Divorce, I guess.

Peanutbutterlover

Strange day. I need somewhere to dump the contents of my head, so I’m planning to chuck everything here. Forgive me changing my identity, but this one’s a bit too personal. (I do normally use these forums under another name.)

This morning, my husband and I decided that we should go our separate ways. We’ve been together five years. I already have a child from a previous relationship, she’s now 12 years old. My husband wants a child of his own and I don’t want any more children. We understand each other’s point of view and accept there’s no way forward together.

But knowing this is the right thing doesn't make this an easy thing. There’s so much going through my head! What to do about telling my daughter? How to tell our families? Should we still go on holiday together? There's just so much to consider. Not to mention the house and finances.

I’ve got through the day at work on just being busy. Daren’t talk to anyone, because I’ll just cry and right now I need to try to feel strong. Our friends are mostly mutual friends and I don’t want to confide in them just yet – it’s too soon. I do find that writing stuff down helps, hence this post.

More to follow, I’m sure.

pinkshoes

What a difficult decision, as apart from this one (huge) issue, you seem to be a strong couple.

Have you tried counselling to discuss the issue? Why do you not want another child? (I.e. Is it worth considering a surrogate mother or him taking paternity if the issue is a pregnancy or maternity one).

There's no reason why you can't still go on holiday together etc... Although it will get a bit weird when one of you moves on!

BucksLady

Although I do feel for you OP, what does surprise me is that such an important issue wasn't decided before marriage. Or perhaps it was and you changed your mind?

Barneysmom

It's sad when a marriage ends but it's not the end of the world. You will feel low for a while but we all get through black times like this with our strength.


Personally I wouldn't tell my daughter yet, not until you and your husband have spoken through about practical things like where you all will live and how you will care for her as she will come first in your life.


It's really easy for people to say 'Don't worry about what other people will think,' but not so easy to put into practise! Take your time, tell them quietly without showing any anger at all, how you tell them is as important as what you tell them.


If you have paid for the holiday and want to go together then go, have a good time and have a rest, there's hard work ahead and I hope you get through it all ok xx

fivetide

On the plus side, it sounds like this isn't a massive breakdown caused by constent bickering so your daughter won't have seen that, instead it is one huge (unresolvable) issue that you have both recognised and want to avoid before it becomes a source of bitterness for one of you.

That should make things slightly easier although the end of any relationship is of course tough.

Good luck.

ska_lover

BucksLady wrote: »

Although I do feel for you OP, what does surprise me is that such an important issue wasn't decided before marriage. Or perhaps it was and you changed your mind?

My thoughts entirely

These boards are littered with threads like these, people who do not really know the person they have married. Hardly suprising when it all goes t1ts up.

DKLS

I can see a similar situation happening with friends, they did get together with the understanding that neither wanted kids, but on a night out he blurted out he really wanted to be a father.
She won't change her mind, she chose career over kids so he will have to live with being child free or go through the upheaval of a split and have to find a women who wants his babies.

barbaraemmerson

If this is the only problem in your relationship then keep talking and talking and talking until you see the way through. I married my husband on the understanding there would be NO KIDS (lots of medical issues on my side of the family). 5 years down the line my husband got broody - totally against the agreement but it meant so much to him we spoke about the issues with the GP - didn't have an easy first pregnancy - but a fantastic consultant - who told me at 16 weeks I was unlikely to have a live birth - but two kids later they are the light of our lives ........
Don't give up or throw the marriage away - anything can be overcome if you love each other enough......................

caprikid1

"These boards are littered with threads like these, people who do not really know the person they have married. Hardly suprising when it all goes t1ts up."

These boards are littered with self righteous posts adds little value really.

hazyjo

What if he finds some other woman who would love kids with him only to find she's infertile? Would he just dump her and find another? Doesn't love come into it?

What if you agreed only to find you couldn't have any more? Would he dump you then?

Hmm.

Jx

VestanPance

That isn't the situation though.

He wants his own child, she's had a child to another man and wants no more. As others have stated I'm shocked it's taken five years for this to become such an issue. I can only guess either one of them changed their mind on the subject of having a child, or was dumb enough to think the other would change their mind on this subject.