Dug into a hole.

mnmawe

I don't know if this belongs here, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I've dug myself into a bit of a hole (which i take full responsibility for) I don't know how to go about getting out of. Apologies for some dark subject matter.

Over the past couple of years I decided to go study at college, and mainly supported myself through my student loan and from money I had saved from working full time (in a supermarket) for a few years previously while living with my parents. My plan was to find a part time job, then find something full-time during the summers/immediately after leaving. However, I've always struggled with feeling scared and embarrassed, and these feelings got greater over the last couple of years. I started rarely attending classes, and became more withdrawn. I've never really been able to make friends, and haven't had any since my teens (I'm 26 now). As pathetic as this sounds, I simply couldn't bring myself to look for a job. The thought of having to go out and ask, and to be interviewed became (and still is) unbearably stressful, and I just pushed it back further and further, telling myself I would find one later before money became a problem. I started getting poor grades at college, and just generally started to feel apathetic about everything. Like it didn't matter. I became vaguely suicidal. I just thought that if I couldn't bring myself to get out of this hole, I would just end it. So in June college finished. I ended up lying to my unsympathetic mother and telling her I had found a job (which she still believes). I came out of it with a poor/useless grade, no friends, no job and no ability to pay for college. Since it's my second time studying (I previously went to university after school, and regretted the subject choice - hence the 'fresh start'), I currently owe the college nearly £900 in tuition, which is now overdue by quite some time.

Anyway, in June after college I stupidly decided quite firmly that I was going to kill myself. I stopped worrying about paying rent/bills and finding a job. I ignored phone calls, texts and letters. I ignored emails and switched off my phone. I'd just wait until whatever money I had ran out and end it. In the last few days, however, I think I've changed my mind, and decided I don't really want to die. The problem is that I've dug myself into a hole. I have no income, and no likelihood of receiving any soon. I'm already overdue rent, which I simply can't pay, and E-on, my energy supplier, are demanding payment of several hundred pounds through a debt collection agency. I have about £4 in my bank account. I know that I should get in touch with them and explain my situation - only there's no situation to explain. I simply have no income right now, for which I have no (real) excuse, nor do I have any (real) reason for ignoring them all this time. This is on top of the fact that the prospect of actually confronting my landlord/supplier/college terrifies me to the point that I feel ill and occasionally break down crying at the slightest thought of it, which makes me feel utterly pathetic. Now I feel even greater despair than before, and feel like the only escape is to follow through with my stupid plan, as difficult as it might be to bring myself to. It's certainly preferable to homelessness/legal action, which I know I'm simply not mentally equipped to cope with. I'm willing to find work, though that will take time.

Anyway, I post this in the last ditch hope that someone else has been in a similar situation and if they have any advice as to how to start cleaning up this urgent mess, if it's at all possible.

Tixy

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Sorry you are going through a tough time at the moment. Please do try not to despair as there is a way through these things and for life to get better for you.

Some things to start with - if you are not working then you need to put in a claim for benefits. I know this will involve you meeting with people and being interviewed but it is a positive step forward that you need to take and start to give you a way out of the hopelessness.

I would suggest also speaking to your GP to discuss how you are feeling and your anxieties with dealing with people. If the thought of going to your doctor worries you is there anyone you could ask to go with you (parent/sibling/friend)?

If both of those steps feel too big to start with then please consider calling the samaritans, they are trained to help people feeling like you do and to help you start to feel better and get further help.

After you have dealt with those most immediate items, in terms of facing up to the debts and bills you have. I would start by sending out letters rather than phoning places. A useful starting point is to write to say you are not currently working and that you are seeking some advice from one of the debt advice charities and will be in touch shortly. That should buy you at least a month to get a plan together and you can use this for the elec debt collectors and the college etc.

You don't say what sort of relationship you have with your mother, or other members of your family but I would also suggest you try talking to them or someone at least, explaining that you are not working and have been having some difficulties. Hopefully they'll be able to step up to support you through things.

Please do get some advice as soon as you can. Will add some links that may be useful in a moment.

Edit - samaritans - please do give them a call http://www.samaritans.org/
Letter to creditors - https://www.nationaldebtline.org/EW/sampleletters/sole-letters/Pages/Hold-action-on-your-account-(sole-name).aspx
Starting to apply for benefits - apparently you can start a claim for Job seekers allowance online https://www.gov.uk/jobseekers-allowance/how-to-claim

evie451

I didnt want to just read and run but Tixy has put it really well, It sounds to me a similar situation to what my sister went through years ago. My sis can suffer with depression and agrophobia and got herself into money troubles about 10yrs ago under similar circumstances....she now goes to the doctor regularly and sometimes takes medication to help her with these problems.........
Do not be afraid of this it can be a really good thing :cool:

If you felt a bit better in yourself you could tackle the financial issues....:T

mnmawe

Thanks so much for the replies and advice. Unfortunately my mother is pretty unsympathetic to this sort of thing, and isn't in a place mentally or financially to really offer much support after the recent death of my father which has been very hard on her in both respects.

I might give samaritans a try if I can muster some courage, though, so thanks for that.

Sheesha

Couldnt just read and not say anything.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Tixy is right - Jobcentre is the 1st step - and dont feel silly or embarrased, you appear to be good mannered and educated - which is probably a lot better than the majority of people they may see there (no offence to anyone). You want to improve yourself and its not like you dont want to work, you just have some issues to overcome. I have never always felt confident with people, and I lack some people skills. But in life you dont necessarily need amazing people skills to get through.

Defo talk to someone in your family or someone who does care for you. Are you on facebook, is there any old friends you can get in touch with??

Dont worry too much about the debt, again Tixy is right start writing letters to them all and put everything in a folder so you know where you are. Maybe worth thinking of writing to your landlord to explain your situation?

In the unfortunate event that your landlord doesnt sympathise - there are other options. At the age of 13 I had to stay in a hostel with my mum and my 2 younger siblings. It was 3 beds a wardrobe and toilet facilities. Its not ideal obviously but if you ended up with nowhere to go, you could have a roof over your head.

Make it your mission to get yourself on track.

Why dont you approach big supermarket stores for a job? You have previous experience, you know the ropes, and the staff turn around is probably relatively high, so conducting an interview would be something they do alot. There are lots of tips for interviews, the main tip is dont be afraid, its just a job, you're not asking for the world.

Please dont do anything rash - there are lots of options and lots of help - you just need to go through the right channels to get them. You're not alone!

susieq87

have you spoken to jobcentre plus and talk about getting job seekers allowance and housing/council tax benefit. this might relieve you of some of your burden. you can talk to e-on and explain to them that you are not working and ask for the account to be put on hold until you have some finances coming in.

i'm not good with sympathy, just more logical but keep your head up and deciding not to take your own life is the first step!

ChopinonaBudget

I also didn't want to read and run. I'll give a strong second to Tixy's advice. There's also a Mental Health and Debt booklet download at the top of this page; that might have some useful information for you.

We have a history of MH problems in our family (ranging from mild to severe) and both me and my brother have debt problems too, caused in part by MH issues. It's really not that uncommon a combination (and GPs are aware of this so don't feel embarrassed about going, or about taking a friend with you to an appointment)

its_maths_not_magic

I couldn't just read and run. Please, please consider getting help as soon as you can. You have not done this 'for no good reason'. I am not a medical professional so I can't diagnose you but it sounds like you have some significant mental health issues that desperately need to be sorted. I know you feel like this is a hole you can never escape, but there is no financial problem, no matter how big and bad, that can not be solved. And your life is worth more than some debts. If you have no great support system, please call the samaritans. They may be able to get you help/support. There is also the citizens advice bureau which may also be able to help. You can also see your GP as there are medications which can help. Just be honest, say that you feel scared and need support.

One thing I can tell you, right now you may feel hopeless and that you are powerless to fix the situation. But once you start to deal with it, you will realise that you can fix it and that feels so much better to deal with it. Just take it one small step at a time and eventually you will walk out of the darkness.

Also, just wanted to add that many, if not most people have some debt. It's not a moral failing, just a fact of life (most can't afford a house outright) so there is no need to be ashamed. Most of us are in the same boat.

bubble32

Dear Mnmawe

Thank you for being so open about your feelings! I think you are doing the right thing by talking about it and in fact its the first sign that you are feeling better. I think you are very brave and I sure do hope that your finances will be put back into place, but please don't forget that is just money. Everybody goes through rough patches with money, but that can be sorted.
I think you should talk to the Samaritans or your GP today as suggested above.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

JasX

Ok action plan:

Priority #1 get onto the samaritans, I have a couple of friends who volunteer there. Those guys are very well trained and will have undoutably heard/helped people in much worse situations than yours which seems very readily fixable especially the relatively small amount of debt involved.

(worst case since you have no assets, defaulting and living with a trashed credit rating seems infinitely preferable to harming yourself over the issue)

You should find the samaritans a good source of support and they may well point you towards one of the (free) debt charities when you feel up to dealing with the cash situation and will probably put you in touch with some other form of support (possibly including a GP) to help work up a way past the scared/embarassed/awkwardness thing.

Good luck, I'm sure if you scratch the surface you'll you'll there are places to get support out there.

EDIT: Here's another copy of the link http://www.samaritans.org/

Karen777

Welcome. well done on making a first step by writing all this down.

I can hear how stressed and miserable you have been and continue to be from your words. You are not pathetic.

This is a friendly place so stick around. Many of us are in situations that no one in 'the real world' knows about.

Speak to your doctor if you can. You sound like you may be depressed and there are things that can help. Anti depressants save lives. As do the Samaritans. You can email or text if you can't face talking to them.

Write letters to the people you owe money to. You don't have to talk to them on the phone and no one can take from you what you don't have. If you have a local CAB or advice agency, ask them for help. It's quite normal to be tearful when dealing with these things, try not to judge yourself, you are having a hard enough time without beating yourself up.

If at all possible you need to apply for Job Seekers Allowance and Housing Benefit. That will get you some money coming in and hopefully if not manage your current landlord then help you find somewhere else to live.

There are options, there are choices, people here have a lot of experience and can help. One breath at a time, one step at a time, you can get through this.