estranged family ,and planning funeral

Old_Git

my sibling and I are estranged .We do have contact via email when necessary .Due to recent events I would prefer not to have my sibling at my funeral .
I am 53 and in good health but this is something I wish to deal with when I can .
Can I make any provision to keep my siblings away from my funeral.
Can I also insist on a cremation and not being buried in the family plot .My brother and nephew are both executors of my will ,but my siblings are to receive nothing from my will .

Crabapple

Do you have any closer family, or indeed friends, who could act as Executors instead and organise your funeral?

I'm not quite sure from your post whether you have more than one brother and the Executor is not the same person you want not to be at your funeral.

You could ask that your brother not be told, but I don't see how you can be sure he doesn't attend unless you ask for bouncers to be hired!

Why not arrange your funeral now and pre-pay it so all the plans for cremation and where your ashes are to be interred/scattered are made. That means that no-one else needs to make decisions later about what you might have wanted.

dzug1

Old_Git wrote: »

my sibling and I are estranged .We do have contact via email when necessary .Due to recent events I would prefer not to have my sibling at my funeral .
I am 53 and in good health but this is something I wish to deal with when I can .
Can I make any provision to keep my siblings away from my funeral.
Can I also insist on a cremation and not being buried in the family plot .My brother and nephew are both executors of my will ,but my siblings are to receive nothing from my will .

Other than asking that they are not told (not foolproof), no. But given the circumstances would they want to come anyway?


You can specify your wishes in your will and verbally beforehand but if your executors ignore them there is no comeback. Even a funeral plan is not a cast iron guarantee if whoever arranges the funeral is unaware of its existence

Ziggazee

Other than stating your wishes in writing beforehand......on a practical note how do you plan on stopping people attending your funeral? I know that may sound harsh, but thing about it......apart from hiring bouncers to keep specific people out there is very little else that can be done.

TBagpuss

As others have said, you can't stop people attending the funeral.

What you can do:
- chose executors who you like and trust. If your brother s one of the siblings from whom you are estranged, update you will and pick a different executor.
- make sure that your executors, and whoever is most likely to be involved in things immediately following your death (e.g. partner, close personal friends, relatives you do spend time with) know where your will is stored, who your executors are, and what your wishes are in terms of funeral arrangements.
- have a separate letter setting out your preferences in terms of funeral/cremation wishes. Keep a copy with your will, give copies to your executors and keep a copy at home somewhere obvious and likely to be found after you death. Let close friends/family know you have made plans and where the letter can be found.

Although you can include wishes for funeral arrangments in your will these are not binding and in any event, the will is often not looked at until after the funeral (particularly if the executors are not also your immediate family (partner or children), which is one of the reasons why it is sensible to have a separate letter and make sure people know what and where it is.

Depending on your reasons for not wanting your siblings at the funeral, it would be sensible to include that information in the letter - for instance, if you eel that they would disrupt the service or be unpleasant to other mourners, say so - that way, whoever is making the arrangement can make an informed decision. (If I were responsible for arranging a funeral, I would probably do things differently depending on whether I had concerns someone was likely to actively disrupt a service, or whether the deceased was simply not on good terms with them. In the former case, i would take active steps to try to prevent them learning about the funeral arrangements, in the latter, I would not actively seek them out to tell them, but would not try to prevent them finding out, or prevent them from attending (unless the deceased's closest family/friends felt strongly about the issue.

To make life easier for your executors, it is also sensible to include notes kept with you will setting out clearly that you chose not to leave anything to your siblings due to your relationship with them - it makes it much harder for anyone to claim you simply forgot them, or that you were influenced against them by those who do inherit.

SailorSam

What makes you think you're brother would want to go to your funeral. The way you write it sounds as if you wouldn't want to go to his so he probably feels exactly the same.

Errata

Old_Git wrote: »

my sibling and I are estranged .We do have contact via email when necessary .Due to recent events I would prefer not to have my sibling at my funeral .
I am 53 and in good health but this is something I wish to deal with when I can .
Can I make any provision to keep my siblings away from my funeral.
No
Can I also insist on a cremation and not being buried in the family plot .My brother and nephew are both executors of my will ,but my siblings are to receive nothing from my will . No

The choice of burial or cremation lies with those who take responsibility for the disposal of the remains.

BobQ

Having an executor and arranging a funeral are separate things, apart from the fact that your executor must settle the funeral account so has to agree to the costs even if the executor asks them to arrange it. (Unless someone else pays for your funeral or you pre-pay it).

You need to consider how people find out you have died. You cannot entirely control this (eg if you had a fatal accident and it was reported in the press) but you can leave instructions. For example, there is a scheme run by The Lions International a "message in a bottle". You fill out a form with who to contact details etc, pop it in a plastic bottle and put in your fridge. You then put a sticker on the door. The emergency services will look for this bottle, which you can also use to record medical allergies etc. My point is that if you take steps to ensure someone you trust is told first, you can give them instructions as to what you want them to do.

But even then, you cannot stop that person telling your brother. Although a non-family member you ask to be informed is more likely to stick with your wishes than a family member. You could leave a letter with the person, addressed to other family members explaining that it is your dying wish that your brother not attend and not be told.

AMILLIONDOLLARS

If you can't control their behavior whilst you're alive, you have no hope of doing it when you have past. It would say a lot that they would take the time and trouble putting all blame and differences aside and pay you their respect. Actions speaks louder than words!

A very good quote may sum up this situation:

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with
another, and regardless of how much you blame them, it will not change
you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you
are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or
frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about
something by blaming them, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy. ”
― Wayne W. Dyer

AMD