Family Issues..

picklekin

Hi folks,

I've been mulling this over in my head now for days and wanted to see if I can get a new perspective on things. Please try to be gentle, and do ask if I've missed something out.

A bit of background. I have had issues with my family all my life, my mother is very self centred person, an alcoholic, depressed and anxious, has attempted suicide twice, been committed once. She has a very co-dependant relationship with my elder sister. I don't speak to my father really any more as he is also an alcoholic and seems semi delusionary at time and makes up strange things I have done said etc (but that's another story!)

I get on OK with my sister, we've had our rows (some massive) but have always tried to support each other, knowing that we both have our mother to deal with. She gets the brunt of my mothers drama and screaming, then I usually help pick up the pieces and comfort my sister. My sister now has two children (2 and nearly 5) both are a massive handful with suggestions from the school that the eldest has sensory processing disorder. Her partner of 10 years left her about 8 months ago.

About a year and a half ago my mother moved to be near my sister (both a blessing and a curse I think!).

Since this I've been feeling completely abandoned by my family, last Friday it was my birthday and whilst I did get a card from both, my mothers was from the budget section and had the price left on. Neither of them called me... I know to some families this might be normal but normally we ALWAYS call each other on their birthdays. Its got me thinking about other things, I can't remember the last time my mother called ME, I just get the odd text. I get the odd call from my sister, but its always about HER, I know she has a lot going on, but I just had a miscarriage and am about to start IVF and have had other issues, shouldn't she at least ASK about that? They are always desperate panicked calls as well, there is never a catch up chat. When I call her I barely get a word in edgewise either.

Basically I want to know if its a good idea to keep trying, to keep calling, keep sending emails when there is no support back ever... I was so upset this weekend I wrote them both long emails saying how sad I was, but just hit delete, thinking it would just cause drama with me at fault some how. I don't want to be alone with no family, but it feels like its all take take take

Sorry this is long and waffley, I don't know how to condense it as its been going on so long...

pickledonionspaceraider

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BitterAndTwisted

I would count the lack of direct contact as a blessing. If it's only the odd text or email I regard that as much contact as is healthy under the circs.

There's no shame in being self-contained and self-sufficient if the alternative is to be constantly embroiled in other peoples' endlessly selfish drama and unhappiness.

Ewer123

They just comes a time when you have to draw the line and say enough is enough,

You will have a clear conscious in regards to making an effort, but it's clearly making you sad, so I would step back for a while, do you have others to support you?

picklekin

I have a wonderful husband, he's very supportive and loving. He's not perfect though (and also a man!) and it would be great to have other people to talk to. I do have friends but no one I'm that close to any more. No one I can really call up just to have a chat, they are more people to do things with if you know what I mean...

missbiggles1

How have you been supportive of your sister and all her problems?

" My sister now has two children (2 and nearly 5) both are a massive handful with suggestions from the school that the eldest has sensory processing disorder. Her partner of 10 years left her about 8 months ago."

Your comment about communications being all about her and your lack of sympathy for your mother's long term mental health problems make you seem very self centred, I'm afraid.

princeofpounds

Nothing too unusual.

Your sister and mother being closer probably means they are becoming more absorbed by their co-dependency, and your sister clearly has a lot on her plate with the children too.

They are very used to you being a bulwark for their dramas, so it's not surprising they don't think to ask about your problems.

I'd personally be quite relaxed about all this; they will still speak to you, so it's not an acute problem. You are a little less wrapped up in it all, which is probably also fine.

picklekin

missbiggles1 wrote: »

How have you been supportive of your sister and all her problems?

" My sister now has two children (2 and nearly 5) both are a massive handful with suggestions from the school that the eldest has sensory processing disorder. Her partner of 10 years left her about 8 months ago."

Your comment about communications being all about her and your lack of sympathy for your mother's long term mental health problems make you seem very self centred, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry it came across that way, I was trying to relay a lot of information in as small a space as possible.. Yes I have been there for my sister, dropping everything to run and call her at 10pm, 5am etc when I get a text saying "Can we talk". I've done this so many times I've lost count, but is it wrong to expect 5 minutes at the end of a call to ask how I am? When I call her she is always busy, I get a 2 minute conversation before she has to go...She also seems to have one crisis after another, one that is always more important than mine, does that make me self centred? Maybe it does, which is why I posted here to ask to get another perspective.

As to my mother, yes I have been there. I've been there in hospital when her kidneys were failing, I've been there and picked her off the floor when she's thrown up over herself, I've been there listening to her telling me how much she hates and despises me and my sister. As I've said though, this is mostly (at least 90%) directed at my sister as its her she wants to hurt usually.

Again, maybe it IS self centred to have reached a point where I try not to engage with her mental health issues, we have tried so many many things over the years (it was my sister and I that fought to have her committed as a last resort) but have come to think that if she wont help herself a teeny tiny bit then there is little I can do.

snowleopard61

missbiggles1 wrote: »

How have you been supportive of your sister and all her problems?

" My sister now has two children (2 and nearly 5) both are a massive handful with suggestions from the school that the eldest has sensory processing disorder. Her partner of 10 years left her about 8 months ago."

Your comment about communications being all about her and your lack of sympathy for your mother's long term mental health problems make you seem very self centred, I'm afraid.

When people start a thread on this board, sometimes they are doing so because everywhere else in their lives they are trying to be altruistic and for once they need people to see the situation from their point of view; it may be easier to do that with uninvolved strangers on a forum than in real life.