Can't get over my ex.

OnlyConfused

Hi,

Created this user account as I am easily identifiable on my other, so for personal reasons I want to keep this as anonymous as possible.

I will also keep it as basic as possible.

Basically, I cannot get over my ex. I knew her via. MySpace for 6 years prior to becoming emotionally involved. I should probably mention she is Russian and still lives there. Whilst the relationship was nearly two years, being emotionally involved was probably closer to a year longer, so make that 3 years.

It was a long shot to get it to work, but we used to Skype all the time, met up here, and abroad for our holidays. We were fantastic together. I'd never been happier and felt she was it, the one. I somewhat still do.

We broke up last May, just shy of our two years. We haven't spoken for over a year now, probably 13 months. The reason it broke down was because she was finishing Uni and looking for work and I felt I was losing her as I got to speak to her for maybe half an hour, or an hour on a weekend. Even during her busiest Uni times she used to make time, now it was a case that for months on end, we couldn't even have a conversation. I'm a pretty insecure guy, so this didn't help me mentally, I got paranoid, moody and frustrated. This really messed me up, she got angry at it all, she couldn't see how she was hurting me and found it acceptable to go weeks without a proper conversation - maybe I was in the wrong? We had plans to move etc etc in a few years after getting money together etc, it was quite serious.

I tried to move on quickly, and I'm in another relationship - I love her, yes, but I don't seem as fulfilled as I was prior, and it does affect aspects of the relationships, nothing serious, but I do feel bad about it.

Problem is, everything I do comes down to "I wonder what it'd be like with her" or "this reminds me of her". Went on Holiday and kept wondering what it'd be like with her.

I unfortunately broke this morning and sent the ex a message, I did request her not to email back however - I just wanted to apologise for my actions and wish her well - something that was never done a year ago. Another problem is half my dreams still come down to her being in them - mostly I wake up feeling rejection, and guilt. I can often spend hours just thinking back to our past relationship.

I was just hoping to gather any advice on how best to deal with it and ease her out of my mind. I've been through it once before, I get very sentimental and latch on to those memories too long, but it was nothing like this, I just can't see an end to it.

Any advice appreciated.

OC

fairy_lights

Does your new girlfriend know that you are still thinking about the ex so much? I imagine she would be very upset to know that whenever you're with her on holiday etc, you're mentally there with your ex.

Claire_A87

OnlyConfused wrote: »

I tried to move on quickly, and I'm in another relationship - I love her, yes, but I don't seem as fulfilled as I was prior, and it does affect aspects of the relationships, nothing serious, but I do feel bad about it.

I'm sorry, but you're being incredibly unfair to your current partner. What are they? A back up plan because you can't get back with your ex? You say your dreams still include a woman you split up with last year, how on earth do you reconcile that with being with someone else who probably thinks you're fully committed?

It sounds like you probably should hear back from your ex, even if it's just for her to say she's completely over you and has a new life for herself, or even that she's single but just not interested in getting back together. Then you can move on without all the 'what if?'s. In the meantime though, you really shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone, it's incredibly cruel on them.

hazyjo

I think you need to remove your rose-tinted glasses. The reasons she gave for no longer being in contact so much don't really seem to fit with her actions. Could there have been someone else?


It's tough, but you have to face facts. Love goes two ways. If not, it's unrequited love. If it does not go too ways, it will never work out - and, trust me, means there's someone better out there for you.


The only way you can move on is to not contact this girl. Delete her numbers, etc. No more emailing. Whatever you do now will be seen as irritating and hassle. If she felt the same, she'd be in touch or have replied positively.


As you say, a lot of your thoughts are 'wondering...'. So you don't even know. You're bigging this girl up in your head. Time to move back into the real world and be fair to your current GF.


Jx

OnlyConfused

Believe me, I know it's unfair on my current partner. She knows in a way, I've floated it in to discussions a few times, I don't quite think she really understands the extent though. But she also knows I wouldn't abandon her for someone effectively in my past. I was naive in thinking that dating so soon after the breakup would help me realise there are more great people out there - I just didn't count on it taking the form of a relationship so quickly... and don't get me wrong, she is great, and we suit each other very well, support each other etc...

I've had ex's ditch me, who were on day exclaiming their love for me, leave me, and literally a few days later shacking up with a new guy. I thought if that works for other people, why not for me?

I also don't want to get back together with my ex, regardless of how happy she made me, she made it clear that it was over and that was the end, my regret was the way it ended. The intention of messaging her was to get things that weren't said out there, because ultimately, I did hurt her. There is no ulterior motive to me messaging her other than I want rid of the existing feelings and at this point I'd try anything to aid that process.

I understand I will be slated for the above, as has been done already, but I do love my current partner and don't intend to leave her.

thorsoak

Kingslayer - is it you?

OnlyConfused

Cheers, I've replied below.

hazyjo wrote: »

I think you need to remove your rose-tinted glasses. The reasons she gave for no longer being in contact so much don't really seem to fit with her actions. Could there have been someone else?

From what I was told time and time again, no - this was one of my theories and to be honest she could have been lying.


It's tough, but you have to face facts. Love goes two ways. If not, it's unrequited love. If it does not go too ways, it will never work out - and, trust me, means there's someone better out there for you.

I understand this.

The only way you can move on is to not contact this girl. Delete her numbers, etc. No more emailing. Whatever you do now will be seen as irritating and hassle. If she felt the same, she'd be in touch or have replied positively.

I'll be honest, today was the first time in over a year - I have her blocked on Facebook and pretty much everything. I just know her email address as Hotmail refuses to get rid of it, bit a moment of madness to email I think.

As you say, a lot of your thoughts are 'wondering...'. So you don't even know. You're bigging this girl up in your head. Time to move back into the real world and be fair to your current GF.

Agreed. This is what I'm trying to achieve.

Jx

OnlyConfused

thorsoak wrote: »

Kingslayer - is it you?

Nope. I post here, but not a great deal - however my username is easily identifiable with people I know.

Claire_A87

OnlyConfused wrote: »

I understand I will be slated for the above, as has been done already, but I do love my current partner and don't intend to leave her.

My intention wasn't to slate you, but perhaps to let you hear back what you've just typed, and how shocking that sounds on your current partner. Sometimes things don't seem clear until it's on the page in front of you, and to be honest in your original post you sounded a little blase (won't do the accent!) about how unfair this all is on your current partner.

You say you don't intend to leave her, and that's encouraging (ish), but you also say she doesn't understand the true extent of your feelings; you owe it to her to tell her, and then it's her that should decide whether she has any intentions of leaving you. You need to sit her down and be (tactfully) honest about what's going through your head, and at least then you're both on the same page.

In regards to all these feelings you have, it could be a bit extreme but have you considered CBT to talk through what it is you can't get over? You may find it's more to do with you than your ex, and can be worked through with a bit of time.

fivetide

Sounds like someone has a perfect image of someone having never had to put up with their illnesses, bad moods, leaving clothes on the floor, terrible days at work etc etc.


You like a fantasy, not the reality. Remember that.

System

I understand I will be slated for the above, as has been done already, but I do love my current partner and don't intend to leave her.

Then there wasn't much point in emailing her again, if the girl was in love with you then you need to let her grieve for what she had and lost. Don't stir her feelings up again just because you want to justify why you left her. No doubt you've told her all that already.