I did it, I told him

Never_ending

Hi everyone, I'm new to site despite reading it for years.

I wanted to post for the first time as I have just told my husband about my secret debt - £5k credit card!

I don't really know where to start other than my husband suffers from depression and can be very moody at times which makes talking to him hard so when he lost his job and had to take a much lower paid job finances became very tight. Despite me saying to him that we only had £350 spare a month after paying our outgoings and current debts it didn't register. Don't get me wrong he isn't lavish at all and we don't have an overly active social live but things like £20 per day at Asda on his days off on rubbish, buying old consoles on ebay, wanting to go for coffee all the time etc meant that £350 was never enough. I already had £4k in my visa which he knew about but I quickly took out a consolidation loan and cleared it, meaning there was more to spend on it and that is just what I did. I started paying our utility bills, food shopping, council tax and sometimes petrol. Before I knew it I had racked up £5k.

On Monday night I decided the not eating and not sleeping had to stop so told him about my credit card. He seemed so calm, asked some questions then turned the TV back on. I was so upset and angry for this mess but expected more of a response. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night and just went to bed a couple of hours later. I slept on the sofa. Since then he hasn't spoken much at all, only about our son. He did however send me an email on Tuesday morning saying he is so mad so can't talk but we will sort it out.

My concern is that over the next few months our financial situation will improve giving us an extra £500 a month and again at the end of the summer, giving us more extra but in the mean time both cars need new tyres, the engine warning light has come on in his car, I owe my folks £300 and my electricity bill is due. I know we can sort it all out but him not talking and me thinking about all of this is so stressful! I know things will improve for us and we will be able to pay things off but in the short term things are very, very tough.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I know I created this mess. I just wish my husband would talk to me and tell me what he is thinking. The silent treatment and sleeping on the sofa are just making things so much worse for me.

I know there is nothing anyone can really say but I haven't told a soul about what's going on and had to get it out.

krainuk

im sure once he gets over the shock he will come round. its hard keeping something like this a secret and i applaud you for finally saying something. it sounds like you will be ok as you have stated that your income will increase in the near future. it may just be a case of in the short term figuring out what "needs" to be done and leave what you "want" done to when you have the money to pay for it.

worrybegone

Hi there I didn't want to read and run ,im sure everything will be fine you have done the worst part and that's tell him ,xxx

On_my_way

Well done for telling him - tbh he can't really be that surprised as money doesn't grow on trees and he will know that.

My ex got me in to loads of debt because he was very moody, he lost his job and wouldn't go for interviews etc so I had to pay for everything for 3 years and it was a nightmare.

Look after yourself. Hopefully now that you are both onboard you can both fix it

On_my_way

Sorry but reading your message again makes me so angry- it is exactly how my ex treated me. He may be suffering but he is actually bullying you. Basically he is using his moods and blanking you to control and upset you. This is as much his fault as yours- where did he think the money for coffee etc was coming from?

It is sad that he lost his job and had to accept something else but he can't treat you badly because he spent the money too.

Please look after yourself xxxx

Bobarella

Sorry to read all of that. But I think you going into debt to keep the family going is not shocking. It's sad you couldn't talk to your husband and if he loves you that's probably got to hurt. He may feel angry with himself for not seeing how tight things were and how hard you were trying. At least he is trying to communicate via the email. I really hope you can sort things out together.
Bob

supersaver1000

I so agree with on my ways last post. Money doesn't grow on trees and you've only been trying to do your best.

It's incredible how all those £20 spends add up to hundreds and then thousands with nothing to show really.

My DH would rather not hear things and doesn't make it easy for me to talk about reining in the spending. But it has to be done and they either have to listen or get given an allowance with no access to credit cards etc. it's actually made my DH start to appreciate money. He says he's now changed but I think he's got some way to go yet.

Sazzie23

Hi Never

Well done for telling him and even more for having the bottle to share it on here. It's a really tough time, I've been there in very similar circs but with a larger debt, however I was also a blas! spender as well as OH so I was at fault whereas sounds lie you are the innocent party in all this.

OH reaction was very similar but I found in the end that he blamed himself a bit and was mad at himself too, can't say if your OH thinks this. Might be helpful if you can document what you have put on the CC in black and white as words sometimes don't go in. I think I'd leave that list somewhere where he could look at it in his own time.

Also perhaps the plan for getting back to debt free might be useful to be written down and 'left out' somewhere. Need to include the longer term budget plan for car repairs etc. You sound very switched on and organised and I'm sure you can get through this. Don't be tempted back to old habits because it's easier than confronting him, it just prolongs the agony.

Acknowledge the hurt that's been caused without blaming yourself might be a starting point for a discussion with him. Seek help if you need to, GP or union might be able to help with counselling.

Never_ending

Thanks everyone. Your replies have helped me feel a little better about the mess I've made. Actually telling him, despite the sofa and silence, has helped too. I hadn't slept for months and hadn't eaten properly for months. Last night I got a good 6 hours and even managed some soup for lunch today - sounds silly but it's a huge improvement.

dktreesea

Oh wow, OP, my sympathy. I can't believe your OH is being such a moody cow (yes, even guys qualify is they behave badly enough) over this. It's just money, and only £5k at that. As to communicating by email, how rude! So there he has been, spending money like water - who with any sense spends £20 on rubbish at Asda regularly if they have had to take a lower paying job? - yet he feels okay treating you like crap?


Don't let him guilt trip you. There's a guy who needs to wake up to himself. I think you should shove your credit card in his back pocket, tell him to pay all of it off himself and give him a kick up the backside for good measure. Thank goodness my own DH thinks love matters more than money.

Karonher

Firstly I would suggest you go to bed tonight regardless of whether or not he has gone up. The money has been spent by him as well and he needs to face up to it. Hopefully there will be an element of guilt in his behaviour and he learns to be more of an adult with his spending.

It may not be what you want to do but I would insist he took over some of the household finances instead of seemingly leaving it all to you.

Glad you are now sleeping and hope OHs attitude improves.