2015 Frugal Living Challenge

Wombatchops

I've managed to get myself into a frugal pickle. I have a very close friend who is getting married in November, and is having her hen do in October. My birthday is between Christmas and New Year, and I don't normally celebrate it, and my next one isn't a big one either, but it always gets forgotten, when everyone else manages to remember our other friends' birthdays.

Two weeks ago I sent a message out to my girlfriends asking if anyone wanted to go away for the day and night on Jan 3rd, the first Saturday of 2016. I wanted to get in early before people made plans. This was before I found out the details of my friend's hen do. However, this friend told some of our other friends that she will be upset if I cry poor for her hen do but then arrange a weekend away for my birthday. This ends up being what I have done.

Here's the thing. The hen do is one month after DD1's birthday and two months before Christmas. The minimum price for the do is £175. However, the price will go up anyway the more people cannot make it, plus factor in travel costs, food and drinks, and it will easily cost £250. Plus I will also have to pay for a wedding present. I have three kids, and not much income. So I've declined the invitation.

As for my birthday weekend away, because I will get birthday and Christmas money, January is the only time of year I can afford to do something like that. However, if it got anywhere near to costing three figures, I would drop the idea anyway, because I refuse to spend that much on a silly birthday, and I wouldn't dream of asking my friends to fork out that much.

I just think some of my friends have no perspective on why I always cry poor and can't afford things. I'm trying to be frugal to pay down my debts (a loan to replace our windows and doors because they were poorly fitted and unsafe, and our mortgage debt), because I have big plans once those debts are gone. But am I being a bad friend? I've already said no to the hen do, but didn't know how the bride-to-be felt. Should I also cancel any plans for my birthday? I'd rather do that than hurt my friend. What do people think?

Thanks for reading.

lobbyludd

I think that hen and stag do's have become an enormously expensive pressure to do what is seen to be "the right thing" when in fact, it's simply a money-making ruse for various industries. We had a spate of weddings (which are expensive enough for those getting married and their guests) with unbelievably expensive hen/stag weekends (and in one case week)!), to go to all of them would have cost thousands of pounds one year. Most people know a lot of people who get married at some points, to expect people to come to a hen/stag do, especially if they have to pay for it is very, very, selfish. Presumably you'll go to the wedding, which will be furtehr expense? unless it's a few drinks at a friends house, I don't go to hen/stag do's anymore - for a start I dislike the fact that for women, it usually has to include spa treatments, which are tedious and why should being "beautified" count as pampering for women, when men get to go shoot things/drive fast cars on theirs?

talk to her, explain you can't afford to go to both her wedding and her hen do and whilst you love her, you celebrating your birthday is a separate matter.... becuase it is.

however - again - I'd not be going for a weekend away for a friend's birthday either, especially so close after christmas (and my birthday is that week too, so I completely understand it being overlooked - I tend to have an unbirthday in June instead!)

Wombatchops

Hi lobbyludd, you are absolutely right. Asking people to come away for my birthday is selfish to start with. Factor in that it would be in January, which although is affordable for me due to getting money instead of presents, it is likely to be unaffordable for others, so it simply isn't on. Plus, how can I claim to want to be frugal and then go and do a thing like going away? When I suggested the idea I was feeling sorry for myself, plus I know loads of people who go away with friends for their birthday, and I just wanted to be one of those people for once. But I wasn't thinking of anyone else. So I'm going to pull the plug on the idea. I've felt guilty about it since suggesting it anyway, and if I feel the need to justify it, then I already know it's a bad idea. I just needed a dose of common sense.

As for hen dos, I didn't even have one, because I didn't want people to spend their money. But I get really annoyed at those who expect me to spend a small fortune for theirs. In the last six years, six of us have got married or are getting married, and apart from my best friend and I, who didn't have hen dos, theirs have all been a lot of money for not really much. Why can't they just have a party at their house? I know I'm being a hen do Grinch, but in my opinion it feels selfish.

And on that note, I'm going to stop being a miseryguts. I hope everyone else is having a lovely weekend x

cw18

My hen do was me and three friends/neighbours out for an Italian meal and then on to a night club - there was no way I (or anyone I knew) could have afforded more than that.

The only other I've been to was an A.Summers party at the bride-to-be's house one weekend (I bought nothing) and an evening out another weekend at a restaurant that had one sitting then turned into a night club of sorts for those who'd dined there. Again, I doubt many there would have considered spending more.

There's no way at all I'd ever have considered spending £200+ on a a hen do even when I had a healthy income. But it would have to be a very special birthday for a very special friend for me to have considered spending it for a birthday 'outing' as well. I went on a crafting retreat for my 40th (actually away Friday to Sunday, and my birthday was the Monday), but I booked a place as a single person and just met up with some people I knew from crafting forums and a load of new people.

[Deleted User]

cw18, I love the idea of a craft retreat but I agree I would go on my own and look forward to meeting others there.

I agree that Hen parties have become more and more expensive. The norm here seems to be time away either in the UK or, quite often, abroad. I have never attended any Hen do that was like this and have considered it quite selfish of people to expect others to attend when it costs so much money. I can totally understand what you have said you can't go wombatchops.

Your birthday is a separate issue but perhaps a meal out together would be enough.

Frugaldom

I have never been to a hen doo and never had one of my own - mainly because I'm not into anything like that but also because I see them as being complete waste of money when it involves those who can't afford it. I always felt the money would be better spent on helping any couple set up home together so they can start married life debt free. Last one I was invited to, I added the equivalent as cash gift for their wedding. On the other hand, if it's a group of people who enjoy a really good night out together on a regular basis, then ne final blow-out would probably be acceptable as, let's face it, once the marriage is underway and the family is on it's way, there's seldom a change for that sort of partying.

kb_soma

I have realised I have fallen off the wagon.

Step one: Leave that bank card at home (an age old trick that has stopped my spending).

I have been carrying it around with me.

I've been 'treating' myself and falling into old habits. This vs newer habits (not wasting money), has meant I have found some inner turmoil, and I appear to be beating myself up about it.

Bank card has officially been burning a hole in my pocket.

I'm around 2 weeks away from finally being debt free, but why do I seem to be sabotaging myself?

I left the bank card at home and I am feeling deprived (old habits are a horrible thing). I need to remember that when DFD comes along, to leave the bank card at home...

his_missus

Wombatchops, personally I think a good friend would understand the situation if you explained that you'll be funding your own birthday through Christmas/Birthday money received and that money will be tight around her hen-do/wedding especially being before Christmas.


I agree that Hen-Dos seem to have become OTT and expensive. Mine was a meal in a restaurant (girlfriends and female family members) then some of us went to a few pubs afterwards. It was one of the last nights we had out as a group as we all started to settle down after that...


Why not ask the girlfriends if they fancy an afternoon or evening out, rather than a night away, as you appreciate money may be tight for them in the New Year. Don't feel guilty about wanting to celebrate your birthday!


We're saving up for another holiday. People keep saying to us "Oh, you must be loaded, the amount of holidays you take!" but we're just frugal on a daily basis so we can enjoy holidays. Occasionally people will say, "So you can afford to go on holiday but you can't afford xxxx?" and actually, yes, we can't afford to do xxx and save at the same time. We've decided though what's important to us and people will just have to suck it up!


There's a guy at work always complaining he's skint, he can't afford holidays, blah, blah...yet he can afford to buy every gadget going, every games console, every new Xbox game, designer brands...

parsniphead

kb_soma wrote: »

I have realised I have fallen off the wagon.

Step one: Leave that bank card at home (an age old trick that has stopped my spending).

I have been carrying it around with me.

I've been 'treating' myself and falling into old habits. This vs newer habits (not wasting money), has meant I have found some inner turmoil, and I appear to be beating myself up about it.

Bank card has officially been burning a hole in my pocket.

I'm around 2 weeks away from finally being debt free, but why do I seem to be sabotaging myself?

I left the bank card at home and I am feeling deprived (old habits are a horrible thing). I need to remember that when DFD comes along, to leave the bank card at home...

I was a couple of months from being debt free last year and messed up. I don't know why, perhaps it's fear of the unknown, or just letting down the barriers.

Cards at home is the best thing. I hope you are debt free soon.

kb_soma

Thanks parsniphead. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm a bit scared of being debt free. I've had this debt for such a long time that it feels like a shadow, or an old friend. Stupid, I know. The thing I'm most worried about is wasting the money that I've managed 'without'. It's very silly and I think I need to have a good look at my finances before I even consider all the things I could have, that's what got me into trouble in the first place. Good luck with yours. Xx