Hi Guys, need some advice about divorced couples.

mrxphatman

Long story short, myself and my wife divorced just over a year ago but have been separated about 4 years ago now. Our relationship has been up and down during that period due to my stubbornness and could find it very easy to block my ex out, not talk to her and ignore her. I was recently involved in an horrific accident which left me hospitalised and off work for months while I recovered. During that time, all I could think about were my two kids and my ex, i.e. could I have handled things differently before my accident, did I/we really want the divorce etc. I know that my ex did not want the divorce but again, because of my stubborn nature it went through. My whole outlook since my accident has changed, I realised that in life certain things are just not worth worrying about which has helped my stubbornness, I'm much more open, approachable and communicative. I have asked my ex to have a heart to heart chat as I still have very strong feelings for her which she has always been aware of, neither of us are seeing anyone and haven't done so since we divorced. Going to say sorry now if some of what I'm writing is "all over the place". I would like for the two of us to reconcile our differences and look at how we could move on and maybe patch things up. My ex has always said that she'd always at the least wanted to be friends rather than enemies. Basically, has anyone been in this kind of situation before as I don't want to blow things but show my ex that I'm genuine about wanting to make things work and that I'm willing to put the leg work in. The kids always imagined that we would get back together as did my ex so any advice of things to do/not to do would help immensely


Cheers guys

GobbledyGook

As someone who has recently moved in with her ex-husband again I'd say the biggest thing you need to do is take your time.

Don't expect her to just be delighted you want to try again and jump back in both feet first.

You need to work out what went wrong last time round, truly work it out, and work out how (and if) you can stop it happening again.

How recent was your accident? If you've been stubborn and haven't changed in four years and your accident was only a couple of months ago then don't be surprised if your ex wants to see that these changes are long-term changes (especially important if near the end of your marriage/previously you've said you'd try and change and didn't).

Take it slowly is my advice.

FBaby

Yes, I have two friends who were in your ex's shoes. In both cases, they did get back together, but in both cases, the women found that it wasn't the same because the hurt had done too much damage and that ultimately, it had killed not the love, but the being in love. As they had got used to being alone, they were not afraid of that any longer and in both cases they are the ones who decided to move on. In one case they remained close friends, the other cut all contact.

The difference though is that in both cases above, there had been a lot less time before they got back together, so I would say that they hadn't really had the chance to grieve. In your case, it's been 4 years, so you would hope that your ex has gone over it all, and if you were to get together, it would be starting all over again rather than picking up where you left it.

I wish you good luck.

thorsoak

mrxphatman wrote: »

Long story short, myself and my wife divorced just over a year ago but have been separated about 4 years ago now. Our relationship has been up and down during that period due to my stubbornness and could find it very easy to block my ex out, not talk to her and ignore her. I was recently involved in an horrific accident which left me hospitalised and off work for months while I recovered. During that time, all I could think about were my two kids and my ex, i.e. could I have handled things differently before my accident, did I/we really want the divorce etc. I know that my ex did not want the divorce but again, because of my stubborn nature it went through. My whole outlook since my accident has changed, I realised that in life certain things are just not worth worrying about which has helped my stubbornness, I'm much more open, approachable and communicative. I have asked my ex to have a heart to heart chat as I still have very strong feelings for her which she has always been aware of, neither of us are seeing anyone and haven't done so since we divorced. Going to say sorry now if some of what I'm writing is "all over the place". I would like for the two of us to reconcile our differences and look at how we could move on and maybe patch things up. My ex has always said that she'd always at the least wanted to be friends rather than enemies. Basically, has anyone been in this kind of situation before as I don't want to blow things but show my ex that I'm genuine about wanting to make things work and that I'm willing to put the leg work in. The kids always imagined that we would get back together as did my ex so any advice of things to do/not to do would help immensely


Cheers guys

Be honest with yourself - and with your ex-wife : how much of your regret is due to the fact that you now wish you had somebody who could help you when you are helpless? Someone to do the things that you cannot do at the moment?

Will you still feel the same when you are 100% fit again? Or is it likely that you will not be 100% fit again?

hazyjo

I find these change of attitudes often shortlived. People make all sorts of promises to themselves and others, but life has a habit of going back to the way it was eventually. Not saying all the time, but those I know have mainly gone back to how they were after health scares.

Also, it's not like she's a new partner that you could maybe handle things differently with, it's someone you've been a certain way with before, so she will still expect you to act that way - whatever you say/promise.

Baby steps. Just see how it goes for a while if it's what you both want.

Jx

Morglin

I cannot really see it working, but all you can try is first to be friends, then perhaps a courtship, and see where (if anywhere) it leads to.

However, be careful of being sure about what you want - serious injury or sudden disability can sometimes distort thought patterns!

Lin

PlymouthMaid

Sometimes there is just too much history and it unfortunately can colour the present too much but it could be worth a try. The real problem would be your children thinking you are back together and then it collapsing again so perhaps keep any reconciliation very low key from their point of view.

Confusedandneedhelp

Think the point about friendship is spot on.

Me and my ex are working on being friends. Ultimately I want to reconcile, Im pretty sure she wants the same thing.

But taking it a day or a week or a month at a time.

mrxphatman

thorsoak wrote: »

Be honest with yourself - and with your ex-wife : how much of your regret is due to the fact that you now wish you had somebody who could help you when you are helpless? Someone to do the things that you cannot do at the moment?

Will you still feel the same when you are 100% fit again? Or is it likely that you will not be 100% fit again?

I hear what you are saying but I think I may have overcooked it a bit, I did have a really bad accident back in April, dislocated shoulder, broken arm in multiple places, fractured a lower vertebrae and really bad bruising. I am almost 100% fit just a bit stiff and sore still which will clear up as physio is helping on that front. I think what I have taken away from this is to be just friends first. That way if it doesn't happen between us hopefully the kids seeing us getting on better as friends will also help them. If however it does happen then it's about pigeon steps. To be honest I have been single for so long now that yes I have gotten used to my freedom, but, I never wanted to get divorced and I also believe my ex feels the same hence the chat we will be having to clear things up. However, because I still feel strongly about her I would like to try and patch things up which I know is going to be hard work but I believe that it will be worth it. Thanks for your advice everyone, hugely appreciated

Thumper7

Don't even go there.


If you want your wife and family back you will wait until you are fully recovered and then broach the subject. Anything else is totally unfair on you both.


You can correct me if I'm wrong, are you feeling something is better than nothing because of where you are?


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