On the edge...

Ewer123

Sorry for the long babbling story.

I'm having difficulties with my siblings, and I would love to know what others thought or advise they may have.

Some background, 3 sisters who basically only have each other left as family. My Dad died when I was 8 and my mum died in January this year. We have a long and complicated history revolving around sexual, physical and mental abuse.

We are in the final stages of sorting out my mum's house, when I received a phone call saying how frustrated they were by the amount we had done in regards to clearing on a weekend when I was there. ( I went to a carboot to clear stuff, and the rest I was suppose to take to charity) I didn't do this as I hired a long wheel base van and I was scared to take it into town.

My sister who has just come back from a 2 week holiday in France, and told me she could be there till end of July to sort stuff. Now I hear they are leaving on Wednesday ( even though I have stuff on ebay which I am selling ) so noone will be there to let the buyers have there stuff :cool:

This really upset me, and I told her she was being unfair as I worked so hard to get as much stuff cleared as possible.


Anyway this has ended up by my sister telling me to F**K O** and blocking me on fb.

Now I hear my sister is visiting my other sister and nephew who is 200 miles away from my mum's house.

I only heard this through the grapevine. I'm scared I'm being pushed out. I don't want to be 30 and have no family left in the world

thank you for reading

Bean83

Try not to worry about being pushed out, this must be a very emotional time for you all so it's understandable that there might be some tension but I'm sure it won't be permanent.


If I were you, once everyone has been given a bit of time to calm down, I would write an email to both sisters explaining that you didn't mean to upset anyone and that you love them and want them to stay in our life. Don't go over why you fell out, and you can avoid actually apologising if you don't feel you need to, but life is too short to fall out over petty things so sometimes you just need to bite your tongue and smooth things over.


I'm sure you sister(s) would hate you to feel like you were going to be left all alone with no family, and you'll be able to build bridges and get things back on track.

Ewer123

I hear what your saying, and I am normally the one to say sorry, and move on, but I'm fed up with being the one that does this and being walked all over.

This has happened before a large argument, with 3 people responsible ( my mum, sister and myself) I repeatedly apologized, she did not, but she did not talk to me again for a year until our mum died.

I can't see how taking things to the tip about 3 miles away is such a hardship but driving over 400miles to drop stuff off for my other sister is okay :cool:

Bean83

I really sympathise, I often used to feel like the one that was always 'giving in' in my family and felt that I was getting walked over.

In my case, the arguments were never anything serious, so I made the decision to accept that my family were slightly of the drama queen variety and now I just let things like that go over my head, as it isn't worth getting upset over and falling out with them all the time. By changing my attitude towards them I feel much better; they behave the same as they always have but I have adapted the way I react to it.

Only you can decide if you can do this with your family; as I said the arguments with my family are often over very minor, silly things so I can easily let them wash over me. However, people shouldn't be allowed to treat you badly just because they're family.

meritaten

Why didn't you arrange to go to the house to pick up 'personal' items and then have a 'house clearance' company do the rest?
you could still do this if everyone has what they want from the house? ask if they would agree to this?

Counting_Pennies_2

I know it is hard, but if you have a very difficult relationship with them, it is understandable during this very stressful time that tempers will flare.


Perhaps you feel they never apologise and you are the one doing the apologies, and may be they feel you promise to do things and don't follow through. Maybe the sisters are cross that you feel they should be at the house while you sell your items and get them to carry through the end of the transaction. Maybe they don't feel they are being valued?


Either way, there are feelings from both sides to be considered and different degrees to understanding what makes people get upset.


You may find you are not compatible. You are after all thrown together when you a born, you don't ask to be their friend. Personalities clash, jealousies rear their head from decades of hurt and misunderstanding. Would you choose to have these people as your friend in normal circumstances?


Perhaps now is the time to seek some counselling. Take charge of the items you have placed on ebay, taking them out of the house, or just hand them to a house clearance company, or even stick up a poster and say house clearance and put all the items on the garden one weekend and see what sells.


Either way I think you need to find closure fairly quickly with the estate of your parents, and then see if there is anything salvageable from the sibling relationship

Ewer123

Thank you for your replies!

Having an outside perspective is very informative!

I think having closure is very important ( if quite sad). We have all had extensive counselling, sometimes maybe the scars run too deep to heal?

Knowing my sister as I do, even if I do say sorry, it is unlikely she will talk to me for a very long time.

Guess what I'm really asking here is, can you lead a happy life without regrets, while not be in contact with your extended family?

Any experiences of this?

Counting_Pennies_2

Ewer123 wrote: »

Guess what I'm really asking here is, can you lead a happy life without regrets, while not be in contact with your extended family?

Any experiences of this?

I have experience of choosing to be at a distance from my family. We were brought up in a family of depression and misery, both parents had their own ingrained issues. The depression seemed to get worse as time went on so my eldest sister got through it relatively unscathed, the middle sister grabbed about through the wilderness of our childhood and continues to get everything she requires at whatever cost, and I felt I was left to it as they left home as soon as they could and I was stuck in a pit of misery and feel with that a lot of issues that plague me now is because of that pit that I waded through for several years unsupported.


I have realised that no matter what contact I try to have with my family it leaves me very sad, and I then have issues several weeks later with depression and sadness. I have never been supported by them, in fact my issues are made worse. When I had severe postnatal depression and trying to work out the best treatment for me, my mum just said 'been there, done that got the t-shirt' since that day she has done nothing to help, encourage, enquire. When I had one child in hospital for a serious life threatening condition and the other with chicken pox and my DH away on business I requested help, she said it would put her out too much to help. Whether it be a general every day issue, or a pressing emergency, there has been nothing.


So my mantra is you are loaned a child for 18 years and it is up to you to do as good a job with them, to love, care, nurture, educate and give them the best possible life. If you create a loving environment you will hopefully follow with a good relationship with your child that will go on beyond their 18th year. However contact and how often and how close after that date is the choice of that child. The same applies to siblings.


For me I don't feel any responsibility to provide a loving relationship. I visit for each of their birthdays, and will meet up with my siblings on those occasions, and my children know who their grandparents and aunts and cousins are but that is all. I cannot put myself through the mill of further visits. For my own well being I have to keep a distance.


It makes me sad that is the situation. When I see my MIL with her good relationship with her DD and my DH, it saddens me that I have never and will never get a loving relationship with my parents or siblings. My DH says it is my responsibility to provide that environment for my DD and DS and I aim and struggle through my own issues to provide a nurturing loving home and relationship for mine. I will be delighted to be in a position to have grown up conversations and provide whatever support and help my children and I hope I will have done a good enough job to have a fantastic relationship with them in their adult lives.


For me the key is to make my life a happy one. To feel fulfilled, to build up some lovely friendships and a loving life. The best thing I can give myself is the space and time to be happy now.


So I give you the above in the aim to answer your question, that you don't necessarily get a happy ever after situation, it takes a lot of work, but sometimes it is necessary to get some distance from one another, to make your life better. If the current situation is not working, it is necessary to look at how it can be improved. Counselling, CBT and cranial osteopathy have worked for me in addition to the distance emotionally and geographically from my family.


hth

Ewer123

Thank you for your reply, you and your husband sounds like you've got the right idea. It is all very sad that families end up like this, but you sound like your making a wonderful life for you and your family, in difficult circumstances.

I don't have any children but have a fantastic boyfriend. I think I will concentrate on this and making our life as full and happy as it can be.

:beer:

sassyblue

Ewer, l think the important thing is YOUR well being. It sounds like you are the one doing all the running around and then apologising when your sister is annoyed.

Maybe she thought with your big van you would do the majority of the selling and emptying of the house, whilst you are trying to get the best prices ebaying and car booting?

No matter, if you feel your sister is being unreasonable then take your own feelings into account. Don't expect your sister to behave how you want, maybe it's not in her nature or you're all still grieving, not only for your mum but for a childhood too.

Just let things be for now, l don't think you've done anything wrong.