Unwanted guest - what to do? (vlong)

1sttimer_2

Sorry this is long but I would really like to hear your thoughts on this one.

My friend’s hubby left her with 3 boys (17,14 and 12) 8 years ago (no problem as he was an alcoholic). She moved out of their jointly owned house into a council property which she made her own. She was doing really well and was pretty happy with how things were turning out for her. 3 years ago, she started a new relationship with a long time friend and eventually, he moved in with her. Unfortunately he also had problems! He had been in the army for all his working life, never married/been in a long term relationship previously, and his mom had done everything for him prior to his army career and after. When his mom died he stayed in their council flat and everything seemed to be ok. But he didn’t/wouldn’t face facts that he had to clean up after himself, pay bills etc. He denied (and still does) that he has any problems. He was eventually evicted due to his unpaid rent etc. That’s when he moved in with my friend (18 months ago).

Unfortunately (or not, TBH) the relationship did not work out and 6 months later she asked him to leave. As he had no where else to stay she agreed that he could sleep on the sofa till he got somewhere else. He lost his job and just stayed on the sofa day & night and (supposedly) never washed or changed his clothes! Eventually through my friends persuasion, he agreed to go to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression and given medication and counseling.

Meanwhile the boys were growing up and the eldest moved out to live with his gf and the youngest joined the army. The gf turned nasty and beat up the eldest so he quit that relationship and returned home. The youngest had an accident whilst doing some army exercise and when examined thoroughly was found to have the beginnings of MS (from his paternal grandma) and so was given a conditional discharge from the army and went back home. He struggled with this and moved in and out of home to various flats and began drinking heavily. The middle boy did quite well and is now at Uni in his 2nd year. My friend is coping quite well with all of the boys comings and goings, but her bf did nothing to help her.

She gave her bf an ultimatum to leave the home by the time her middle son came back from uni for summer but he’s still there. The eldest, (still at home) is getting to the end of his tether with the whole affair, doesn’t speak to him and wont even go into the room, and feels his mum is being used by this guy, but because he has no where to go she feels she cannot just put him out on the street, because that’s where he will be. His sister, who lives next door, won’t have anything to do with him at all and calls my friend soft!

I’ve found a local charity which helps men like this but he won’t even consider it because of his debts with the council – he won’t even apply for unemployment as he says all they will do is take it off him to pay his debts (and why not!).

What do you think she could do? I’ve told her to write to his doctor and counselor to tell them of her position and because it’s her home, she will have to throw him out. He’s ruining her and her family’s life through her kindness to this dirty lay-about who is not liked by any of her friends, but we will not desert her in this awful situation.

Any help/views on this will be fully appreciated. Thanks for staying and reading it.

pinkshoes

Could she not phone the council and request another council house and move!? At least he'd be forced to leave the sofa then!! Or physically lift the sofa, and carry it out onto the street, then change the locks?

How about putting locks on the food cupboards and fridge, so he'd have to leave the house to buy his own food?

A last resort would be calling the police and having him physically removed!!

This is very unfair on your friend and her boys, so she should use any means possible to get him out the house! I know that sounds harsh, but she's been nice, she's been more than accomodating, and if he isn't going to help himself, he needs sectioning or something!

Sarahjovi

I would suggest that your friend contacts her local Citizens Advice Bureau to get some legal advice.

This man needs to be shown some tough love, whilst she is letting stay, he obviously won't or doesn't want to help himself.

Good luck!

Sarah

kickstart_3

No expert , but i think no one would physically be able to move him , except the police. What a horrible situation, hope you find a way to sort it. He is just resorting to emotional blackmail now.

littletiger

It sounds like he isnt going to move out unless he has to!

1sttimer wrote: »

What do you think she could do? I’ve told her to write to his doctor and counselor to tell them of her position and because it’s her home, she will have to throw him out.

I dont think she should feel any obligation to do this - they are not going to be in a position to approve of this or to forbid it.

tanith

Its making her own family life intolerable and will eventually drive all her sons away... she needs to take the bull by the horns ( difficult as it might be) ask the police to remove him and change her locks... I know someone who had eventually had to do this to their own alcoholic son and it nearly broke her heart but for her own wellbeing and sanity it had to be done.... he got help from the council homeless unit as a vulnerable person and down the line he actually thanked his mother for doing what she did.... it might just give him the kick up the bum to turn his life around... but she will never know if she keeps letting him bum off of her...

*Louise*

Your friend sounds far too soft.

If he won't leave... then she should contact the police and change the locks.

It sounds like she has done more than enough to try and help him...until he wakes up and starts to help himself, there's nothing more she can do.

poe.tuesday

does your friend really want him gone?

If she really does then it's her home, he has no rights therefore she can just tell him to leave, if he refuses then she can either change the locks or call the police.

it sounds to me as if he has it all sewn up, living there for free, probably eating for free so why would he want to leave, he has no real reason to nor any drive to want to get on with his life.

I honestly think your friend firstly needs to decide if she wants him gone, is she doesn't but wants things to improve then she must expain this all to him, if she wants him gone then she has to show him the door, it's going to be tough but how much longer is she going to sacrifice her own happiness for someone that does not concider hers?

Mics_chick

She has got 3 grown up sons - couldn't she get the locks changed then get her sons to physically pick him up and dump him outside and shut the door...
I know this is sort of simplistic but then if he breaks back in she can call the police coz he's an intruder

Gingham_Ribbon

Are people really suggesting throwing a man with depression and MS onto the streets to live rough?

She has no obligation to him other than to warn him that she is no longer prepared to let him live with them and give him notice of eviction - say 3 or 4 weeks. (If she's put up with it this long, surely another month won't make much difference?)

In the meantime, she needs to contact the citizen's advice and maybe his doctor to let them know of the situation and ask for help. If he has nowhere to go by the end of the month, she could contact shelter and ask their advice.

hedley

Yes, it is a pity that he has MS/ deprression . However, allowing him to continue existing on the sofa, will only serve to maintain his depression! I suspect that this friend will have had many conversations with him about leaving.
He doesn't seem that he is adding anything to your friend's life- apart from hassle.

What I would do:
Give him a reasonable time to find somewhere else - ? 4-6 weeks.
Put it in writing to him- he probably won't believe it.
Pack up his stuff if he won't do it. If there is any likelihood that he may be aggressive ask the police to attend.
Get the locks changed.
I guess to make it watertight- an injunction against him returning to the property.

It is difficult- if she is serious about getting him to leave- she needs to be really firm. He will use all sorts of emotive arguments- he has a lot to lose by leaving- but also a lot to gain- really focusing on what he wants from life and having to act on it.

wish your friend luck!
Hed