Can men & women just be friends?

jorainbow

I have recently started dating a man I work with though am now backing off due to concerns with another co-worker. Initially I (and all new starters) thought they were an item but have been assured not they are just friends. However I am not sure the relationship is healthy or that she will be happy if she finds out. She is very un happily married and he only moved to the UK 5 years ago (from Romania) and only has work friends. My concern were crystallised when we had arranged to go shopping as are going out next week to a dinner dance. He said he couldn't as he had to see his son which was not a problem but he met this woman instead to go to the shops and visit a friend. I wouldn't have minded at all had he said he already had arrangements but I'm left feeling annoyed and a little hurt bearing in mind the night before he admitted he was falling for me. On reflection they text a lot more than we do and I just wonder what's going on really. She is a very heavy drinker and spends a lot of time !!!!!ing and moaning at work - it's fairly clear she is very unhappy with her lot - I avoid her if possible! He is a very caring person and they have been friends a while but I am not prepared to be side-lined - I do wonder if he is scared of telling her and that's sad for him even if its not me he is dating. His reaction about the fact I know about this deceit is to be silent which is fine - his loss!! Does this smack of an affair or are they just very co-dependent due to their circumstances? Just interested in opinions (I like a good debate!!)

Alikay

I have no idea what his feelings for this woman are, nor his motives for deceiving you. However the facts are that he did lie to you, seems reluctant to come clean with her about dating you and it looks likely to cause workplace problems if you continue seeing each other, which would be sufficient reason for me to nip the relationship in the bud before I got any deeper into it.

Carl31

I've always had lots of female friends, more than men on occasions, which sadly many found difficult to accept, and lead to accusations of being gay, or accusations of either party wanting more from the friendship, which really wasn't true

I think it's incredibly sad that many people don't believe men and women can be friends, we are just people after all.

ask yourself if you would have had a problem if he had met a male friend, if not, then do you think it's fair to judge someone you don't know and not trust them?

jorainbow

Thanks for comments ! I didn't have a problem with him meeting this friend at all- I had a problem with being lied to about it! I have male friends, a couple of whom he has met, but I wouldn't spend time texting them whilst I was with him or lie to him about meeting them. That just shows a lack of respect. I have a friend who met her partner in the workplace and they just saw each other outside work for a few months then let the relationship become public. I didn't expect him to tell her at this early stage or anyone else for that matter - we don't work in the same area so can avoid each other all day if needs be. It just seems to be a very odd set up!

Pollycat

Alikay wrote: »

I have no idea what his feelings for this woman are, nor his motives for deceiving you. However the facts are that he did lie to you, seems reluctant to come clean with her about dating you and it looks likely to cause workplace problems if you continue seeing each other, which would be sufficient reason for me to nip the relationship in the bud before I got any deeper into it.

I can't argue with anything that Alikay says above (and would thank her post more than once if possible ).

He lied to you.

Ask yourself why he would do that.

Then ask him why he felt it necessary to lie to you.

TBH, all this relationship stuff at work sounds like a potential can of worms.
Why don't you all knuckle down and do what you're being paid to do?

jorainbow

I'm 45 not a daft teen and don't even work in the same area as him so please rest assured my work isn't affected!!! I'll ensure I thank Alikay accordingly and yes I will be asking him why he felt the need to lie. and that'll be that because you are right - it is not going to be straightforward due to this friendship and he has made it clear in his actions that that comes first

JoW123

In answer to your original question, yes men and women can be just friends. However, that isn't really the issue here as he has lied to you about meeting her which would ring huge alarm bells for me!

FBaby

As JOW123 said!
Of course friendship between different genders can exist but there is clearly much more to it in this situation.

Sounds like she would want more with him, he doesn't, but something is holding him back from telling her how things are. Maybe something happened and she is holding it against him. Or maybe he is a bit weak emotionally and can't tell people anything that will make them sad.

Definitely time to put the cards on the table if you want to take things further.

bagpussbear

I think you are right to back off. Regardless of whether there is anything more than friendship going on here, he basically lied to you about where he was going.

And this was the day before he said he had feelings for you too. This doesn't bode well. You've found out the guy is a liar before the relationship has even started.

In answer to your question, yes men and women can just be friends, but I don't think really that's the crux of the matter here.

In your shoes, I'd be finding another date for your dinner dance!

Pollycat

I think the title of this thread is a bit of a misnomer.

It's not a case of whether men and woman can be just friends (I believe they can be just friends).
In this situation, the guy has told the OP that he and this woman are not an item but other people (including the OP) thought they were.
From what the OP says, this woman either thinks they are more than just friends or wants them to be more than just friends.

That is where the issue lies.

And talking of 'lies' , the fact that he lied would have put me off this guy - unless he has a very good explanation of why he lied.
And, TBH, I can't think of any explanation that would be good enough for me in this situation.

custardy

jorainbow wrote: »

I'm 45 not a daft teen and don't even work in the same area as him so please rest assured my work isn't affected!!! I'll ensure I thank Alikay accordingly and yes I will be asking him why he felt the need to lie. and that'll be that because you are right - it is not going to be straightforward due to this friendship and he has made it clear in his actions that that comes first

well at 45. Why are you asking this type of question on a forum?
You have enough years under your belt to decide for yourself.