I think I need a kick up the proverbial, right?

cbma

On paper, my prospects of ever owning a property again seem good. However, I just can't seem to shift this almighty pervasive worry I have about it. I can't see stable home ownership (or even stable renting) ever happening for me again, and the anxiety I have over this is starting to get in the way of my basic day to day functioning, to the point where I've now made a GP appointment to talk about it.

A bit of backstory. Last property I owned was bought in 2004. It was bought in my sole name because my (now ex/divorced) wife didn't want to be on the mortgage. Can't really remember her reasons. Anyway, a couple of years later, she announced she wanted out of the whole thing and moved into her own place, leaving the kids who were 1 and 4 with me, and refusing to help with any of the bills or the mortgage. That scuppered my ability to work, and I eventually went bankrupt and handed the house keys back.

After that, we decided to get back together in a house she was renting, only for her to do the same thing all over again after a couple more years, and me and the kids had to move out. I then rented a house for me and the kids for a while, only for the owner to give us notice after 6 months because she wanted to move back in again.

Fast forward to today and I'm now 41, I have a new partner (who's amazing!) a 1 year old baby, and my older kids are now 11 and 14 and still spend more than half the week at home with us.

We both work stable jobs, and as a family we've been comfortably renting a 4 bed house for the last 3.5 years or so, while also saving like mad (although our savings have just been depleted a fair bit after a year's maternity leave).

But last week, we were again given notice on the house we're living in because the landlord wants to move back in. We've managed to find another 4 bed rental that is still reasonably close to the kids' schools, etc, and we still have the savings to comfortably cover any expenses. We move in about 4 weeks.

So... after the bankruptcy, the previous incidents of being forced to move house, and now this, I can't help thinking that we're going to suffer this again... and again... and again. I can't stop worrying about having to uproot the kids over and over. I want them to know that there'll be a permanent home (and a bedroom) for them whenever they go off to university. All I can focus on is that we need to buy somewhere fast - which means no-one will be able to come along and order us to move out.

As I said, on paper, our chances look good. My partner currently owns a flat that is let to tenants (it's not big enough for us to live in though, and isn't really close enough to schools and stuff). Our joint income is around £55k with potential to rise. We should have at least £15k savings again in about 12 months' time. My folks have also said they would gift us up to £30k towards a deposit any time we like. And the mortgage broker I spoke to last week seemed to think I'd cleared up my credit file enough to be able to get a mortgage offer from a high street lender.

So why my anxiety over property? And how the hell do I shift it? Will the GP help? Or do I really just need that kick up the !!!! I mentioned?

Has anyone else been here before? How'd you get past it?

betmunch

If the anxiety is about your ability to buy a home, then I think you have already spoken to the right person, and they have told you that you should be able to buy a place.


Now I am from the old school of "Pull yourself together" so I don't think I am really the right person to be talking to about anxiety though.


You are anxious about being able to buy a house, the expert has told you you should be able to buy one, you now go and buy one.


For me it really is that simple.


I hope this is a good enough kick up the proverbial.

dirty_magic

It sounds like you've been through a lot so it's completely understandable that you're anxious about it. It seems like the underlying worry that you could be left to deal with it on your own again could be taking control.

I think all of your reasons for wanting to buy again are good reasons and I think you should do it, but it might be helpful if the GP can get you some counselling to help you deal with it so you're not just worrying all the time.

AdrianC

Sounds as if your property ownership anxiety is more like relationship anxiety, tbh - both of the early examples you give were set in train by relationship failure, but one was ownership, the other rental. Yet you now flag it as an issue with ownership, and have been happy to rent up until now.

OK, so your tenancy is ending now through no fault of your own. That's renting. But you've had a fair spell there, and have built a good relationship there. So you now want stability... Remember, your previous bad ownership experience was actually a bad relationship experience. You've not been put off relationships as a result, have you?

cbma

AdrianC wrote: »

You've not been put off relationships as a result, have you?

No, not at all.

There's nothing I would change about my current relationship, but I can completely see what was wrong with my previous marriage.

I don't know. I often just think that at this age, I *should* really have a great house that offers stability for my family. I'm not even sure I know anyone else who with a family who rents (I also don't know anyone who's been through the kind of divorce I went through, either). But whenever I've had the stability of a family home in the past, whether via owning or renting, something has always happened which takes it away from us.

Despite being reassured otherwise, I now can't stop thinking that this is the way it's going to be (even though I know it's probably not), and I feel super guilty (again, completely unfounded) that I've not been able to provide that stability for the people around me. This also feeds the anxiety.

On top of that, the consequences of losing an owned property are much more severe than losing a rented one (I've been there), and that makes the feeling even worse.

I've just gotten myself into a funk about it, and it's difficult to explain properly.

AdrianC wrote: »

Yet you now flag it as an issue with ownership, and have been happy to rent up until now

I wouldn't say 'happy'. I've always had the nagging thought that we could be served notice at any time, given that we're living in someone else's house.

AdrianC wrote: »

your previous bad ownership experience was actually a bad relationship experience.

This actually makes a whole lot of sense, and I hadn't looked at it this way before. That one sentence has helped me a lot!

AdrianC

cbma wrote: »

On top of that, the consequences of losing an owned property are much more severe than losing a rented one (I've been there), and that makes the feeling even worse.

But it's far easier to lose a rented place through no fault of your own.

This actually makes a whole lot of sense, and I hadn't looked at it this way before. That one sentence has helped me a lot!

Glad to be of help!

cavework

Put the past in a box and bury it..
You are a fantastic Dad and now with the right partner.
Get out there and create the life you all deserve.
xxx

When_the_going_gets_tough

I don't think this is about houses it is about your past issues which have resurfaced. Maybe some counselling so you can put your past experienes to bed for good?