Supporting partner through depression

WIN79

Bit of background. Been with OH for almost a year (known him for 12), both had a stressful start to the year with me separating with my husband and all that goes with that and him renovating his house and extra work he'd taken on. For a while now he's been forgetful, I've never met his family as he's never thought about it, he never wants to go out and has started to stop socialising apart from coming to my house. Ive been noticing the signs for a while as have seen it first hand with my dad and finally told him what I thought he was suffering from and instead of dismissing it he agreed. Now what? Has or is anyone else going through the same or similar at the moment. I am obviously showing my support and have asked if he would consider going to the doctor to talk and maybe get a course of CBT (I have had the same in the past) or see a counsellor etc. I just hope he doesn't try to brush it off now and what do I do, how do
I approach carefully if he does? We can't go on the way things are and I really want to help. Any advice welcome thanks.

ceh209

I was on the other end of this a few years ago, being the one with depression and a partner who didn't know how to cope. I'd say the mistakes he made were expecting me to be able to get help on my own, and quickly. He got frustrated that I took a long time to see a doctor, and then couldn't fully explain things to the doctor, so it took several trips before something actually got done.

I'd say always don't let him blame things on the depression too much - get him out of the house doing things, even if it's just helping you with the shopping say, just to get a bit of exercise. I would have done anything I could to stay on the sofa and watch crap telly, because it was 'safer' there.

Orlando_Virgin

I'm sorry to read this. Depression is a horrible thing, still very mis-understood and there certainly isn't any easy fix. I had an ex who had it for a number of years, and I must say in the end it played a big part in why we split up.

In truth, there is nothing you can do to "cure" it, but there are things you can do to help. Keep him as active as possible, get out in the car and do things as much as you can, try to stop him thinking so inwardly. If anything, you have to be pretty selfless and devote alot of your time to them, for little return.

I'm sorry if the tone of this post sounds a weary, just I know the effort levels and selflessness it takes to help somebody along with depression. Going to see a doctor with him and building a structure and active routine doing things that will make him happy are a good start.

I hope it gets better for you both soon.

welfayre

Hi sorry to read your OH is struggling with depression.

This might sound silly but an option could be to for you to ask him to join a gym or attend a exercise class with you.

The reason I suggest this is that I've seen it work wonders twice.


Firstly with my Mum, she has suffered severe depression for years and years. She was on all sorts of medication, which helped her but she was always prone to relapsing (going awol for day or two or drinking a lot every night for a week) and changing from a loving Mum into an ogre. She was also severely overweight (which probably didn't help). Anyway my Dad decided to join the local gym for his own health reasons and managed to persuade my Mum to go along to a class with him. She went and enjoyed it. She went again (just to the class) and enjoyed it again, so tried another class, liked that too and ended up joining.

She's now been going for around two years, has lost 7st and come completely off her medication. The transformations been incredible. Don't get me wrong, she says she still sometimes has bad days but I can't remember the last time she became "the ogre" and compared to what it was like 2 years ago it's like she's a new person.

The second time I've seen it work is with my wife. Like you I spotted the signs and when I discussed it with her she admitted it too (work had become incredibly stressful to the point she was in tears most nights and sometimes on the way in to the office) but she was dead against going to the GP as she didn't want to be on medication (she'd had a course previously and said it made her feel worse). So I went along to a few classes (spin, boxercise etc) with her (just to help her get over that initial fear of not knowing anyone) and then she started going herself. It's been about 4 months now and again it seems to have helped immensely. She says she's feeling really positive within herself too and work no longer gets to her as much as she's able to work out her tensions and stresses in the gym.


The added bonus is that you if your OH is opposed to getting help for himself then you can kind of dress it up as him helping you.

As I said I know it might sound silly (especially if you already go to a gym) but might be worth a crack if you don't and it's certainly helped two people close to me.

Hope things improve soon.

Artytarty

Hi, my daughter has been supporting her partner through this recently. His job was causing him enormous stress, sleepless nights and tearful episodes, shaking and general misery. He has seen a cbt counsellor for about six weeks now and is much better at coping with life and all that it throws at him.
You have my sympathy, it's hard on the partner of the sufferer too, I have had my daughter on the phone at all hours , worrying about him.
He was prescribed anti depressants but didn't take them. I am not saying that as a sign of strength, many times we wished he would, if they were going to make him better but he's done it his way, and so far so good.
Ps. Young man, late twenties, very stressful career .
He was already exercising a lot and still does but it didn't help his mood except at a very temporary level.

WIN79

Thank you for your replies and yes he is only 30 and has a great job and wonderful future, its just this horrible depression that is putting a downer on it. He is sensitive and takes things to heart but then he over thinks everything and i think this maybe where the problem has started to spiral out of control. I will be seeing him tonight and hope to at least touch on the seeking help part. I wont badger him as i think he deserves a decent nights sleep if possible. He tosses and turns and i also think this is a reason we only spend two nights a week together as I know, when you cant sleep you like being at your own house so you can go get a drink, stare out the window etc and i reckon he feels he's disturbing me. Thank you for your kind words and advice, it really is appreciated.

Chaserofdreams

Hi
I too am supporting a partner with depression. We've been married 25 years plus and have 2 adult children. This year has been one of many ups and downs! More downs for him, more ups for me.
He has serious knee problems and as an active person this makes him very low, coupled with the fact that his employers have been dreadful to him throughout (his was a stressful position) he's just about keeping his head above water.
I find it very difficult to keep him feeling positive, taking one day at a time. I'm working full time and leaving to his own devices all day long is hard. Each day we talk about the little things he can do each day, recovering from an op which may or may not sort the problem out is the priority but he gets so fed up! I never know what I'm going home to but I stick a smile on, listen and then we try to find a way to move forward.
I love him dearly, he has stood beside me through thick and thin and now its my turn to be strong but some days........:mad::mad::mad:

Mistral001

Firstly, if you plan to help this person, you need to make sure that you are in the position to give that help as it can be a big commitment. Depressed people do not function as well as people who do not have the condition. They are incapacitated to a certain amount.


If you decide to put in the time, money, days off work etc to help the first thing to do is to make sure you look after yourself. That is what most mental health professionals tell carers for people with a mental illnesses. In effect that is what you will become. It can be very rewarding, to become a part time carer, of course, but also very draining on ocassiions.
I speak as someone who is a sufferer of depression who has largely coped with it alone with some help from the NHS and family but I also speak as someone who has had experience of caring for someone with a mental health problem as well.

Lara44

Of course help him to feel better and be supportive, but draw a line somewhere. He is an adult and you cannot resolve this for him. His happiness is his responsibility.

Make sure to go out and enjoy things with your friends regardless if he wants to join in. Don't let yourself also get isolated from life's pleasures. Having a well balanced and fulfilled partner is a really good thing. You can lead by example and mirror a happy and dynamic life to aspire to.

I don't think depression is contagious, but certainly negative thoughts and feelings can be. I found this book very helpful when in a similar situation: How you can survive when they're depressed. My partner is now well recovered after a year of not feeling great.

rpc

My wife suffers from depression, although she is now coming off the drugs (but with a pause over winter because she is prone to SAD). There's more to it than drugs, of course, but they are often a major part of treatment.

It is hard and I have written about that before on here. Her depression got quite bad - it took a long time to find a drug regime that helped her. Not just being down, but self harm and so on.

It is lonely, you do have to remember to look after yourself otherwise it will consume you too. I also suggest being fairly blunt. Don't try to skirt around it or cover it up, be clear about what's going on.

In my wife's case, and this doesn't seem unusual, she was persuaded that there wasn't anything the doctor could do and she didn't want to waste their time and it wasn't worth the bother. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but because she saw the world through depressed eyes she didn't recognise that. Particularly early on, it was almost like I took control sometimes just to start the process of treatment and recovery.

It isn't easy, but it sounds like your OH's depression (if that is what it is) might be early or mild so I suggest trying to deal with it now before you risk it getting worse.

Remember that other conditions can have similar symptoms. Stress could cause most of what you describe too. Either way, getting better starts with going to his GP.