Will it get better ( long post sorry)

shariatlanta

I recently left my partner of 37yrs, it wasn't a decision I made lightly but the result of being unhappy for a long time.

A bit of background, we were married for 12yrs then divorced due to his alcoholism, we were apart for 4yrs then got back together when he finally stopped drinking. Things were good for about 10yrs but it started to gradually go downhill, he was never one to socialise much but I understood, however he still came out for family meals, (we have 5 adult children), we went on holiday or out for days.

In 2008 he suffered a heart attack and since then he seems to have lost all interest in everything. We haven't had a physical relationship since then, at first I understood that maybe he was scared but nothing ever got any better.

I tried many times to talk to him and he always promised it would change but never did anything about the situation. He doesn't want to go out, I suggested going on holiday and as he's afraid of flying I suggested we go by train to france just for a day, his response was he has no need to go abroad but never suggested anything else. Even something as simple as going to a boot sale was met with a no. All he does is go to work then come home and play his computer game.

We would sit in separate rooms in the evening and go to bed at different times. Two years ago I went to stay with a friend for a few days to try and work things in my head and when I returned we had a long discussion on what needed to happen, he told me he still loved me and wanted us to stay together, I offered to go to the doctors with him to sort out the physical problem.
Two months later nothing had changed so I mentioned it again and he told me he wasn't bothered.

Finally two weeks ago I told him I was leaving, his response was to say ' well if I could have done anything to change things I would have done'. I went to see my 3 daughters the next day and while they were upset they seem to have accepted it. My eldest son was away for the weekend but his dad told him and then I went to see him myself with his father present as he still lives at home.

Unfortunately my eldest daughter decided to tell my younger son and he hasn't spoken to me since. I've received a text message to say he's seen his dad and got his version and what he's been told by the girls but he doesn't want to hear my side which I do find hurtful.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, I've walked away from my home and everything in it, I'm sleeping on people's sofas or spare beds until I find somewhere permanent to live, quite frankly I feel like the wicked witch of the east, I don't expect my kids to take sides but it would be nice to be asked if I'm ok. I don't regret the choice I've made, I don't love him any more, there's only so many times you can keep trying before the love dies, I didn't even want him to ask me to stay I know it won't change but how long before the low days stop.

TrickyWicky

Don't be hard on yourself, you've done the right thing. Being in an unhappy relationship isn't nice and you only live once - you should be allowed to enjoy it.

If your ex hubby is unwilling to do anything to change then you are right to leave. There is little point staying with him for him to make you feel worthless and depressed.

Kids.. well they will see it however it suits them. What is important is that you move on with your life. When they one day find themselves in the same situation they will suddenly realise why you did what you did.. although i know that doesn't help you out now.

If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about them, just accept that you've done your best, your ex hubby isn't bothered about saving the relationship and move on with your life. Find someone else and enjoy life again.

If it helps, my neighbour is in a similar position to you, he's a late 50 something man with an old nag for a wife. There is nothing physical between them other than her demands for assistance with the housework - she actually thinks more of a tidy home than she does her own husband. He openly admits to me he's not in a happy relationship and she insults him frequently. Why should anyone have to live life like that? - everyone wants to be liked / loved by someone and if it isn't there then there is little point continuing.

FBaby

You've tried and tried, don't get guilt hold you up. Your husband clearly has issues that he is struggling with himself and your son felt sorry for him. In a way, it is a good thing that your son is giving him his support.

It is all very new and everyone will need time to adjust. Your son is probably hurt for his dad, but as his dad settles in his new life, he will turn around and be able to see why it wasn't sustainable for you to remain in the marriage. Just give him time and don't take it personally.
Divorce is a very stressful event usually on both sides.