Help dealing with money issues, please

Koalabear

Hi there,

DP and I got married last Tuesday. It was a basic ceremony at our local registry office which came about as the original plan to have blessing & legal ceremonies done abroad, in September, turned into a bureaucratic nightmare. Initially, we very mistakenly thought that it worked in our favour, especially as it seemed to save us at least £300. This wasn’t the case as we suddenly had a drink with our witnesses, evening meal for us two and a hotel night on top of it! We currently have over £5,000 outstanding to pay on wedding expenses for the ceremony in 5 months’ time and I am freaking out, to be honest. Here are the issues:

• Our incomes have reduced dramatically since we first got together. We both changed carriers to something less stressful / more rewarding but we’ve both struggled to adjust our spending and our outgoings.
• I am on top of my debts, with everything being paid off monthly ,and all household bills etc are as they should. However, DH is drowning in unpaid debt. He thinks I don’t know and he doesn’t talk about it. From what I’ve seen, his credit history is a train-crash and he likes to shop – he purchases things compulsively, such as endless pairs of shoes, various pairs of the same trousers, etc. It was ok when he was earning twice as much as what he earns now but even then, it’s a very immature approach to money as he was still prioritising the ‘extras’ over meeting his financial commitments to some extent. I obviously didn’t marry him for his wealth ;-)
• We need to move houses asap. I have a property elsewhere which I rent out (mortgage always paid on time) and we are currently renting a house which has become too expensive to rent and on the household bills front. Therefore, I have given the landlord notice and have contacted every single agent in town to find somewhere cheaper & smaller. Any advice on how we can save money on the move itself, short-term ‘stops’ which may save us a few hundred pounds until we find somewhere suitable etc would be VERY MUCH appreciated!! Is it worth taking on a 6 month lease somewhere really cheap and putting out stuff in storage for that period? Any ideas would be great, please!
• The wedding later on in the year: now that DH’s money situation is becoming clearer, I wish we could cancel the whole thing. Unfortunately, I can’t deal with the embarrassment that it’ll create as invitations went out ages ago. If I could wave a magic wand and make it go away, I would. Not only it’s a lot of money being spent on one occasion (we’ve gone through the budget a million times and there’s nothing that can be taken out) but I don’t want to resent us having to go through an incredibly awkward scenario whilst DH continuous splashing cash about. I am happy to be frugal but not when I am the only one making an effort. Any thoughts, please? I am tempted to ask my mum to pick up the bill for my dress or make a bit more of a contribution but I still think that DH has to step up to the mark instead of me looking for ways to bail him out – I suspect that others have done that in the past and it’s obviously taught him nothing at all.
• At the moment, I am paying all the household bills, our rent and gym membership. That’s ok on the basis that it’s myself, my DS and DH. DH has the expense of travel to see his two young children every other weekend (5hr + round trip plus taking them out for food, doing stuff with them etc) and whatever he pays towards their maintenance. At home, he picks up the bill for the grocery shopping and any take-aways or whenever we go out to the movies etc as a couple. We very rarely drink, we don’t smoke and never have more than one take-away or meal out a week so the gym is really our treat to ourselves and even with the cinema, we are actually pretty selective and always whether the film is worth seeing. However, I went to the theatre in London with DS, for example, and that cost me over £100 in train tickets, matinee tickets, food etc. I am not much of a shopper but I struggle to spend less on food and the odd bit of entertainment. Any advice / thoughts with regard to sorting out home budget? Experiences of having a difficult conversation with partner? How did you resolve it?
• Seeing that the plan is to move to a smaller place, I have put a date in the diary to take lots of stuff to a car boot sale. At the moment, we still have two settee sets in the house and duplicates of various things, plus lots of smaller items to sell. Any suggestions on how to raise as much cash as possible would be much appreciated, please! Also, how to hold on to it so that we don’t go through all this trouble and have nothing to show afterwards, as it’s all spent on new clothes or pointless stuff. One thing that I’ve done so far is to add anything sold on eBay to the wedding spreadsheet and seeing that the money is sitting in the paypal account, leaving it untouched.

This is ‘it’ for now, thank you in advance for any advice and shared experiences!!!!

rockm87

cant you move into your mortgaged property? thus putting your rent payments towards debt?

Meatloaf1981

Well this is a tough, tough situation. You have a number of options really:

1. Sit down with your OH and learn the full extent of BOTH of your debts. Fill out a full Statement of Affairs covering every single aspect of your income and outgoings, including budgeting for things like Christmas, gifts, prescriptions, insurance, EVERYTHING. Absolutely KEY here is his honesty. he has to be honest and open otherwise any marriage that follows will have zero foundation to build upon.

2. Work out if between you whether you can afford to fully service the debts. If not, you need to seriously consider whether one of both of you get some debt advice from Stepchange or another debt charity.

3. The wedding. These can be super expensive, however if you don't actually have the physical money to pay for things, how do you expect to meet the bill requests? Either reconsider the wedding, bite the bullet and force yourself to deal with the embarrassment, or strip it back to absolute bear bones of a simple ceremony without a formal reception. Reconsider your dress, much as it may pain you to do so, unless you can get some financial assistance from family to get you through it. People often say there is "nowhere" they can cut back on the wedding but what they really mean is there is nowhere they WANT to cut back because they have a particular idea of how it will go in their heads. You need to get past that. Going ahead without proper planning and NECESSARY cuts (Not just cuts you are prepared to make!) will mean years of debt to repay and clearly you are not in a position to do so.

4. As far as your OH goes, you need to be firm but fair. He is in a financial mess and has buried his head in the sand. If he won't face it with you then you need to question his maturity level given you're about to become his wife. Marrying someone when they have not addressed their debt issues head on is simply asking for a massive train wreck. If he won't change his habits for you and your marriage, then he is not half the man you might have thought he was.

First things first, I would suggest getting your Statement of Affairs up here for everyone to have a look at with you. You'd be amazed by a fresh pair of eyes can do with a budget you thought was hopeless!

Beanie514

As the wedding is for both of you maybe you could use that as a starter for the conversation, "think it's time we put together a payment plan for the wedding what do you think?" Have your Statement of Account ready to go with a complete picture of all your own expendature then suggest helping him with his so you can compare.

Hope it works out for you. Keep us posted

bargainbetty

Koalabear wrote: »

• I am on top of my debts, with everything being paid off monthly ,and all household bills etc are as they should. However, DH is drowning in unpaid debt. He thinks I don’t know and he doesn’t talk about it. From what I’ve seen, his credit history is a train-crash and he likes to shop – he purchases things compulsively, such as endless pairs of shoes, various pairs of the same trousers, etc. It was ok when he was earning twice as much as what he earns now but even then, it’s a very immature approach to money as he was still prioritising the ‘extras’ over meeting his financial commitments to some extent. I obviously didn’t marry him for his wealth ;-)

I'm afraid that you need to sit your OH down and confront him about both his debt and his spending. It may be that because he thinks you don't know the extent of it that he is keeping up appearances and would be relieved to be able to talk about it.

• We need to move houses asap. I have a property elsewhere which I rent out (mortgage always paid on time) and we are currently renting a house which has become too expensive to rent and on the household bills front. Therefore, I have given the landlord notice and have contacted every single agent in town to find somewhere cheaper & smaller.
  

Look at storage deals locally and find out if it would work. If you have childcare responsibilities, is this actually a practical option?

• The wedding later on in the year: now that DH’s money situation is becoming clearer, I wish we could cancel the whole thing. Unfortunately, I can’t deal with the embarrassment that it’ll create as invitations went out ages ago. Can you cancel it without causing other people financial loss? i.e. tickets etc. Embarrassment would be explaining to people that you are having to move house because you refuse to lose face by paying for a wedding you don't need. Stuff the red-faces, just look at the real practicalities of cancelling and do it if it will substantially reduce the potential losses. Tell people it is because of the red-tape nightmare - how can that be bad?
  
• I don’t want to resent us having to go through an incredibly awkward scenario whilst DH continuous splashing cash about. No, he needs to grow up and face the facts.
  
• At the moment, I am paying all the household bills, our rent and gym membership. That’s ok on the basis that it’s myself, my DS and DH. DH has the expense of travel to see his two young children every other weekend (5hr + round trip plus taking them out for food (why not feed them at home), doing stuff with them etc find cheap/free options, they want time not money) and whatever he pays towards their maintenance. So you are paying for his rent and bills? Stop it and make him contribute a fair amount towards the bills, instead of buying junk. At home, he picks up the bill for the grocery shopping (look at reducing your expenditure by cooking at home and avoiding waste and any take-aways or whenever we go out to the movies etc as a couple Get Netflix for a month.
  
• However, I went to the theatre in London with DS, for example, and that cost me over £100 in train tickets, matinee tickets, food etc. I am not much of a shopper but I struggle to spend less on food and the odd bit of entertainment. Choose your entertainment using vouchers, deals, web offers etc. Any advice / thoughts with regard to sorting out home budget? Look at the Old Style boards for advice.
  
• Also, how to hold on to it so that we don’t go through all this trouble and have nothing to show afterwards, as it’s all spent on new clothes or pointless stuff. Will power? Put it where he can't get it?

Do a full budget using the statement of affairs link on here. You can put it up here for comments and advice, or just keep it to yourself but be honest and you will see where cutbacks can be made.

You can deal with things, and nothing is unbeatable, but you are going to have to address it with your OH, and get him onto a proper budget. Yourself too. If you've chosen a meaningful drop in income, your have to look at other things to find out what is meaningful as well.

Best of luck

Koalabear

Thank you very much for your responses, I just working through my SOA.


With regard to the wedding, I can pay for the outstanding amount as I've got enough money put aside, but I don't want to have to 'rescue' the situation as this was an expense that we both agreed on. The first thing I did was to set up a spreadsheet and go through it with DH. He assured me that he was happy with it but since then, I've come across a number of unpaid fines, debts etc which I wasn't aware of.


I would rather take a more practical approach in order to address not just the wedding fund situation but also our long-term cost of living by streamlining and making cuts. Obviously, this will lead nowhere if DH is spending it all on yet another pair of shoes or a new blazer!!
The money raised so far is in my own paypal account and can only be transferred into my bank account so he can't spend it. On a separate note, it's really sad to be writing this about your other half, isn't it??

saterkey

it is when your not even married yet. If you find out he is 20k in debt will that change your view on marrying him perhaps. you need to know what your letting yourself in for.

Koalabear

To some people, money isn't that important and I don't place too much importance on wealth per se. However, I always pay my way and I certainly don't expect other people to pick up the pieces. I love him to bits but I will 100% despise him if I see him leaning on me and expecting me to use the money that I've got to put aside to 'rescue' the situation by paying for everything myself. I know that what he's paying now roughly amounts to a fair share of contributions towards our overall expenditure so that's ok, but I went through the wedding costs with him, made a point of discussing and questioning every entry on the spreadsheet and he assured me that he was happy with it. That was before I became aware of the unpaid fines, debts etc...


When do you start losing respect for your other half???

Meatloaf1981

Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves here. People get into debt for different reasons and for some people it can be a deeply embarrassing thing to confront head on. I know as I speak from personal experience. To my shame I allowed myself to get in the mess I got into but the measure of a person is how they deal with it when the cookie starts to crumble.

You owe it to yourself to give him the chance to talk about things openly. Try not to judge him. The worst thing you can ask someone who has got into debt is "why". The best thing you can say to him is "I'm here for you. I will help you find a way through this but the responsibility for it rests with you. You need to be stronger and you need to take notice. I will support you because I love you, please don't disrespect me or disrespect yourself by ignoring this situation as it won't go away."

He may be relieved to be unburdened from the issue, but equally he may resent being "confronted" so it all comes down to how you broach the subject. Try to avoid judgemental terms. Try and be understanding. If, like me, he got into debt simply by overspending for far too long beyond his means, he will already feel guilt, shame and worry to the extent that any further prods in that direction from you will likely make him very upset and emotional.

I find hugs work very well

7roland8

What a situation to be in just after your wedding. I would definitely save money by not bothering with another service etc. Just write and say the money is going on a house instead - much more sensible and everyone should understand.

rising_from_the_ashes

I'm confused about why you presumably paid for another wedding last week when you've still got the one in September to pay for?

(congratulations btw!)

Please do post up the SOA as it will make things a lot clearer ..... obviously things that need to be looked at that you've mentioned are gym memberships etc!