43 year old turning 16 and going backwards but no friend!

raindropsy

Hello,
I have seen and read lots of threads about people's problems etc..
I am venting my own frustrations and hoping for some useful comments.
H
Where do I find people like me?? Who like to go out for walks, skiing, cycling and just be free and happy , you can text them and meet up and just be? . Does it still exist without making appointments?

Hermia

raindropsy wrote: »

Where do I find people like me?? Who like to go out for walks, skiing, cycling and just be free and happy , you can text them and meet up and just be? . Does it still exist without making appointments?

I think that sort of spontaneous meeting up does get harder as you get older. I used to do it in my early 20s, but now everyone has jobs, kids and other responsibilities you do need to plan things in advance if you want to meet up. I don't know anyone who could just drop everything and go out whenever a friend texts them. I suggest you just keep joining groups and try asking anyone you get on with out for coffee.

meritaten

oh dear - your life sounds awful tbh. a marriage which is no marriage of minds, three teens who sound as if they ignore you except as 'housekeeper' and a husband who thinks you are boring, off your head and mental all at the same time!

But, it does sound as if you have a great deal of 'freedom'. you can essentially do as you like as long as it doesn't register on the family 'radar' and impact on their comfort.
Use that freedom hunny - you are comfortable online, so use it to find 'like-minded' people. they will be out there. it seems to be harder today to make friends in 'real life' than it has ever been - people are becoming very insular - so perhaps you need to make contact on line first?
Good luck. I hope you find some friends who will help you feel better about being 'here'.

raindropsy

Thanks for replies.
I am really looking for a real face to face sort of time. I have tried on line things, but it seems that everyone wants just the obvious, which is not what I want.
I will be joining more clubs then and wait, that's the thing I want things quicker then they com. I still have time left in my day as I am insomniac so son't sleep, but I think there is only so much time you should dedicate to work.
Unfortunately there is not many people from my country in here and if they were they would want somebody who has kids similar age so they can maintain the language. Which is fine, but mine are older, I have tried that too.
Thank you

lostinrates

raindropsy wrote: »

Unfortunately there is not many people from my country in here and if they were they would want somebody who has kids similar age so they can maintain the language. Which is fine, but mine are older, I have tried that too.
Thank you

And nor should you have to look to your own country for other immigrants as one poster implied . While its nice to have contact with people to share things with you should not feel isolated culturally


Lots here have found success though meetup, meeting people through organised things, making friends that way. Would that be something you would consider?

gettingtheresometime

I don't mean to be horrible but don't come across as 'needy' - that would put me right off a person.

As Hermia has said many people can't just drop everything and meet up for a coffee.

If you have plenty of free time have you thought about volunteering?

Ettenna

How about finding a Meet Up group in your area? They are groups of like minded people looking for social events. There are walking groups, general social groups, dining, dancing and just about any type of group you can think of.

justme111

You may want to explore why you can not form bonds with people you meet through work /study/ activities. How long have you partook in those for . Were there any interesting to you.people around. How did the interaction go. Have you met interesting people from your fellow migration group. Why nobody of them interested in you if it was not for language for children .
Another observation - you said online they are after only.one thing. We were not talking about dating sites , just communities like this one for.example.

And of course the biggest handicap is your family. That's where most people get their rewards , communication and closeness from. You trying to fill that massive hole without extended family around and on top of it with cultural differences is next to impossible

InsideInsurance

Out of curiosity, where are you originally from?

Mrs InsideInsurance would probably echo a fair amount of what you have said about life outside of the family home - I'd hope she'd say our situation inside the home is different.

I don't know about you but when she does "go home" to visit friends and family she finds that isnt the same country that she left 12 years ago either. Whilst people are more spontaneous and she has some of her long term friends to chat to even they have changed from her rose tinted memories.

Unfortunately I dont have solutions to give you. I imagine that culturally we are different and generally are more insular than others. We are more competitive, certainly than from where the Mrs is from, and a lot of silly one man upship goes on about things that dont matter in life. Ironically the best british born and bred friend my wife has made is an ex-colleague who equally doesnt get on with middle aged white british women.

Meetup, volunteering etc can all help you not be bored but there is no promise of finding close friends. I think you need to resolve your family situation which is the core of the issue. I'd hope that if you were feeling loved, appreciated etc at home then the slightly colder outside climate wouldnt feel as bad.

Caroline_a

I've got three teenagers who are left to their own devises. I staid home for about 14 years to bring them up properly, but have given up a few years ago

I'm sorry to sound hard, but I find this appalling. You've 'given up' with your kids because your husband doesn't back you up? Poor kids, a father who can't be bothered, a mother who can't either and two parents who seem to actively dislike each other.

What sort of a life is it for them? You may like your paid job, but looking after your kids and guiding them is your main job until they are old enough and mature enough to leave home and run their own lives. Your post sounds like it's only about you - most mums have to give up a lot of their social lives when they have kids, and for most people it never comes back, or it changes and becomes different.

You speak about your old country - but you are living in the past - that place, those people as they were don't exist any more. I have a friend who has stayed at home for 18 years with her daughter. Her sole topic of conversation (when she's not talking about the Golden Child) is her life as a teenager. She's 53. She tries to 'follow' the kids about and be 'one of the gang' but she's only making a fool of herself. Now she wants a divorce, and I fear she is going to end up lonely and sad.

You also speak about acting silly - most people over the age of 5 would be embarrassed by this. This may be why other people move away from being your friend. Nothing wrong with having a giggle with an old friend at all, but you don't seem to understand where the line should be drawn. Maybe when you join different groups sit and watch for a while, don't leap in and be the 16 year old you still think you might be. By watching other people's behaviour you will get a guide as to how you are expected to behave if you want to fit in. It might not necessarily be a group for you - but at least you will have given it a try.

raindropsy

Thank you all for your valid points. There is food for thought, I shall be trying a bit harder.