advice needed!

coolforcats

hi

my mum has just called me to tell me she has just found out my little sister is in mega debt and her bank are going to take her to court as she owes them almost £500 from bank charges as she had no overdraft. she has successfully already claimed almost1K in charges back from them so they wont drop anything else.

my mum also revealed she paid off my sisters credit card a while back (£500) and now that is maxed and she thinks my sis has another one also maxed and she knows she has lots of store cards but doesnt know how much owed or to whom.

my sister is working now but only just started there and its one of those dodgy telesales jobs that no one ever sticks for long (cold calling!!)

she is only 19

it all started when she went through something really horrific and refused to get counselling. our dad had just died a few weeks before this incident happened.

she owes her friends and my mum money on top of 'real' debts. my mum says that she hasnt really bought anything but suspects most of this money owed has been spent in the pub and the off license.

what should i tell my mum to do?

so far i have told her she needs to 'ground' my sister (who still lives at home) and get her to write down every penny owed. i almost think she should make her go to court in the theory it will scare her about how real this all is. but my mum just wants to pay everything off (which my mum cant really afford)

also if a company did send debt collectors round could they take my mums stuff as they live together?my mum is s scare dof this now my dad isnt there to look after her!

what a mess!

please can someone help

(ps im not a troll im a regular member just made a new sign on as my sister comes on this site sometimes)
cheers

MrsTinks

OK they cannot take anything that belongs to your mum Your sister has obviously been through something that has sparked this off... I can make educated guesses from the lack of details here and if that is the case then get her to see a councillor - she obviously needs help. Your mother is doting on her because she lives at home and your mother has recently lost your father and she's doing everything she can to protect her youngest daughter from the world. It's a natural reaction but not healthy for either of them.
Your sister no matter what she has been thougth needs to learn how to get out of this herself. You and your mum can suport her but DON'T pay her debts off for her!
You say she's spent a lot of it in the pub and off license... does she have a drinking problem? It's a common escape if you have issues you don't want to deal with or can't face... take this from someone who knows too well - my parents drink so much I think they are pre-pickling for science and I have a natural tendency towards it myself so have to be careful... And lord knows I've had reason to look to that solution in the past... probably from the same reason your sister has...
Sit her down and talk to her - speak to the samaritans first if you want some advice

coolforcats

thank you for replying

she does drink a lot and she is on the strongest anti depressents they will prescribe. obviously the 2 do NOT go well together!

any idea how to proceed as in with the debt? what does she need to do? or can someone point me in the direction to get her some more help!

im doing this to help my mum more than here i truly believe the only way she will learn is to get herself out of it

angelavdavis

Hi,

You have received really good advice so far.

I can really sympathise on having a sibling who is equally hopeless in debt. We have bailed him out many times, my parents even took out a loan to pay off the debts last time (they are retired and we rowed about it but they insisted) and he never paid them back a penny. He is back neck deep again and we have refused to help him this time. He is just burying his head in the sand (he is now earning so has no excuse not to pay up).

As a family, we suffered a terrible loss when we were younger and although I learned to cope with it, my brother has never got over it. He has had counselling and we have certainly seen a positive improvement.

So, I suggest you try to encourage your sister to go for counselling. Have you all managed to discuss things (without getting annoyed?). I think you need to have a gentle chat to help her realise she is breaking your mum's heart.

Good luck

mae

My advice to your mum would be first of all check that she is not liable re her living in the house etc and then I would do tough love. I would not help her out at all unless she is fully helping herself and I mean fully. I do not mean to sound harsh at all as I feel for your sister however if your mum helps her out she willing only be enabling her to carry on the way she is so infact will be doing her no favours in the long. I hope that makes sense. And I no that it is easier said that done but I hope your mum can be strong and tell her that when she sees evidence hard evidence that she is doing something about it then she will give her all the help she needs.
Good luck I know ow stressful it is when a sibling is causing your parents so much worry I've been there with my brother in different circumstances and I used to swing from wanting to kill him to wanting to give him a hug its awful but we enabled him by 'helping' for too many years to carry on exactly how he was. It wasn't until we turned him away that he got help for himself.
Good luck

MrsTinks

coolforcats wrote: »

thank you for replying

she does drink a lot and she is on the strongest anti depressents they will prescribe. obviously the 2 do NOT go well together!

any idea how to proceed as in with the debt? what does she need to do? or can someone point me in the direction to get her some more help!

im doing this to help my mum more than here i truly believe the only way she will learn is to get herself out of it

Well there are kinda 2 problems that I can see but they are connected and I think dealing with the debt will only happen once she's got her head sorted a bit. I've done depressions, I've done booze - never did anti-depressants - they don't solve anything! OK so they work for some people but obviously not your sister by the sounds of things...

I would seriously phone the samaritans - they're a good bunch of people. Also speak to your doctor and see if they can offer advice. If for whatever reason she needs to get some more treatment then they can get it to her. She's obviously not coping for some reason. Is it that she's refusing to deal with it? Tries to ignore it ever happened and the anti depressants can make her feel numb (not facing up to it doesn't make it go away - it merely postpones it... )

Debt... Your mum cannot deal with this for her! If she does then your sister will never learn, she'll never move on and she will probably never be shaken out of this depression she's in. She's a rock bottom now so only way is up!
I would first speak to your mum - show her this thread if you need - and tell her that you can't bail your sister out - helping her is going to be for you to be there supporting her, NOT fixing problems for her. By getting herself out of this with your help then she'll see she's stronger than all the bad stuff, she can handle the world although right now she probably doesn't think so. She's more than likely getting court notices because she's not corresponding at all to the creditors and they don't take that lying down. A well written letter from her and maybe a note from her doctor saying she's been prescribed anti depressants etc and again a letter from you and your mum saying that you will be assisting her in organising (NOT repaying) her debts so that they will get their money might appease them. Make sure though you tell them they will eventually be paid back - but ask them to give you a little time to present them with a re-payment plan. If you have a court date then turn up with your sister and MAKE her explain it. The judge will be more lenient if you explain that you were all unaware of the magnitude of the problem and you present him with a re-payment plan and a full SOA of her finances incoming and out going etc.
She can't go to jail - it's not council tax - they can't really re-possess anything as it sounds like most fo the stuff is your mums but they CAN technically (eventually once all the legal hoops have been jumped through) take anything of your sisters to sell and try and recover some costs. If they take anything belonging to your mum however that would be theft and so they can't (if they do report them and then they have to hand it back!). There are people here who know more about this side than me though so I could have got that wrong
DO however put together a full list of debts, a full SOA and a repayment plan for her. If she will let your mum then get her to pay EVERYTHING direct to your mum and return to the "pocket money" way of life and let your mum handle the repayment plans. Any credit cards have to be cut up and you need to get her to AA...
Good luck