deleteme??

anonJ100

I'm suddenly not comfortable having this info on the internet so I have edited my original post. Thanks for any responses...how do I delete this dang thing????

DUTR

To be fair, many women want to depend on a man financially, so there are lot's that are allergic to dipping in their own purse or are unable to.
If your dad happens to pass before his 'wife' then if she has a dependency n him, then she has a claim against the estate.
That said they are company for each other right now, folk don't live their lives to leave lots for the children, hopefully by the time they pass the chicldren are already independant and doing well for themselves.

margaretclare

To some extent I can understand your concerns, that your Dad may be acting hastily without enough thought for the implications of his remarriage. You seem to be worried for him to begin with, and then you go on to the question of inheritance and what you describe as 'our' hard-won money/property etc.

In later life, as the song says 'I haven't got time/For the waiting game'. No time for a lengthy courtship, in other words. Seize the day.

DH and I got together when we were both 62. What option would you like for your Dad? Getting older, all alone, more and more lonely?

Others will no doubt have an input.

purdyoaten

Have no wish to comment on the personal aspects of this - still very raw for you all.

What I can tell you is that, if he has a will, it is invalidated upon his remarriage. From what you say you would not he happy at all if he were to die intestate. I believe that you need a frank discussion with him o outline your concerns, at least from the financial side of things.

LEJC

Whatever your father does has to be his decision,however hard that may seem to you he is I assume of sound mind and should be able to weigh up the consequences of his actions.


However I do understand exactly where you are at...it happened with my mother who remarried just a few months after my fathers death. (she was 70 he 72...she had been married to my father for 40plus years and he a divorced chap with very little to his name and only the clothes he stood up in!) The object of her affection was in our opinion not suitable but they did go on and ended up being married for 10 years until her death.
following her death he received a bequest from her will but it did not form a substantial part of the estate as per her wishes.
On marriage any pervious will will become void so it is important that should your father wish his estate to be divided amongst someone other than his wife ...he sets a provision for documenting a new will.


There are lots of other things to consider potentially along the lines of spousal pensions etc but again its his choice not yours.


One thing that did upset us as children of our mother was the automatic inclusion of the new partner as being termed next of kin...however once we spoke to mum about it she did make sure that for the purposes of emergencies we were always called or referred to first.
Its a very difficult time for you all...and no doubt it will be a steep learning curve for all,your father included,dont exclude him and over time you may be able to see the positives in the new relationship....not all fail and its fair to say life is not the same as before with the previous partner...but life moves on.

duchy

I'm not sure what you mean by "our family's hard earned money" Is your Dad's money part of a family business and the adult children are directors ?

If not then it is your Dad's money to do as he pleases.
He has no obligation to leave anything in his will to anyone (including a wife or children) if he is so minded .

Marriages of less than five years standing that end in divorce usually end up with both parties put back to the same position before the marriage.

Ultimately they are both adults -Maybe he's still on his best behaviour.....or maybe she brings out the better side of him.

In some ways you could be describing my fiance - I was good friends with his previous longtime partner and when she died after a long illness it was very hard on him.
I know I respond in an entirely different way to him when he gets "difficult" to the way she responded -and because of that the dynamic is entirely different in the whole relationship. Maybe it's the honeymoon period or maybe your Dad is different with her genuinely.

Statistically he is unlikely to outlive her and if he chooses whilst in sound mind to make a will leaving the majority or indeed all of his estate to her- There is nothing that can be done by you legally. If he doesn't make a will and dies after the marriage then a certain amount (£250K I think but I don't have time to check right now) goes to his wife and you'd only have an interest in anything over that.

If you are financially dependent on him you might have a claim - but not if you are independent of him and simply feel you are entitled to an inheritance.

Have you spoken to him about your concerns -about how you think the woman is after his money, that the marriage won't last and your concerns about your own inheritance ? He's the only one who can put your concerns to rest after all.

margaretclare

One thing that did upset us as children of our mother was the automatic inclusion of the new partner as being termed next of kin.

He wasn't only her 'new partner'. He was her spouse - they were legally wed!

DH and I both have adult descendants from earlier marriages, but nevertheless, we are each other's next of kin. Marriage comes first.

duchy

margaretclare wrote: »

He wasn't only her 'new partner'. He was her spouse - they were legally wed!

DH and I both have adult descendants from earlier marriages, but nevertheless, we are each other's next of kin. Marriage comes first.

We do too- If decisions needed to made I'd certainly consult my step children and we have a good relationship so I think they know they'd be heard but the final decision would be mine. (after we get married obviously)

fivetide

Presumably it is his house, not yours although you have an eye on it. I reckon if my parents leave me and my sisters anything, then that will be a nice windfall. I am not counting on it though as I would rather they spent it and had fun.


They have worked hard, they should enjoy it. I guess the only issue here is the speed at which it has happened.


That being the case, a chat about making sure he is 'financially independent' isn't perhaps a bad thing but I wouldn't go in talking about 'our money' as if I were him, I would tell you where to go.

LEJC

margaretclare wrote: »

He wasn't only her 'new partner'. He was her spouse - they were legally wed!

DH and I both have adult descendants from earlier marriages, but nevertheless, we are each other's next of kin. Marriage comes first.

i understand that....and thats fine if actually he would have wanted to be consulted about any care or emergency which could and did arise....most of the time he didnt want that resposibility and what happened was usually a protracted delay in getting decisions....so my mother happily took the obligation of him being the next of kin away from him and made sure it was documented that her children should be contacted.


Every marriage is different and as such I would not want to compare the marriage that my mother had with anyone elses suffice to say she got someone to talk to and provide companionship to her which is what she wanted
One of the main reasons she decided to marry rather than living with him was because she was from an age where "living in sin" was frowned upon...Had she been born a generation later I doubt very much if it would have been such an issue to her, but whilst it wasnt our major concern we had to respect that "being married" was important to her in the sense of her moral obligation rather than her thinking too much about the other aspects which would also follow with the marriage....she gained some things but she also lost some l financial benefits associated with our fathers pension etc...
I am glad that you have found someone you are happy with and wish you well,I cant imagine being without my husband but maybe one day that time will come and I could very much be in the situation of entering into a second marriage later in life


I guess its a fine line everyone tread in this type of situation....I certainly wasnt a saint but neither was I the devil...and in actual fact as they both entered their 80's and became much more frail and dependant,it was both I helped...there were times that my siblings and I felt we did far more in the day to day care of them both than his family who remained faceless to us.
Even when we were considering nursing home places his family wanted nothing to do with the process and quite often it was assumed by social workers and medical professionals that he was our dad purley based on what we did for him.


Many things can become blurred when you become part of a blended family and its not always harmonious....but its a case of trying to do your best.
As things progressed with us...yes we did grow to like the man...certainly not in the same way we did our father but we got on...he had family who we had never and to this day have never met ...once my mother died he returned to his hometown some miles away and transferred to a nursing home there,we were not even told by his family of his death until one of us stumbled on something some time later...but whatever happened is now in the past and even though we didnt really approve of the marriage I would like to think they at least bought some companionship to eachother in their twilight years.We always supported our mother and for her sake helped with her husband and his needs as much as we could....but the fact always remained that although she had a need for a husband we did not have the same feelings for him as a dad or stepdad or whatever term comes with marriage.

paddy's_mum

anonJ100 wrote: »

I wonder if we should be trying to protect ourselves in some way.


Really appreciate any advise.

Really? Truthfully?

Keep a smile on your face, be (at the very least) civil to the lady and do everything in your power to establish and keep a good relationship with both of them. Have you bothered to "protect yourselves in some way" by asking what will happen if you speak out of turn (as your father would no doubt see it) and create a monumental rift between him and yourselves? Do you reckon he would view including you favourably in a will if he sees that you have been treating him like an incompetent fool which, in turn, caused great distress and unhappiness for the affianced couple?

Let me tell you from my own experience that adult children who are unable to keep their jealousy, possessiveness and determination to inherit under control create a festering antagonism with the new wife that never properly heals. It may be years down the line but unless the lady is a saint, she will one day put her own needs and wishes far ahead of yours as she will believe that your desire to inherit figures far more highly on your list of priorities than her husband's happiness and indeed, your respect for his ability to conduct his own life as he sees fit.

I've been in her shoes and I resented like hell that my stepson cared more about how much money he might be 'losing' than for his father's loneliness and need for care and companionship.

Tread very, very carefully as if this all blows up in your face, he would probably choose her - the very fact that he is remarrying so soon after your mother's death indicates very clearly that he doesn't want to be alone. Be happy for him because the likely alternative is a rift within the family that will cause all of you pain.

Good luck.