time to admit they're old

maman

On a purely practical level, the loo question is sometimes as simple as failing eyesight (cataracts/not got your glasses on). I had elderly neighbours who were perfectly able to cook and clean but didn't notice that the bathroom needed a wipe around.


I'm sure a cleaner is the way to go.

Savvy_Sue

FWIW, not everyone will respond well to domestos / air freshener etc so either get what Mum used to use, or go with subtle rather than full-on.

singing_bird

I found the posts VERY interesting, and I was agreeing with the popping in suggestions etc. My husband and I are around the same age as the OPs, he being 80 and I am supposed to be around 74 and a half! I certainly don't think of myself as "old" although I suppose I am, and do everything for the two of us. We have children we see as much as their busy lives allow, and lots of texts and phone calls make up for the times we don't physically see them. My elderly sister passed away nearly four years ago and I felt a bit like the OP, I worried constantly about her as she was quite a bit older than I, and I feel I maybe irritated her by being a bit bossy (caused by my concern for her), and even now I regret the way I acted. I still miss her greatly.
It's not good getting old but I try to keep a sense of humour, and am thankful for every day.:)

Savvy_Sue

A word of warning, some years ago I offended my mother hugely by suggesting that she might like to get a de-clutterer in, even though she'd been talking about how long it took to sort things out and they were talking about moving. Dad wasn't at all well and didn't have much energy for that kind of thing. But I was, apparently, bullying her.

If she hadn't already got a cleaner at that stage, then any suggestion that they might need one would probably have led to a similar accusation.

Even WITH a cleaner, I still didn't use any of their crockery without giving it a quick rinse first, but I had to do it very discreetly. The thing was that quite a lot of their stuff was very rarely used, and I preferred to rinse my plate BEFORE discovering that my food was dusty.

So, tread carefully. I think if my lads suggested the loo wasn't as fresh as it might be, I'd tell them they knew what to do about it.

trailingspouse

Yes, that's totally the problem!! The domestos would be done discreetly (at least you can lock a loo door, and no-one needs to know what I get up to in there!!). As to the air freshener, I'm thinking of getting one of those with the wooden diffusers, so more of an ornament really - hopefully she'll be OK with that.

Does sense of smell fade as people get older, like eyesight or hearing? I can't believe she doesn't notice the smell, even if she can't see to clean.

I'll be seeing them again at the end of Jan (Dad's 79th birthday), so will go in with a more critical eye and see what they really are struggling with and what I can do to help.

kerri_gt

The diffuser (although not my fav thing) could be offered as a 'I got one of these for xmas and love it, so I bought you one too', also could you discreetly open the bathroom window for a little while after you've been in there? (Given the additional time to clean the loo, no one will question the window being open for a bit I'm sure)

You are the best judge of your parents character, but I wouldn't sneak about too much. Perhaps sit down with your mum and ask if there is anything she needs help with. Say that as you're 90mins away it's not always possible to pop over but that you wouldn't want her to be feeling a burden of anything (I'm sure you could word it better). Perhaps say you / friend / friends parents have a cleaner and how fab they are at doing all those grotty little chores that no one really likes?

margaretclare

I liked singingbird's response.

It was DH's 80th birthday on the 30th of last month. It's strange. I keep looking at those cards with the big 8 0 on them and I've been wondering 'how long have we got, how much longer shall we both still be here?'

I have NEVER been 'houseproud', keen on housework, in fact I've always hated it and can always find something more interesting to do. Apparently DH's Jewish granny had a saying that 'dust will be there after you've gone'. So why dust? Having said that, basic bathroom hygiene is essential and we do manage to keep the loo clean.

As regards being 'joined at the hip', yes we are. In fact a lady we know commented on that this morning after church. It was our turn to do the readings and she said it was so obvious that we do things together, the love between us shines out. Which is great and we regarded that as a huge compliment. Our 13th wedding anniversary comes up next week and we've been together since November 1997.

Memory - we don't have a problem. I'm doing a German course at adult college in preparation for our trip to Passau in June. I enjoyed speaking some German last summer in Switzerland but just want to take it a bit further. Learning isn't a problem.

Physically, not so great. DH has had endless problems with bones, joints, some problems that could be sorted out, some which are on-going, also his Type 2 diabetes since 1981 requires control. We've both had our cataracts done and vision is better than at any time in 60 years. I do get tired quickly.

No one will come around here and do anything for us. People live at the other end of the country. We could always get 'Molly Maids' or similar to come in and do a 'blitz'. Online banking and shopping have proved to be an absolute godsend for us. As long as you can shop online you needn't starve.

I think DH feels we shouldn't put things off, do them now. Yesterday we drove up the A1 to visit his friend and wife who've recently had twins. He wanted to do it straight away. Now the plan is to attend their christening, will be in the Greek Orthodox church in Cyprus, at Easter. We need to find out about flights etc. So there's a political conference in York in March, Cyprus in April and then Passau on the Danube in June. So it will cost money. So what? Shrouds have no pockets. Do it while we still can.

trailingspouse

margaretclare - this is exactly how my parents were until extremely recently.

They've had a long and very active retirement, have travelled the world, always done their own gardening, decorating, Mum makes her own bread, always cooks from scratch, Dad would never dream of taking the car to a car wash. And so on.

But I guess over time more and more things will be beyond them. Dad has already made the decision not to drive in the dark, although he's happy to drive in daylight and has no problem making the 90 minute journey over to us.

From reading the comments above, it looks like I'm going to have to use a mixture of discretion and honesty when it comes to dealing with what they can/can't do. That should be interesting!

margaretclare

trailingspouse wrote: »

margaretclare - this is exactly how my parents were until extremely recently.

They've had a long and very active retirement, have travelled the world, always done their own gardening, decorating, Mum makes her own bread, always cooks from scratch, Dad would never dream of taking the car to a car wash. And so on.

But I guess over time more and more things will be beyond them. Dad has already made the decision not to drive in the dark, although he's happy to drive in daylight and has no problem making the 90 minute journey over to us.

From reading the comments above, it looks like I'm going to have to use a mixture of discretion and honesty when it comes to dealing with what they can/can't do. That should be interesting!

Well, we do both still drive, in fact, driving is essential because walking is difficult. Car goes to car wash. Baking bread - well, I could do it, but DH says he would eat it too quickly. We both fight to control our weight - we're all too conscious of the extra problems that would come with piling the weight on, and we prefer not. A decade ago I weighed quite a lot more than I do now and I don't want to go back there. So, although I could make cakes, pies, scones, bread, I choose not to. DH needs to control his weight because of (a) bone/joint problems and (b) diabetes.

Gardening - we don't do it. A lady gardener keeps on top of it for us. Otherwise, the birds etc prefer it a bit wilder.

You said Dad drives - does Mum not?

When we're together DH always drives, because he can only get in the driver's side due to L leg not bending far enough to get in the passenger side. He drove to Newark and back yesterday, some 150 miles - cruise control on, all he's doing is sitting there steering. But he insists that I mustn't let my driving go because who knows, he might not always be able to. I don't mind driving at night, in fact, I have to when I go to German class in the evening.

wymondham

What an interesting thread.


We are in a similar position to most on here. My in-laws are 75/80 and have always been independent and 'loners' - preferring their own company.


MIL had a stroke 18 months ago which has left her weak down the left hand side and now has restrictive sight. My FIL now cares for her which has been stressful for him as I don't think he did much around the house before (from that generation).


To add complications they live in a rural village with no facilities which means they need to drive, and although he's never said (and never would), he's not a confident driver anymore... They also live an a completely inappropriate 5 bedroomed house with large gardens and have a large dog which needs exercise.


Basically, age has caught up with them and they are not prepared, even though they often mention their friends who have downsized and moved closer to family and say this is a good idea - for other people, never relating this to themselves!


We've repeatedly tried to encourage them to move nearer to us (we are 20 mins away) so we can take over the running of their house and care for them in discrete 'pop in' ways rather than visit to do stuff which is very obvious and not welcome.


Successes are limited to getting a cleaner in the house once a week and also a gardener now visits also..... major breakthroughs!


To add further complication my FIL now has an enlarged prostate which he's been aware for a couple of years but failure to do anything now means he's suffering a little with a catheter. He's awaiting an operation.


We've had several emergency calls regarding catheter problems and its pretty clear the direction things are going..


My question is this. How can we help them when:

• They don't see themselves in need of help
• See my wife still as the 'Daughter' figure
• FIL refuses to move (saying he will come out in a box)

I've tried writing to them to explain how we love them and want to help them but my wife just got a very awkward phone call refusing our offer and basically told to keep out.


I'm sure the time is fast approaching when one of them will have an accident or worse and we are just desperately trying to avoid this and make things easier for them.


Both of them are very unsteady on their feet and it is scary watching them on the large staircase in their house.


Everything has become overwhelming for them, with my FIL admitting he can't make decisions and only sees problems. Moving is too great a task to contemplate even though I suspect he can buy another house outright and move at leisure and we can assist financially also..


My FIL now also is beginning to forget where his money is and whereas he was quite IT literate a few years ago now struggles with this, which is probably partly the reason as he liked spreadsheets etc with all this on...


Impossible situation or common situation?? suggestions welcomed!!


How can we help without damaging our relationship?? How can you help people who don't seem to want to help themselves?