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Long Term Recovery from Emotional Abuse
ava_adore
Posts: 47 Forumite
Firstly, after some off-putting comments in a previous thread I started, I just want to say that this thread is a place for me to get some stuff out of my head and a way to potentially find others who have been through something similar to me. If you can't give me the benefit of the doubt about what I'm saying, please don't respond to my post.
Ok. So. I met a man when I was 23 years old. I was not long out of a long term relationship, and I was set up with this man by my sister, whose first husband worked with him at the time. The man claims to be 13 years older than me, although later I'm to find out that he's lied about his age for many years.
I was with him on and off for about five years, although even when we weren't together I just wanted to be with him and worked at ways to try and reconcile the relationship. Towards the end, he refused to recognise the relationship and said we were just "us".
He was wonderful for the first year or so, writing beautiful poetry, and taking me away for seaside trips and stuff. After that, things started to change. He started to put me down, for being overweight, and because I struggled with social anxiety. Then he started feeding me stories about how my family were against me, which I later found out were lies, but which were enough to make me question my family's loyalty because my relationship with them had been shaky anyway. Because he was friends with my then BIL I had thought the things being said were true.
He would disappear for days at a time, having drinking benders, and then when he did contact me he would make me feel bad for having worried.
We started fighting a lot. Mostly because he was convinced I was cheating on him (I never, ever did) and he monitored everything I did online. This was in the days before Facebook, it was all Myspace and a couple of forums we both used. He once woke me up at 4am and demanded I give him my sign in details for my MSN Messenger. I was to tell him who every single guy was (they were genuinely just friends) and what my "history" with them was.
During the on/off period I moved around the country several times, working in youth hostels, and every time he'd have some tragedy or sob story that only I could help with. In the end I just went back to him every time. Even after being thrown out on the street with my bags, after an argument he'd started, on new years morning at 2am.
Nearer to the end, we started using Speed together. It allowed him to keep me in a state of either euphoria or paranoia. I wouldn't say I'm anti-drugs, but neither was I the kind of girl that would spend three days on a bender, which is what I ended up doing. We would stay up for days and then when the stuff ran out, we'd be terrible to each other. It was then that I realised that he had a problem with amphetamine abuse. I know a LOT of people who take drugs recreationally, but I found out my ex took Speed every day just to function. He found ways of normalising it for me and I was stupid enough to believe him.
When he was coming down he would walk up and down in front of me and tell me that I was worthless, why did he get stuck with me, no wonder nobody else wanted me. He said that everyone in my hometown thought I was a !!!!!. If I tried to talk he would hold my mouth shut or he would make me sit in the hallway and I wasn't allowed to move. I had to ask if I wanted to go to the loo.
Every so often I would get the strength to leave, but without him I felt like I might as well be dead, so I just went back to him. There was physical (sex) stuff that bothers me too but I won't go into that on a family forum.
I could sit for hours and write down all the stuff that he did to me, emotionally, but it's proving harder than I thought just to write this stuff so I won't keep going...
In the end, after a three day bender, it ended for good. He decided I had slept with a man who lives a good three hundred miles away, who I had never met, who also had a fianc!e and a teenage son. It was all in his head, but he sent me around three hundred texts over two days, and he threatened to have people sent to my house to beat me up and run me out of town. I changed my number, then about a week later, a friend of mine died in a horrible accident. After that, nothing else mattered, and I was able to simply repress everything that happened over those five years and I went absolutely crazy on drink, drugs and partying.
That was five years ago. In those five years I managed to knock the drink and drugs on the head, I've supported his more recent ex through her breakup with him (she was a friend of a friend and he did the exact same to her, she got out sooner than I did) and I managed to eventually sort myself out with a job and most recently a nice wee flat.
I really want to say that I'm ok but I'm not. In the five years since this all happened, I've put on five stone, and my social anxiety has become crippling. I still have dreams about him. I've no inclination at all to be anywhere near him, and it's only been in the last month or so that if I've seen him, that I don't feel abject fear and dread in my stomach.
He's got yet another girlfriend now, who he's doing this to, although I don't know this one. We know after speaking to a friend I share in common that he's doing the same to her. I wish I could help.
I struggle with meeting guys. I struggle with sex. I struggle with trusting ANYONE. I think the only reason I made it through the last five years is because I was so wasted for most of it that it was easy to coast along pretending everything will be ok.
I would really like to know if I'll ever feel ok again. If I'll ever get back to a size 14 again, if I'll ever enjoy sex sober again, if I'll ever meet a guy and not be filled with dread. My self esteem has never recovered.
I've got a tattoo on my shoulder which is the title of a poem that he wrote about me. I've asked for my tattoo artist friend to cover it up.
I need to start losing the weight, I need to learn how to get over the fear, and I just don't know how to do any of it. I've tried the doctor and I've got beta blockers for the anxiety. I've tried counselling but the counsellor didn't feel that I was messed up enough to need counselling.
I don't know what to do. Has anyone been through this sort of thing, and if so, what helped?
I know this seems like a sob story, it's really not for sympathy, I just don't know who I can turn to anymore and everyone thinks that because it's been five years that I am ok now.
I recently found out that he got his dead best friend's daughter pregnant (she was early 20's at the time) - he'd known her since she was five - and he made her have an abortion because he was trying to reconcile with me.
Everything's just overwhelming me. I really just want to feel ok again.
Ok. So. I met a man when I was 23 years old. I was not long out of a long term relationship, and I was set up with this man by my sister, whose first husband worked with him at the time. The man claims to be 13 years older than me, although later I'm to find out that he's lied about his age for many years.
I was with him on and off for about five years, although even when we weren't together I just wanted to be with him and worked at ways to try and reconcile the relationship. Towards the end, he refused to recognise the relationship and said we were just "us".
He was wonderful for the first year or so, writing beautiful poetry, and taking me away for seaside trips and stuff. After that, things started to change. He started to put me down, for being overweight, and because I struggled with social anxiety. Then he started feeding me stories about how my family were against me, which I later found out were lies, but which were enough to make me question my family's loyalty because my relationship with them had been shaky anyway. Because he was friends with my then BIL I had thought the things being said were true.
He would disappear for days at a time, having drinking benders, and then when he did contact me he would make me feel bad for having worried.
We started fighting a lot. Mostly because he was convinced I was cheating on him (I never, ever did) and he monitored everything I did online. This was in the days before Facebook, it was all Myspace and a couple of forums we both used. He once woke me up at 4am and demanded I give him my sign in details for my MSN Messenger. I was to tell him who every single guy was (they were genuinely just friends) and what my "history" with them was.
During the on/off period I moved around the country several times, working in youth hostels, and every time he'd have some tragedy or sob story that only I could help with. In the end I just went back to him every time. Even after being thrown out on the street with my bags, after an argument he'd started, on new years morning at 2am.
Nearer to the end, we started using Speed together. It allowed him to keep me in a state of either euphoria or paranoia. I wouldn't say I'm anti-drugs, but neither was I the kind of girl that would spend three days on a bender, which is what I ended up doing. We would stay up for days and then when the stuff ran out, we'd be terrible to each other. It was then that I realised that he had a problem with amphetamine abuse. I know a LOT of people who take drugs recreationally, but I found out my ex took Speed every day just to function. He found ways of normalising it for me and I was stupid enough to believe him.
When he was coming down he would walk up and down in front of me and tell me that I was worthless, why did he get stuck with me, no wonder nobody else wanted me. He said that everyone in my hometown thought I was a !!!!!. If I tried to talk he would hold my mouth shut or he would make me sit in the hallway and I wasn't allowed to move. I had to ask if I wanted to go to the loo.
Every so often I would get the strength to leave, but without him I felt like I might as well be dead, so I just went back to him. There was physical (sex) stuff that bothers me too but I won't go into that on a family forum.
I could sit for hours and write down all the stuff that he did to me, emotionally, but it's proving harder than I thought just to write this stuff so I won't keep going...
In the end, after a three day bender, it ended for good. He decided I had slept with a man who lives a good three hundred miles away, who I had never met, who also had a fianc!e and a teenage son. It was all in his head, but he sent me around three hundred texts over two days, and he threatened to have people sent to my house to beat me up and run me out of town. I changed my number, then about a week later, a friend of mine died in a horrible accident. After that, nothing else mattered, and I was able to simply repress everything that happened over those five years and I went absolutely crazy on drink, drugs and partying.
That was five years ago. In those five years I managed to knock the drink and drugs on the head, I've supported his more recent ex through her breakup with him (she was a friend of a friend and he did the exact same to her, she got out sooner than I did) and I managed to eventually sort myself out with a job and most recently a nice wee flat.
I really want to say that I'm ok but I'm not. In the five years since this all happened, I've put on five stone, and my social anxiety has become crippling. I still have dreams about him. I've no inclination at all to be anywhere near him, and it's only been in the last month or so that if I've seen him, that I don't feel abject fear and dread in my stomach.
He's got yet another girlfriend now, who he's doing this to, although I don't know this one. We know after speaking to a friend I share in common that he's doing the same to her. I wish I could help.
I struggle with meeting guys. I struggle with sex. I struggle with trusting ANYONE. I think the only reason I made it through the last five years is because I was so wasted for most of it that it was easy to coast along pretending everything will be ok.
I would really like to know if I'll ever feel ok again. If I'll ever get back to a size 14 again, if I'll ever enjoy sex sober again, if I'll ever meet a guy and not be filled with dread. My self esteem has never recovered.
I've got a tattoo on my shoulder which is the title of a poem that he wrote about me. I've asked for my tattoo artist friend to cover it up.
I need to start losing the weight, I need to learn how to get over the fear, and I just don't know how to do any of it. I've tried the doctor and I've got beta blockers for the anxiety. I've tried counselling but the counsellor didn't feel that I was messed up enough to need counselling.
I don't know what to do. Has anyone been through this sort of thing, and if so, what helped?
I know this seems like a sob story, it's really not for sympathy, I just don't know who I can turn to anymore and everyone thinks that because it's been five years that I am ok now.
I recently found out that he got his dead best friend's daughter pregnant (she was early 20's at the time) - he'd known her since she was five - and he made her have an abortion because he was trying to reconcile with me.
Everything's just overwhelming me. I really just want to feel ok again.
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Comments
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You might find this helpful
http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/?do=ack-cookie%26nextpage=%2F%3Fdo%3Dack-cookie%2526nextpage%3D%252F0 -
I'd really suggest speaking to your doctor again and asking for advice. Maybe you're in a betetr place for counselling now?Everything's just overwhelming me. I really just want to feel ok again.
How is the rest of your life compared to previously? Do you still have the same circle of friends that you had when your life was so chaotic before? Do you have a job?
It might sound really stupid, but to some extent "faking" a normal life for a while might help you actually have one. I'm thinking: a job, a routine, exercise, moaning about everyday things like the cost of insurance with other "typical" people. Getting a bit lost in the monotony of cleaning the house and cooking and so on. It might sound really boring, but maybe a bit of boring will help you feel more grounded.
These questions have no easy answer, and looking for guarantees is unlikely to be helpful. The best you can do it take each day as it comes and try to improve things for yourself a little at a time.I would really like to know if I'll ever feel ok again. If I'll ever get back to a size 14 again, if I'll ever enjoy sex sober again, if I'll ever meet a guy and not be filled with dread. My self esteem has never recovered.
As with everything else, this is much easier said than done - but you really need to try to let go. I don't know how you got this information, but you need to be trying to avoid it. If you have friends in common and they try to tell you information about his life, cut them off with "sorry, I don't need to know". Keeping up with his life is probably just making it harder for you to move on.I recently found out that he got his dead best friend's daughter pregnant (she was early 20's at the time) - he'd known her since she was five - and he made her have an abortion because he was trying to reconcile with me.
Good luck, and I hope you find the help you need.Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
― Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-20150 -
You are out. You got away. That was the hardest part. Every step you now take is in the right direction.
Try and find a local group running the 'Freedom Program'- you also might be able to find the follow up course. Even if you don't think you need it, they're invaluable. They'll work on spotting abusers and patterns of abuse, and working on your self esteem so you see how much more you're worth.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from the age of 16, and got out after 22 years. I'm now happily with someone the complete opposite. It can, and will happen for you too- once you learn to love yourself.
My ex kept me with him for so long with suicide threats. I was the lucky one. His next girlfriend- who was as unstable as he was- was with him a couple of months before killing herself.
you're a survivor. Your life no longer needs to be chaotic. You can shape yourself a new one- starting now.0 -
First of all you should stop keeping track of what he's doing or has done. It is not doing any good either to you or to anyone else. Stop talking about him or asking for information about him. Erase him completely out of your life. You are out of it now, why keep looking back and re-living it all? These women have their own crosses to bear and so do you.
Then I guess you need to concentrate on getting help to sort out your issues. Would you be able to push for another session of counselling? You would need to tell your GP that your messed up feelings about your past is overwhelming you. If you find you can't talk, a print out of your post would say it all really.0 -
I'm not actually asking anyone about him. One woman is his recent ex who sometimes needs to talk about what happened, and because I'm the only person who has been through it first-hand, I couldn't deny her the chance to get things off her chest.
The only other time he ever got brought up was when my best friend (who is close with his other ex) mentioned his new girlfriend today, only because I said I'd had a nightmare about him.
I've no inclination to know what he's up to, or who he's seeing, but if other people mention it I really have no control over it. I guess I can tell people not to say anything, but it's difficult because I don't have a choice in when people decide to mention him out of the blue.
I've lost nearly every friend I had before the relationship. People moved on with their lives, people were disgusted by my partying, people just weren't there for me when I needed it and I was a horribly unreliable person who probably pushed a lot of those friends away.
I've had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I'm still working off debt caused by him. I've just moved into a nice flat after living in a mouldy hell hole while I got myself sorted out, I've managed to hold down a job for four years now, so for all I might sound like an absolute mess... you've no idea how bad it was before.
I'm looking at private counselling, if I can find a way to afford it, as I wouldn't be able to speak to the Doctor about the bad experience I had, the counsellor that they referred me to last time made me feel awful about myself and I don't like to mention it.
It's very easy to say "oh well you're out of it now" but it's actually not that simple. I'm still struggling with all of the awful stuff that happened. There's stuff that I didn't mention due to the personal and sensitive nature, I guess that maybe would make people see things differently, but right now I'm still trying to understand what was so awful about me that it happened.
I do appreciate what you're all trying to say and I'll do my best to take the positive suggestions on board.0 -
In_a_quandary wrote: »You are out. You got away. That was the hardest part. Every step you now take is in the right direction.
Try and find a local group running the 'Freedom Program'- you also might be able to find the follow up course. Even if you don't think you need it, they're invaluable. They'll work on spotting abusers and patterns of abuse, and working on your self esteem so you see how much more you're worth.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from the age of 16, and got out after 22 years. I'm now happily with someone the complete opposite. It can, and will happen for you too- once you learn to love yourself.
My ex kept me with him for so long with suicide threats. I was the lucky one. His next girlfriend- who was as unstable as he was- was with him a couple of months before killing herself.
you're a survivor. Your life no longer needs to be chaotic. You can shape yourself a new one- starting now.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, and I'm glad to hear that it got better for you and that you're happy now. Thank you for suggesting the Freedom Programme. I'm having a look on Google for it now.0 -
Writing things down is easier for me than actually saying them, would it help if you did?
About the private stuff, if it makes you feel that you brought it on to yourself ( as you say in your post about trying to see what was so awful about you that it happened) then I guess it would be something you would need to bring up sooner or later with a counsellor so that you address these issues and get closure on them.
Good luck xx.0 -
Writing things down is easier for me than actually saying them, would it help if you did?
About the private stuff, if it makes you feel that you brought it on to yourself ( as you say in your post about trying to see what was so awful about you that it happened) then I guess it would be something you would need to bring up sooner or later with a counsellor so that you address these issues and get closure on them.
Good luck xx.
It's a lot easier writing it down, so maybe a private online blog or something would help, as I struggle to say stuff out loud at times.
I think the counselling is unavoidable, I have been given details of someone who comes highly recommended, so maybe if I write it all out and bullet point it I can show her rather than talk which would probably just make me cry.
Thank you xx0 -
I'm not sure how useful these are narcotics anonymous - http://ukna.org/
You've done well to get this far. I wish you well.:huh: Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway... :huh:0 -
Not in the same area but thought I would mention (in case it is helpful) I had one to one psychotherapy and group psychotherapy for a year or so- it was really really hard sometimes because you bring out all sorts of deeply held down feelings. I came out of some one to one sessions feeling physically battered-probably from adrenaline/stress of actually talking about stuff openly. Literally like walking away from a car crash. Sometimes I would come home and go straight to bed I was so exhausted.
At the start I had a tendency to think I disliked the therapist. I wasn't sure but decided she was a bit stuck up. However, the reality was that I was distressed by the subject matter and the challenge of the sessions and was simply associating that with the therapist. There is also the fear of being judged for our (often not so) own 'bad' behaviour. Add in the fact that the therapist by definition is more 'in control' that you are and it can feel a bit confrontational-but in truth it is resentment/anger etc all of your own making. Two or three sessions in I realised I was doing this- raised it with the therapist in fact and was then better able to make progress. Any aggression was entirely on my side-there was none coming back at me. Had I not been brave enough to talk about this I might have given up too soon. However, I can see that sometimes a different therapist would be called for.
It is also a bit odd to not get any of the advice or overt sympathy you might get from a friend-the therapist's job was not to advise me what to do or think but to enable me to make my own conclusions. Sometimes, in nudging that process on they literally take the wind out of your sails by asking a small but incisive question- 'and how did you feel about that?' and not letting you get away with glossing over it- we hide things from ourselves as well as others.
Not for the faint-hearted. But necessary sometimes and especially so if you need to understand how and why you got in such a pickle so you can guide yourself not to end up there again. Good luck OP- you really have been through the mill and look at what you have achieved. Go back to your GP and say you now feel ready to benefit from some counselling- even if you pay for it yourself.I find it odd that you can be prescribed beta blockers for anxiety and then be told you were not needing counselling- very odd indeed and you need to challenge this. A referral to a private or nhs service offering a full range of personal/group/ psychiatrist services on an outpatient basis might be best. That way there is a variety of options available-group/different therapist/ medication/different types of therapy such as CBT and childhood issues etc so it can all work together. Good luck!0
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