I did it, I told him

Spuddy27

That's awful that you have that on top of your debt to worry about. I agree with the above, get to your bed - it's YOUR bed to after all. If husband wants me to be a moody sod then let him sleep on the couch.

It's come as a shock to him, understandable, but the money hasn't been spent on lavish gifts - it's been on food and car things, things that no doubt your husband also ate/drove/was driven around in.

Good that you're eating again too. Have a nice wee supper and get into your comfy bed, I hope it all works out for you.

Lx

P.S why don't you post a SOA and we can all help with budgeting etc? £5000 may seem like a mountain to you but it's manageable, all debt is manageable somehow and its easier for outsiders to look in and find wee tweaks you can make to save pennies here and there.

Good luck!

atolaas

^^^ Just 2nding what Spuddy said about an SOA. We're here to help

Kittycat1981

Well done for telling him x Im sorry to hear that you have had such a bad reaction from him. Sounds like he is in denial.

When you do eventually talk about it, if i were you i would have all the cc statements ready, highlight purchases made and total them up, it will be there in black and white just how much HE is responsible for this debt also.

He was with you while spending on ebay on your cc, probably at the till at asda with you, drinking coffee with you, it is not just your mess!

Good luck, i am sure it will all work its self out, you've taken the hardest steps already

poppellerant

I couldn't read this thread without posting. To be honest, I haven't read much of the replies, so I am probably just repeating what everybody else has said. But I think the fact you know there are people out there who care can help you.

I think your husband probably feels he has let you down. So not only is he angry at you for lying to him, but angry at himself as a husband for not being able to provide for you. I don't agree with your husband giving you the silent treatment, but a lot of men don't like showing their emotions. For this reason only, I'd give him as much as he needs to come round. I'd hate to think that because you pushed him too far that you'd end up arguing.

In the meantime, while the Mr is mellowing, use this time to go through your finances. Post your financial statement here and perhaps people might be able to spot ways of saving you money. I know you'll be financially better off soon, but that doesn't mean to say you can afford to be wasteful.

I hope my post comes across as positive, as that's the attitude I'd like to rub off on the OP.

solentsusie

Well done for telling him, and well done for posting on here. It isn't easy and you can sometimes get some not so positive responses.

One thing I will mention is that sleeping on the sofa isn't going to do you or your relationship any good. Maybe it is time to move back into the bedroom?

I know it isn't easy but you do need to get a channel of communication going otherwise it is a slippery slope even further downhill. It also shouldn't be about pointing the finger and blame by either of you. You are a couple and you should look at ways you can work together to get yourself out of the situation you are in and not continue to add to it. He is probably feeling pretty powerless at the moment and has retreated into his 'cave'. Let him have a bit of time but don't let him stay in there too long otherwise nothing will get resolved.

Have you written down all of you outgoings and income (I believe there is a template on here that you can use) and looked at a budget and where you can perhaps make cuts to get this debt paid off? You really will need to involve your husband in this as he will have to make some adjustments to his expenditure as well. Cut out the expensive coffees, eBay purchases and spending unnecessarily in Asda for a start.

You also say that you are expecting your situation to improve over the summer by £500 per month? Does a loan get paid off or a pay rise happen? From reading your post it sounds like you have a 4K loan you took out to pay the credit card and then spent another 5K on the card. Is this correct?

I hope that you manage to get things sorted and I am sure you will once you sit down and assess your situation properly. At least by owning up to the debt you are taking the first step in the right direction.

Good luck.

cavework

OMG I am going to be so slated..
OP you and your partner are exactly that .. partners..
He is a big grown up adult and if his reaction to debt is to sulk and stick his head under a blanket I would be looking at kicking him back to his Moms ASAP..
so he is depressed .. ?
You tell him straight .. you are either in this together and will work together to solve the problem .. OR
he can do one..
Honestly
you TC
xx

On_my_way

I agree with you Cavework.

I don't understand why, if he is angry, he is taking it out on you.

I hope you can sort this out but please don't let him behave like this if you can summon the courage. It is his problem too and you need to fix it together.

If he is angry at himself why is he taking it out on you?

I hope and pray that you are ok. The emotionally draining side of this is very hard - and lots of people on here will appreciate that-but you need his support not his silent treatment.

bambos

Never_ending wrote: »

Hi everyone, I'm new to site despite reading it for years.

I wanted to post for the first time as I have just told my husband about my secret debt - £5k credit card!

I don't really know where to start other than my husband suffers from depression and can be very moody at times which makes talking to him hard so when he lost his job and had to take a much lower paid job finances became very tight. Despite me saying to him that we only had £350 spare a month after paying our outgoings and current debts it didn't register. Don't get me wrong he isn't lavish at all and we don't have an overly active social live but things like £20 per day at Asda on his days off on rubbish, buying old consoles on ebay, wanting to go for coffee all the time etc meant that £350 was never enough. I already had £4k in my visa which he knew about but I quickly took out a consolidation loan and cleared it, meaning there was more to spend on it and that is just what I did. I started paying our utility bills, food shopping, council tax and sometimes petrol. Before I knew it I had racked up £5k.

On Monday night I decided the not eating and not sleeping had to stop so told him about my credit card. He seemed so calm, asked some questions then turned the TV back on. I was so upset and angry for this mess but expected more of a response. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night and just went to bed a couple of hours later. I slept on the sofa. Since then he hasn't spoken much at all, only about our son. He did however send me an email on Tuesday morning saying he is so mad so can't talk but we will sort it out.

My concern is that over the next few months our financial situation will improve giving us an extra £500 a month and again at the end of the summer, giving us more extra but in the mean time both cars need new tyres, the engine warning light has come on in his car, I owe my folks £300 and my electricity bill is due. I know we can sort it all out but him not talking and me thinking about all of this is so stressful! I know things will improve for us and we will be able to pay things off but in the short term things are very, very tough.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I know WEcreated this mess. I just wish my husband would talk to me and tell me what he is thinking. The silent treatment and sleeping on the sofa are just making things so much worse for me.

I know there is nothing anyone can really say but I haven't told a soul about what's going on and had to get it out.

I think you should print off the above as stated in your original post and give it to him. The red/bold/underlined word was 'I' and I replaced it with 'we' and is something that your husband needs to wise up to.