Fiance been posted - feel totally lost!

dreamdreamer

Sorry to barge in on these boards, I'm normally over at the money boards but I could really do with some non-money advice & counselling tonight! I've been with my other half for 6 years. He's in the armed forces but as long as I've known him he's been based in this county. This week he was promoted, something he has worked really, really hard for and thoroughly deserves. However it came with the blow that he will be posted 2.5hrs away. This was obviously always a possibility but I had totally buried my head in the sand and told myself they wouldn't post him far away so close to his retirement (he's served 19 of 22 years) when he's been in this area for over a decade. This has totally and utterly knocked me for six.

Yesterday we sat down and discussed our options and decided the only thing we can do is have him live on camp Monday to Friday and come home at weekends. The problem is, I work 3 weekends in 5, and that's not something that can change. I can try and minimise it by taking all my annual leave at weekends, but I'll still have to work the majority, the long and short of it is it's going to be seriously challenging, with no real end in sight.

We live in the same house at the moment and I feel like we barely see each other because of our jobs. I have no idea how we're going to cope with this. I've spent the last couple of days trying to be positive about it and take steps to make it easier, I'm going to try and learn to drive so that when I'm off during the week for a few days I can travel to him, I've bought him some things to make his mess room feel like home, stuff like that. But now I'm sat on my own (he's out doing voluntary work) it's hit home that it's going to be like this 90% of the time now. The house is just silent and sad.

I just feel gutted. Life had finally come together, we had our house, we'd set a date for our wedding, we had the debt paid off and were enjoying life. We had so many plans, like our plans to start a family, that can't happen now unless I want to be a single parent most of the time. I honestly feel like everything has just been ripped out from under us. If it was just for six, nine months we'd cope. But it's 3 years. It's such a long time to put your life on hold!

I don't even know what advice I'm looking for to be honest. How we can make this easier, make it work, I suppose. Sorry for the ramble.

Dreamer x

barbiedoll

Can you not get work nearer to where he will be based and then you can live with him at his new posting?

I know this seems horrid at the moment but you can make these things work. My husband has just finished 5 years of night shifts, every night, 6 nights out of 7. When he went back onto days, it was like having a stranger in the house, one who hogged the bed, remote control and the food! I'd got quite used to being alone for much of the time, it was very hard at first, like living in different time zones but we learned to work around it, although it was not the best years of our marriage.

Can your dreams of starting a family be put on hold for a couple of years? (you could get pregnant in year 3 near the end of his posting)

Will he be earning more money? You can save this towards your dreams which may have to wait a little longer but will be more affordable (wedding?)

I know it feels like a massive blow but do make positive plans, the driving lessons are a great start. When you go there for a few days, it will seem like a honeymoon

I hope you feel a little more upbeat soon, these things are sent to try us and I'm sure that you will both cope, one way or another.

balletshoes

its amazing what you get used to in your household routine, if you work at it this can work, and at the end of it you'll still be together, you'll still be happy, and you'll be a family .

I've done armed forces LDRs in my youth, and my marriage started off as a foreign LDR. Now my OH works away most of the year, and yes, a lot of the time I've felt like a single parent - but thats not all doom and gloom. You just get used to it and it becomes normal for as long as you do it.

We've lived together when I've not been working and my OH worked all day, we've done me working all day and him not working, both of us working the same hours, both of us working different shifts, him working away some of the week etc etc - and we're still a familly, we're still together, we're still each other's rock. Our household pattern will change again in the future, I have no doubt about that, and we'll just get on with that too.

Your roll with, if its the best thing for your future as a couple and a family .

Northern78

Hi dreamer.

My DH is also in the forces so I totally know how you feel and if you look through my previous posts you'll find one from me moaning about the forces life and putting my life on hold.

We've been together 10 years and married for 4 and I won't lie it has at times been hard. In the first few years he was away Mon - Fri and I had a second job to clear credit card debts working in a bar. That involved working Friday nights, some Saturdays and a split shift on a Sunday. We hardly saw each other then he ended up getting 6 month postings, the Gulf, Falklands, Afghanistan. During this time I planned our wedding and sorted out the sale of my flat and bought our house.

He then got a 2 year posting which meant a week on followed by a week off which came in handy as we have a 2 year old. They offered him an extension on this posting so we planned on trying for second child only for them to change their mind and post him to a ship. This was probably my lowest as it seemed all our plans had been taken away by somthing out of our control. Anyway after a bit of a kick up the bum from people on here we just got on with things and it turned out we got pregnant with our second child almost straight away, it's due in November.

DH still has 6 years to go and no doubt another 6 month posting which will be hard with two small children.

So after all that rambling what I'm trying to say is you'll get through it, you don't have to forget your plans and dreams just alter them slightly. It's a hard life being with someone in the forces but to the guys and girls serving it IS their life.

Stick with it, make the times you are together extra special and before you know it he'll be retiring and then you'll be wishing he was going away for the week!! x

Faith177

Hi OP me & OH have experienced a similar situation.

He is a pub manager and was offered a pub in Tilehurst about 120 mile round trip from our home. He had to take it otherwise he would end up back at the bottom of the waiting list and he had been waiting 2 years already.

We were initially told it would be from September 2013 - Jan 2014 as we made clear we wanted him home before our wedding in the April. We decided I would stay put as my job is secure and I own the house we live in. January soon came and went and so did every other deadline we were given he finally came home for good April 2014 just in time for our 1 year anniversary!

He was only able to come home 1 night a week and often we would go up to 4 weeks without seeing each other due to busy periods ext

All I can offer as advise is make sure you both have unlimited packages on your phone and messaging services like Facebook or Whatapp it really helps it's no replacement but it takes the edge.

When OH was home we always made sure we did something if we could be it a meal out or a take away or a nice dinner at home and a new film.

Be prepared to row and get on each others nerves it is very stressful especially if you have had a rough day and are feeling low and they are too busy to talk. You will learn a lot about patience

Take up some hobbies to keep yourself busy I personally took up boot camp and zumba so I was out of the house at least 2 nights a week. I also took a second job and worked as many hours as i could so i didn't have to be on my own

Send silly things to each other in the post when you can it's nice to come home and find something unaccepted waiting for you. OH use to send me things like Haribo goldbears and I would send him silly cards.

Also expect to get jealous of other couples. I use to hate looking at my friends facebook pages and seeing what they had been up to with their partners as that was being denied to me in a way. Best tip log off make a cup of tea or coffee and treat yourself to something to cheer you up

As Northern said you feel like your whole life is on hold while they are away and I feel i am only just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We really want children but have decided we are going to wait now for a while to get use to being us as a couple again.

Another thing is after a while you will establish your own routine. I use to get really frustrated when OH came home on say a Wednesday instead of his usual Tuesday it use to muck my week right up lol You end up missing them when their gone and getting annoyed when their there lol Again this is where you will need to take a deep breath

Good luck to you both and if you ever feel like chatting PM me

dreamdreamer

He will be earning more but that'll be eaten up immediately by his mess bills.

We did discuss me moving there but he shot it down nearly immediately. For two reasons, one my job is not movable, I'm sure I could find work but I'd have to give up my current career to move there. Secondly this is our home, our friends are here, we have our house here, and he wants to be able to come back to that. He's said even if I'm working all weekend, he's coming back because this is where his life is and why would he sit in a room on his own for 2 days when he could be in his house and seeing his friends.

When you go there for a few days, it will seem like a honeymoon

I did think that!! I'm telling myself it'll be like the first year we were together, when he'd come to me on the weekends I was off, and I'd go to him during the week if I was working the weekends. We called his mess room 'the bubble' because while we were there, there was no chores to be done, nobody to see, nothing to do, not even any mobile signal! We'd just talk and go for bike rides in the evenings, picnics, etc. In a way that little bit of isolation from the real world was nice.

The difference is that was 45 minutes away, and I could pop up on the bus for a night or 2. This is a 2.5hr drive, and about 5hrs by public transport. I really need to learn to drive!!

This was probably my lowest as it seemed all our plans had been taken away by somthing out of our control.

That's exactly the feeling. Like you're not in control of your own life. For someone who obsessively plans and controls every aspect I'm struggling with that!!

we got pregnant with our second child almost straight away, it's due in November.

Congratulations!!!

Thankyou all for the positivity. I think I just needed to hear other people have made it through!! We are a strong team, I trust him to the end of the earth and I know he's going to find this even harder than I am, so I'll just have to do whatever I can to make it easier on him.

dreamdreamer

Send silly things to each other in the post when you can it's nice to come home and find something unaccepted waiting for you. OH use to send me things like Haribo goldbears and I would send him silly cards.

This is a brilliant idea! I'm definitely gonna do that.

Edited to add: I've just thought of another positive. I'm going to use all my new found alone time to really drive my fitness up. I've lost a stone the last 2 months and have another 2 to shed so I'm going to work hard on that in the evenings as I'll have nobody to sit on the couch with! Not to mention I won't be cooking for an eating machine every night that insists on meat and at least 2 forms of carbs with every meal (and still stays svelte! GRRR)!

growler834

Hi dreamdreamer
Rather than focusing on the negatives of your situation try & focus on the positives & it may make the burden easier to bear:
1) It's ONLY for 3 years - I know 3 years seems a long time but if you break it down into days & take away the weekends, holidays & days you can visit when you pass your test you will see that the amount of days you are apart aren't as many as you think.
2) He is posted 2.5 hours away (or 5 by public transport) however it's not another country so he's still not that far away that, in an emergency, you can't be together.
3) He's safe - he could be sent into a war zone for 3 years & you would have the accompanying worry then.
4) You can use your spare time to take up hobbies, learn to drive etc & then you both have something interesting to talk to each other about when you see him. Hubby & I were in the Police & worked opposing days/shifts most of the time & it worked fine. The 2 years we worked the same hours was the worst time as we lived in each others pockets & we knew what each other had done at work already so had little to talk about!
5) You will have time to make your new house a lovely 'home' whilst he is away - each week do a little something as a surprise - paint a wall, frame & put up a new family photo etc to give him that 'homely' feeling.
6) Don't stress about the right time to get pregnant etc - if you stress over everything it will take longer to happen anyway.

Stand back & see that this could a positive in your relationship - 3 years will fly by, believe me.

duchy

The best thing you can do is learn to drive. Now you have a big incentive to pass !

I work a permanent 2 to 11 shift my OH mainly works 6am to 2pm so is up hours before me and asleep before my shift ends. We make it work because we want to.

phill99

I was in the forces so appreciate the difficulties that wives have to put up with.

However, in the scheme of things, this is a good posting. He could have been posted on a any one of a number of unaccompanied worldwide postings. Alternatively, he could have been given a battalion accompanied posting where you would be expected to join him. UK postings are also easy. Regular hours, a lot of weekends off and no chance of being repatriated in a coffin.

Also remember that as he has taken promotion, this will benefit his pension provision as well as his golden golden handshake when he leaves, so you will have a more financially secure future.

Unfortunately, you knew the score when you married him and it is a case of taking it on the chin.