In the benefits trap and need to get out!!!

impecunious

I really need to get back to work as my marriage is suffering by the amount of time we are spending together. My wife resents the fact that she works and I don't. And who can blame her??? As she works from home as a Registered Childminder, there is no escaping. There really shouldn't be any debate and I should just go out and get a job and that's that. But what's really holding me back is the fact that we would lose £215 a week in benefits, not including free prescriptions etc Through a combination of faults with us and the council, we owe them in excess of £4000 - the notification that we married and I moved into her home (I have always worked previously to the last year) somehow got lost and, according to the law, we were liable for many, many months of housing benefit and council tax overpayments. We very nearly lost our home and I sleep a lot better now knowing that our rent is being paid by housing benefit. I know it must sound selfish of me, yet my family's well-being, as well as my own, is paramount.

I only became unemployed to help my wife in the latter stages of a difficult pregnancy. Our baby, Alfie, was born sleeping and that, of course, totally changed things for us. Now seven months later, and the acute pain diminshing, I feel that I am in such a bind that it is really difficult knowing where to turn. I am obviously concerned for my wife (who is currently being prescribed anti-depressants) and want to keep a close eye on her. Coupled with the fact that I would have to earn a lot just to compete with our benefits, I am hardly motivated to look for employment. As someone who doesn't have any real qualifications (uni drop out!) and lacks a career, I ain't realistically going to earn much more that what we are getting now.

Apologies for this post being so long, but I think I should change my user name to "Mr Confusion" and, therefore, would welcome any advice offered.

Conor_3

OK, if you got a job for 40 hrs a week, the National Minimum Wage is £214. Also you'd be able to claim Working Tax Credit and Child Tax Credits which are a fair whack. For example, both my wife and I work. We have a gross income of £16000 per year and two children. We get roughly £5000 a year combined CTC/WTC so our take home cash in hand is around £425 a week.

And it's not about being better off than being on benefit but about your self esteem and self worth.

Thanks to the Tax Credits, there is no benefit trap other than that which people create for themselves. "I'm stuck in the benefits trap" is nothing more than an excuse. Stop using it.

chika

I haven't got any advice about being better or worse off but the point that Conor made about self esteem is a good one.

Also while you are off work why not try and get some qualifications that will put you in a good position to get a more satisfying / better paying job that will hopefuloly lift the burden on you.

Good Luck

Rikki

I'm sorry for your loss, but as others have said your life and self esteem will improve greatly if you were working.
Relationships become strained and difficult when you spend all your time together. You will be giving your selve space to enjoy the time you are together and open up a world outside the home for both of you.
You are stuck in a rut and need to get out, find a job and even train for a completely new career.

alwaysonthego_2

sorry to hear about the loss of your baby Alfie, you are probably feeling depressed. It would do you good to go out to work, to have a purpose in life. Good luck to you for the future

HappyG1rl

impecunious wrote: »

I really need to get back to work as my marriage is suffering by the amount of time we are spending together. My wife resents the fact that she works and I don't. And who can blame her??? As she works from home as a Registered Childminder, there is no escaping. There really shouldn't be any debate and I should just go out and get a job and that's that. But what's really holding me back is the fact that we would lose £215 a week in benefits, not including free prescriptions etc Through a combination of faults with us and the council, we owe them in excess of £4000 - the notification that we married and I moved into her home (I have always worked previously to the last year) somehow got lost and, according to the law, we were liable for many, many months of housing benefit and council tax overpayments. We very nearly lost our home and I sleep a lot better now knowing that our rent is being paid by housing benefit. I know it must sound selfish of me, yet my family's well-being, as well as my own, is paramount.

I only became unemployed to help my wife in the latter stages of a difficult pregnancy. Our baby, Alfie, was born sleeping and that, of course, totally changed things for us. Now seven months later, and the acute pain diminshing, I feel that I am in such a bind that it is really difficult knowing where to turn. I am obviously concerned for my wife (who is currently being prescribed anti-depressants) and want to keep a close eye on her. Coupled with the fact that I would have to earn a lot just to compete with our benefits, I am hardly motivated to look for employment. As someone who doesn't have any real qualifications (uni drop out!) and lacks a career, I ain't realistically going to earn much more that what we are getting now.

Apologies for this post being so long, but I think I should change my user name to "Mr Confusion" and, therefore, would welcome any advice offered.

Firstly, my sincere sympathy to you both on losing baby Alfie.

You've really answered your own question in the first sentence - you need to get back to work so that your marriage doesn't suffer.
It must be really difficult to motivate yourself when you feel you won't be any better off financially. What are the options?

1) Working but only receiving the same level of income you have now, having more social contact with others at work, higher self esteem and different things to talk with your wife about, a better relationship with your wife because you aren't stifling each other by spending too much time together.

2) Staying unemployed and your marriage suffering even more.


Although this sounds like a no-brainer to me, could your lack of motivation be that you are also depressed? After all you've lost your baby too and are having to provide emotional support to your wife through her depression.

Were you happy with your income before you gave up your job to help your wife during her pregnancy? If so, you can be again.

What kind of work did you do?

TheWaltons_3

I have started working more at home now and spending much more time with my husband, as we work shifts... and sometimes I am just fuming with him! We don't get on at all!!!

I love him, but spending so much time with him irritates me.

I am sorry for your loss, but for your self-esteem, and to help your marriage, do try and get a job, even part-time. You will still get help with your council tax/housing benefit on a low wage and you will get Tax Credits.

Plus your wife only has to declare 1 third of her income if she is a childminder, plus she can claim household expenses as it is her employment.

network

hi
would voluntary wk cause probs with benefits
would working for cab voluntary or some charity give you extra skills?

poppyscorner

I would like to offer my sympathies for your tragic loss of your son.

I have been where you are I lost my first a little girl she too was born sleeping and the pain was unbearable for both myself and my husband and everyone connected with us.

I was never right afterwards for a long time I had a job but was off work sick for a good 12months it made me worse I had time to sit and stew on things and that really messed with my head.

Your pain will almost certainly still be raw and hurt deeply and as harsh as it sounds what you need is to get some normality back in your lives you used to work and could do so again it doesnt matter what the pay is as others have said it gives you your self esteem and self worth and it is far from easy to start with you will not want to go but really you need to this I believe can only help your wife too as this is her normality you going out to work and her doing her work from home as things are now she probably reminds herself that you stopped work initially to help her during her pregnancy which ultimately went dreadfully wrong and that wont be helping her.

If you do not feel up to full time work initially then as others have suggested go to college and retrain to do something that will pay you well enough so you wouldnt make the benefits/work comparisson. This would also give you a sense of purpose working towards a better life for your family and get you out of the house give you something else to think about.

What you have been through is the most awful experience one could ever imagine but you owe it to yourself to get back up and carry on life goes on you will never forget Alfie he will always be with you as Jessica is with me and over time it gets a bit easier to live with but it will swallow you up if you allow it the last thing you need now is to be splitting with your wife your relationship does not have to be a casualty of your grief and ultimately you will become stronger.

I wish you both well
Poppy x