Advice needed for Partner's debt problem

rog2

Richard_S wrote: »

I hope this doesn't sound flippant; it's certainly not meant to be. If all else fails, why not draw up a loan agreement and lend him £2k-£3k, with specified repayment dates. Make sure you keep the money where it's not going to be spentfrivolously and when he's missed say three payments send him a demand for the money. When he can't pay, petition for his bankruptcy; it's going to cost you the legal fees to do it, but it could well be a cheap option in the long run.

That has the makings of an EXCELLENT idea, Rich. OP should bear in mind that the court fees are liable to be far in excess of the normal bankruptcy fees, and Nelson has more chance of getting his eye back than wit does of seeing any of her money back. Nevertheless it WILL sort out his other debt problems. Nice one.

Richard_S

rog2 wrote: »

That has the makings of an EXCELLENT idea, Rich. OP should bear in mind that the court fees are liable to be far in excess of the normal bankruptcy fees, and Nelson has more chance of getting his eye back than wit does of seeing any of her money back. Nevertheless it WILL sort out his other debt problems. Nice one.

I was trying to think "outside the box" Rog,:eek:

It's an awful situation and you sometimes wonder if there's anything you can suggest that could possibly help.

If you were to ask my O.H whether we'd left things too late she would probably say that I'd carried on long after the battle was lost, but I think that was more "pig headed" arrogance that I thought I could turn things round.

It's always so easy to look back with the benefit of hindsight but when you're stuck in the middle of a serious problem it's the murkiest place in the world.

Rich

lauric

You could get him to talk to the local citizens advice bureu, or if he is too proud/in denial to do this, he mmust speak to a charity. He cannot run away from debt forever. I ave had a person in my family go through similiar sitation. My grandad was an accountant and he always said for as long as you can, avoid declarig yourself bankrupt.

and please please do not take a loan out for him, you may love/trust this man, but one day things may go wrong and you are left to pay the debt off.

i think the best thing you can do it show him some of the stories of bankruptcy on this website and say if he doesnt acknowledge he has a problem them you cant help him any more. This should be a wake up call enough.

i hope this helps, and i hope you get sorted out.

rog2

Richard_S wrote: »

I was trying to think "outside the box" Rog,:eek:

Nothing wrong with 'Creative Problem Solving' Rich, and as I said that's an idea that, whilst it may need some fine tuning, could well work. There are many here who believe in the concept of 'tough love', and it couldn't get much tougher than this - but it's results that count.

wherediditallgo

NekoZombie wrote: »

Although some may remember the thread I posted a couple of weeks back about a loan to my sister - well I lent her the money - suffice to say the loan is still outstanding. Some people can't be helped, despite the best will in the world.

Sorry to hear that Neko. Does she know you're BR - if so, then she should be ashamed of herself for asking for money that she knows you genuinely can't afford to lose & not paying it back as promised. If I'd read some of the stories on this forum 2 years ago, I'd have gone BR sooner. If I'd read them 5 years ago, I wouldn't have been in debt in the first place. I suggest you write out a list of the people your sister owes money to (those that you know about anyway), the amounts & what promises were made to repay them. Next time she has her begging bowl out, give her the list & say "When you settle those debts, & not before". A friend asked me to loan her £50 last week, & I said no, on the basis that I'm BR & I don't want her to end up going down the same route. She then told me it was an emergency, but a while back another friend did that for about £20 only for me to watch her go in the supermarket & spend it on cigarettes & wine :eek: - I never got the money back either, so no more "I'm desperate" handouts from me to that young miss or any others unless I can see the circumstances for myself.

Wit, my mum always says to never lend what you can't afford to lose, because when you lend that money you may give away goodwill as well. If you're in a situation where you're facing lending your partner money to get himself out a hole created before you knew him, having hidden his whereabouts for years, please ask yourself how you'd get the money back if he decided not to pay it back & you couldn't afford or didn't want to make him BR. You'd be losing far more than money then.

alwaysonthego_2

lauric wrote: »

You could get him to talk to the local citizens advice bureu, or if he is too proud/in denial to do this, he mmust speak to a charity. He cannot run away from debt forever.

The CAB can only help if he acknowledges that he has a problem, otherwise they won''t be able to do anything

tallyhoh

Hi Wit,

I am dubious about the 40k he says he owes. If he knows he owes that much and he has not been in contact with he creditors for a while, I think you can safely double that figure. There will be debts he has forgot because they were so "small" and there will be late payment charges, more admin charges, interest charges, visits charges, charges for charges etc, etc,

The debts dont stand still, they are getting worse.:eek:

BrandNewDay

rog2 wrote: »

Nothing wrong with 'Creative Problem Solving' Rich, and as I said that's an idea that, whilst it may need some fine tuning, could well work. There are many here who believe in the concept of 'tough love', and it couldn't get much tougher than this - but it's results that count.

I disagree. "Tough Love" would be to tell the guy to get out until he's got his life sorted. I think loaning him £3000 with the intention of bankrupting him is just an expensive way of making someone else's problems your own.

Richard_S

BrandNewDay wrote: »

I disagree. "Tough Love" would be to tell the guy to get out until he's got his life sorted. I think loaning him £3000 with the intention of bankrupting him is just an expensive way of making someone else's problems your own.

Hi BND,

Your posts have been very intuitive and I don't know whether you're male or female but I'm always very hesitant to make personal comments when somebody is posting for the first time; or the 1,000th time.

If two people are truly in love then comments like "get out until you've got your life sorted" rather spoils the intimacy and is more than a little harsh. What I suggested was a "subtle" mechanism where one person could demonstrate to the other that it was past the time that their problems should be addressed.

One of the most effective negotiating tactics ever is to let somebody else think that the "bright idea" they've come up with is one of their own making. My rationale was that if the O.P presents her reticent O.H with a route to his bankruptcy then he may well react by assuming the idea to be his own and just present her with the completed forms and a Court date.

Don't bother calling me a hopeless optimist, I've heard it so many times, but you'd be amazed how often my "whacky" ideas hit the mark.

Richard

BrandNewDay

Richard_S wrote: »

Hi BND,

Your posts have been very intuitive and I don't know whether you're male or female but I'm always very hesitant to make personal comments when somebody is posting for the first time; or the 1,000th time.

If two people are truly in love then comments like "get out until you've got your life sorted" rather spoils the intimacy and is more than a little harsh. What I suggested was a "subtle" mechanism where one person could demonstrate to the other that it was past the time that their problems should be addressed.

One of the most effective negotiating tactics ever is to let somebody else think that the "bright idea" they've come up with is one of their own making. My rationale was that if the O.P presents her reticent O.H with a route to his bankruptcy then he may well react by assuming the idea to be his own and just present her with the completed forms and a Court date.

Don't bother calling me a hopeless optimist, I've heard it so many times, but you'd be amazed how often my "whacky" ideas hit the mark.

Richard

I wasn't telling the OP to kick her partner out: I was saying that that would be the definition of tough love.

However, I do think it's silly for someone to spend £3000 plus court costs to take care of someone else's problems for them. I think it's kinda bizarre that a woman can come to a message board and ask for advice on how to make someone else do something they don't want to do for themselves, and people will try to think of creative ways to make that happen. SHE'S the one willing to come and ask for help, so SHE'S the one I, as a reader, can try and help. I don't think that she can make her partner do a damn thing. I know that I can't help her help him. But, I can encourage her to help herself. For starters, I can encourage her to not make his problems her own.