Advice for a bridesmaid

minerva_windsong

The only thing I would say is really out of order is sending you the menu choices the day before - as other people have said, what if you were busy that day? I know as a bride-to-be that the amount of things you have to organise can be overwhelming, but I do think she should have given you a bit longer than that to decide.

Re: the invite - it's a nice gesture but not essential. She probably assumed that you wouldn't need one as by accepting the job of bridesmaid, you've confirmed that you're coming to the wedding.

Stag night - only one of my male friends' partners is coming on my hen, and none of my OH's female friends' partners are going on his stag. If you're not particularly close to the person then I don't think you should have to invite them to the stag or hen. I've been left alone for a weekend plenty of times when my OH has gone on a stag do and actually quite enjoyed having the freedom of being able to do what I wanted, so it might be worth trying to spin it as an opportunity for him - there must be things he likes doing that you don't, even if it's just watching a certain type of TV programme, and this weekend would give him the chance to do that.

Staying over the night before - I get why the bride wants to do this, but I also don't think it would be unreasonable for you and your partner to travel up together, you spend the evening with the bride and then go back to the hotel with your OH. The flip side to that is, if no-one else he knows is going to be there the night before, he could end up feeling a bit lonely. That's something you need to weigh up between you. However I would still be peeved that she'd only told me about this a week before - again who's to say you'd be able to travel on that date, afford the hotel, be unable to cancel a booking somewhere else etc?

Sitting alone in church/at the reception - I've been that person at my OH's brother's wedding and agree it was really awkward, so it might be worth a word to the bride to ask if your OH could sit with the people he knows during the ceremony and reception, or be on a table near to you so you can pop over and talk to each other between courses. Otherwise, in my experience as a bridesmaid you're not expected to stand at the front with the bride throughout the ceremony (I've only ever seen that done in American sitcoms) so it might also be possible that your OH could sit a couple of rows back and you could sit next to him once you've walked up the aisle with the bride. Plus as others have said it's not a huge amount of time out of the day and you'll be able to spend time together once the meal is over.

I don't think you're overreacting - I can totally understand why you want to be with your partner, especially when he doesn't know a lot of people there - but I do think in this instance your first loyalty is to the bride. My advice would therefore be to let go of the stuff that can't be changed now (the invite, the menu) and talk to the bride to see if you can come to a compromise on what could be changed, such as where he sits.

mandragora_2

It sounds as if he's not especially close to the bride and groom, and she's your friend really. Why don't you go and enjoy the day, and he enjoys a bit of time doing what he fancies with his friends elsewhere, doing something he wants to do during the day, and then joins you at the evening do?

Justengaged

Having only just got married (yay me) I would say you are NOT over reacting, I know everyone thinks it's about the couple getting married and what they want but it's not.

Whilst it is partially true it's their day, everyone involved is a human being and regardless if what the occasion is, everyone deserves to be treated respectfully.

IMHO I think that if he feels uncomfortable and would rather not go, and you are ok with it then I don't see the fuss if he didn't go.

We sat the bridesmaid and best man with their respective families so that it was easier for them and also their families. It can be difficult to keep everyone happy though so I would just bear in mind she won't be doing it on purpose...we do go a bit blinkered with "bride brain" and may not realise everything that's going on.

I suppose there are two options speak the her (if she's approachable and not in bride ills moment) and just gently mention it. Or if your partner really doesn't want to go let him stay home, their day will be one day, whereas your own relationship will be for much longer... Show him you support him and don't want him to be uncomfortable....he'll prob really appreciate that.

mountainofdebt

I can't believe that some people (and especially brides) are suggesting that at this late stage the OP's partner doesn't go.

It's not a case of being a bridezilla but I would be seriously naffed off if someone, at this late stage, pulled out (after I had presumably paid £40 or £50 for his meal) just because he was having a hissy fit about not being invited to the stag night or because he had to travel an hour (????) on his own, sit on his own during the service or not sit with his partner during the meal.

He's not 12 for goodness sake!

And before anyone asks yes I have been in his position when OH was best man for his friend!

Justengaged

Tootiemac, go with what feels right for the two of you.

Unfortunately it seems the thread is divided, with some people getting snippy at you and equally snippy with other ppl trying to give their opinion.

We all have different levels of tolerance of other peoples behaviours, so I think this is always going to be a split opinion on what you do, so I'd say go for what ever you think is best, and good luck

AmyTurtle

When my partner was a best man last year, I travelled 2 hours to the ceremony alone and sat with other people during the ceremony and meal. It was exactly the same for OH when I was bridesmaid for my best friend - I was on top table and he was sat with other people. In fact, my brother gets married next month and though I'm not a bridesmaid I've been sat on the top table to separate my warring parents (!) so he'll be with others again - it's pretty normal if one of you is part of the wedding party.

She could have given you more time with the menu choices but how long does it really take to look at a menu and made a decision?? If you just went to a restaurant you'd manage to make a menu decision in a few minutes.

As for the stag, if he's not friends with the groom it's perfectly normal for him not to be invited.

I think you're both being over-sensitive and a tad childish to be honest. Brides and grooms can't please everybody - if they changed stuff to suit you it would probably put someone else out. It's only 1 day.

ultimatedingbat

I would agree in terms of hte night before I would not want to travel to an event without my partner seeing as I am the driver and if I were to travel without him, he wouldn't get there. LEaving things till the last minute is attrocious. During the day however I would anticipate being seperated.