we are back to square one.

I just feel that I am making her to have sex with me, which could be considered as rape etc, of course she has never said no when I initiated foreplay, but the feeling never goes away, I ask her if she is okay with us having sex, she says yes of course, I ask if she enjoyed it and she says yes.

But I feel guilty every time we have sex because if she wanted to have sex she would be more passionate, would want to initiate the intimacy or am I wrong to assume all this? She wants to get a mortgage and live together but I am not sure, if she wnt have sex with me, I will feel guilty and frustrated all the time if we do get a house and move in together?

Any thoughts, advice or similar experiences that one has had and wishes to share would be great.

Thank you guys

Sexual frustration was a big issue in my relationship. I know she enjoyed it when it happened but it more often than not didn't. Got to the point of it being six weeks with several brush offs in the meantime.

Sex is an important part of bonding, as well cuddles and kisses and doing things for each other.

Hard_Up_Hester

This was a common complaint from my 1st husband I was the main breadwinner, we have 4 children & he also refused to help around the house, I was knackered. He also wanted to do things I found painful & when I refused he complained that I was frigid he then suggested wife swapping as a way of him obtaining the sort of sex he felt he was entitled to!
We split up, he remarried very quickly to a woman 10 years younger than me & they now sleep in separate rooms.
I also remarried but my 2nd husband & I communicate honestly & have from the outset. I told him that I wasn't interested in house work but that he could have a bj on request. We discussed how often we'd both like sex & settled on 3 or 4 times Monday to Friday & when we have a child free weekend (we have lots of grandchildren who visit regularly) I'd like lots of sex, . That way he knows where he stands, I realise this sound a bit clinical, but the discussions we had caused lots of laughs & extra sex.
Hester

[Deleted User]

In my relationships, which weren't good.., there was quite an unbalanced view towards sex. He wanted it and I was just too goddamn tired (initially long working hours, doing all the housework while he lay on settee.., child with special needs who rarely slept). Sometimes I'd have sex just to shut my first ex up.

But it made me feel awful. Even if I had a good time.., it still wasn't what I wanted.

Now I don't care if I never have sex again. I know it could be different. I know that in a mutually appreciative relationship I would probably want to.., I did once consider myself as having a high sex drive. But not now. Now sex represents completely different things.