Is anyone else finding it hard moving back home?

casson2006

I have just finished university and i am now living at home with my mum. I am really finding it hard because i feel like she just treats me like a child and i am 22. If i ever go out its always where you going, who with and what time will you be back etc, and if i am ever a little late i get a txt asking where i am.

My mum n dad split up when i had jst started uni, so the last few years havent been easy, and now we are all at a point where it feels more easy. But for instance if i ever say i am stayin over at my dads, or doing something with him, she goes in a mood with me and bearly speaks to me. And the other day i went for a job interview, (a job i wasnt too bothered about) and i wasnt sure weather 2 accept it, bt in the end i did. I told my dad 1st jst because he had rang me, then i told me mum later on and all i got back was "ok". So it feels like just beacause she wasnt the 1st to know she wasnt happy about it. But its like theirs only so much u can do, and i feel like im forever trying to please people and constantly having to watch what i do or say to her.

She has also just moved house, and because shes on her own and cant drive she just expects me to do things for her. I dont mind helping out at all but she never just asks me, she jst tells me, and i have a life aswell and she just seems to want me 2 fit it around her!

It is really getting me down and depressing me, and i know i should say something, but evertime i do all i get back is i dont act like that, i never said that etc, and it jst feels almost not wort it sometimes.
I know i am an adult now and im living under her roof, and i respect that, although i havent yet started work yet i always help round the house, make the dinner, do the shopping etc. So its not like i do nothing. I just got to the point now where i dont know what else to do. We used to be close but now i am finding it hard to even speak to her!

The only way i can think to resolve it is to move away, bt i have only just got a job and have my overdraft to pay off etc, and my boyfriend is still applying for jobs etc as he has also just finished uni, and we jst cant afford it. Its making me unhappy and i sometims take it out on my boyfriend, and its also starting to affect our relationship!

Sorry for how long this is, i apprciate anyone who reads this and could maybe offer some advice! thanks!

[Deleted User]

Keep this in your head - 'this is only a temporary arrangement, it's not forever'.

Soon, you'll have a job, no overdraft (if you're sensible) and will be able to move out. Keep this goal and future in mind, its something to hold onto and look forward to you.

You may also need to sit down and have a hard talk with your mother about how she has to respect your boundaries more.. it won't be fun but it's needed

RadoJo

Honestly, you might think you can't afford to move out, but you will manage, and if you think that your relationship with your mum and boyfriend might suffer, this might be the best way. I lived with my OH in the last year of uni in a private flat with only student loans and part time wages to live on, and we survived!

Your Mum has had to get used to living on her own presumably since her and your Dad split, so it is quite possible that she is quite a different person from when you left - and so are you! The freedom of uni life does change people, especially when you back into a situation where your parents have always been in charge - the transition seems to get a lot of people feeling the pressure. If your mum is in denial about her behaviour, you could try the approach of I know you didn't mean to sound bossy/demanding/whatever but you made me feel as though I am in your way/just a lift/whatever else' If you can put it in a way that is non-confrontational, it will be easier for both of you to put your thoughts across.

I agree with Ringo that you need to take a step back, grit your teeth and think about how good this will be for motivating you to pay off debts and find a place of your own! Whatever you decide, it must have been a real wrench for her to have you leave home and then a marriage breakdown, so she might still be running in spiky defensive mode!

Good luck - I'm sure you'll figure something out - she's still your Mum after all!

ktb

Is there any way that you can print out what you have written here and show it to her? It might hurt a bit at first but I really think you need to communicate how you are feeling to her. You obviously both have negative thoughts in your heads but they aren't going to be resolved unless you can get the guts to talk to each other. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

TurnaroundSue

I'm 42 and my mother still thinks I am a child - I don't think that will ever change. I could NEVER live with my mum as we would just argue constantly, so don't feel bad that you feel like this towards your mum.

My brother has just moved out of my mums after moving back 3 years ago and I often asked him how he managed to live in the same house as her. She used to go on at him for not tidying his bedroom, what time would he be home etc and they had many a barney. He used to say that the way he coped with it was letting a lot of it go over his head and chip away slowly at trying to get her to see his point of view. I think also him knowing that it wouldn't be forever helped also. Mind you, I am not saying that he was always in the right and she was wrong, sometimes I could see my mum's point of view.

If you can speak to your mum and explain the situation and how unhappy you are then maybe that might help. Is there anybody who could sit in with you who could help 'referee' the discussion? I used to have my mum and brother on the phone telling each side of the story and was then able to try and remain partial and speak to them both and try and explain how the other was feeling - this seemed to work also.

Remember your mum needs time to adjust to having you living back at home as much as you need time to adjust too.

Good luck and I hope everything work out for you both.

Savvy_Sue

casson2006 wrote: »

We used to be close but now i am finding it hard to even speak to her!

I went home for about a month after uni, before moving out to live with friends 3 miles away. Not sure I've ever been forgiven for that, but I think it was the best thing I've ever done!

Anyway, that might be your starting point: can you find a way of sitting down with your mum, maybe make a favourite meal or have coffee and cake, and trying to sort out a better way of getting on with each other. She may well have felt hurt that you told your dad something before you told her, and she may well still be 'raw' from the separation, but hopefully she can try to behave like a grownup ...

As for the going out and "when will you be back" problems, I'd say "live with it." Not as in be in by 10 pm, but just say where you're going, who with, and when you'll be back. I'd do this as a courtesy: DH and I do this with each other, my sons do it for us, and we do it for our sons. If you don't like getting the texts when you're 'late', give her a later time than you actually anticipate, and then send a text if you're later than that. We can't help worrying, it's hard-wired.

And as for her taking you for granted, talk about that. Would write more but I'm falling asleep ...