giving of birthday and xmas gifts between friends when family dynamics change

Flat_Eric

A good friend of mine had a new addition to the family last year which means that on occasions like birthdays and Christmas, she doesn't have the funds now to reciprocate gifts.

This doesn't bother me, I've tried to stress I am perfectly happy receiving no gift. I've tried to tell her she has more important things to spend her money on but it seems to fall on death ears.

I recently ordered something online for her which I thought she might like. Its been met with much thanks but also a stop spending on me comment. I feel sad because I have the funds to buy gifts not just for her but to stick the odd tenner or £20 in my sibling's accounts as and when I feel like it but now I feel guilty.

I wondered what other friends do in this situation. Once one of you has a family and doesn't have the finances to spend as you used to, do you instigate a flat no spending/ I don't want to receive gifts ban?

Would welcome comments.

lika_86

Why not agree that you won't buy for her (and she won't buy for you) but that you would like to buy presents for her child(ren)?

This doesn't stop you picking up the bill for coffee out or whatever every now and again.

Gigervamp

She might feel awkward receiving gifts when she can't reciprocate despite your assurances that you don't mind.

Mojisola

Flat_Eric wrote: »

A good friend of mine had a new addition to the family last year which means that on occasions like birthdays and Christmas, she doesn't have the funds now to reciprocate gifts.

This doesn't bother me, I've tried to stress I am perfectly happy receiving no gift. I've tried to tell her she has more important things to spend her money on but it seems to fall on death ears.

I recently ordered something online for her which I thought she might like. Its been met with much thanks but also a stop spending on me comment. I feel sad because I have the funds to buy gifts not just for her but to stick the odd tenner or £20 in my sibling's accounts as and when I feel like it but now I feel guilty.

It doesn't bother you but it obviously does bother her.

If you keep making her uncomfortable by ignoring her wishes, you're likely to lose her as a friend.

kezzygirl

To help you Think of it from her perspective, I will give you an example of my experiences:

My sister started a job following graduation and also got a partner who works full time. As a result, they have quite a bit of spare cash. Me, on the other hand, I am a student and hubby works for an agency. Money is sometimes tight and we can't afford to go out and spend £50/60 on a meal. If we are out, my sister will say 'I'll pay for it' which makes me feel uncomfy.

I can't afford it, but although she means well, it makes me feel crap sometimes as I cannot reciprocate. If I cant afford it, I cant afford it full stop. The last thing I need is her to keep paying and reinforcing how skint I am as I cannot return the favour.

Another example: she has booked for three nights at a haven site for £134. she wants us to go too, as we went last year. At a haven site up the road they take trailer tents (its ten miles from her site) and will cost us £44. I have said we will take our trailer tent as why would we want to spend £134 when we only have to spend £44?! Her reply was 'well, I will pay half as I want you on our site next to our chalet'.

erm, nope.we are going in our trailer tent, we don't need charity.

so, op, I hope that this example may reflect a little of how your friend feels and helps you understand a bit more x

lika_86

kezzygirl wrote: »

erm, nope.we are going in our trailer tent, we don't need charity.

so, op, I hope that this example may reflect a little of how your friend feels and helps you understand a bit more x

This is helpful.

I might just add though that you shouldn't see your sister's gesture as charity. I'm in the fortunate position that my job pays quite well and there's genuinely nothing better than being in a position to spend that money on allowing me to do things with my friends and family. Your sister isn't taking pity on you, by the sound of it she wants to spend time with you (not driving ten miles to another site) and is happy to pay to facilitate that. If I were you I'd accept her offer.

Georgiegirl256

Gigervamp wrote: »

She might feel awkward receiving gifts when she can't reciprocate despite your assurances that you don't mind.

Exactly. She'll feel under pressure that she has to return the favour despite reassurances that she doesn't.

OP, if she's requested no more presents, I'd respect her wishes.

theoretica

Sounds like you need to take the time to find things which will give her pleasure, but don't look like they cost money. The world's most perfectly suited to her christmas card for instance.

maman

I think you should respect her wishes too. It's really hard as I'm sure you don't mean to 'flaunt' the fact that you can afford it but maybe that's the way she feels.


I've seen a really lovely scarf that I know a friend of mine would love. It was her birthday this week and it would have made an ideal gift. But I know that if I buy it for her she'll feel obliged to reciprocate and she really hasn't got that much spare cash. So I just sent a card.:(

duchy

Friends don't need to have the same amount of disposible income or the same opinions on things in general -but to make it work there needs to be respect for the other view.

OP it honestly doesn't matter whether you think its OK or not-your friend has said it makes her feel uncomfortable and as a good friend I'm sure you don't want her to feel that way. Buy her kids fab gifts by all means if you want to make a financial gesture but she's said don't spend your money on her so at least make it less conspicuous and less regular.

SandC

I think you should respect her wishes also, she knows you are just being kind but with the best will in the world it's hard to accept gifts when you can't reciprocate.

I'm sure she'll be more than happy for you to buy birthday/christmas presents for the new addition to the family though.