Advice for a bridesmaid

tootiemac

So I'm looking for some advice on a small situation I have, my best friend gets married in 2 weeks and I will be one of her bridesmaids. I'm very happy she asked me and have tried my hardest to be involved, only missing 1 shopping trip out of the whole experience.

But here's my issue, I feel kind of forgotten about, I didn't get an invite (I suppose not needed but would have been nice for my partners sake), I didn't get the menu choices until the day before they were due back and although not "best buddies" with her stb husband my partner didn't get invited to the stag do leaving him in alone while I went to the hen.

Now this is my first wedding and it has just been brought to my attention that my partner will have to sit by himself during the wedding ceremony and dinner (he will know people but not many).

Add to this that she wishes us there from the night before to stay in rooms arranged by her (again no space for partner) and the venue is a hrs drive away this means my partner also has to travel by himself.

This having only been made clear in the last week or so I feel left out about it all and my partner feels like he doesn't want to attend because it will be travel alone, sit alone and eat alone.

Are we both over reacting??

whitewing

I think she could have been more considerate BUT your partner will get to see you looking beautiful. It will only spoil things if you both choose to let it.

Trixsie1989

Hiya I can understand both sides having had this happen to me. The way I would deal with it is by talking to your friend, if you want to travel with him to,the wedding then do that, there is no reason why you couldn't stay in your own room with him the night before.ask if she could put him onto a table for the meal with some ppl he knows then he will not feel so alone and the meal is only a couple of hours out of the whole day. I personally am not having bridesmaids and grooms man on top table because they have partners and children and I did not want to break them up otherwise I would've had around 12 ppl on top table and that to me was a bit silly so we are having just me and oh and my dad n his mum on top table and then the bridesmaids, best man etc on the closest tables to us. Equally you could ask not to be sat at top table as I'm sure traditionally it's only chief bm that does that and then you could sit and eat with your h2b. Hope,this,helps xxx

mountainofdebt

I have to admit that in my opinion, yes you (both) are over-reacting.

tbh the night before the wedding I guess is supposed to be a girly night in a sleepover sort of way so unless there were other partners going AND he knew them he would feel like a spare part (well at least I would!)

As for the stag night, it is about the groom and his mates - not the groom, his mates and other partners of the bridemaids that he doesn't know.

As for the other issues, seriously you are way overthinking things and blowing them out of all proportion (well you're blowing every thing out of proportion really)

PolishBigSpender

To me sitting people separately from their partners is just weird and rude.

McKneff

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I have to admit that in my opinion, yes you (both) are over-reacting.

tbh the night before the wedding I guess is supposed to be a girly night in a sleepover sort of way so unless there were other partners going AND he knew them he would feel like a spare part (well at least I would!)

As for the stag night, it is about the groom and his mates - not the groom, his mates and other partners of the bridemaids that he doesn't know.

As for the other issues, seriously you are way overthinking things and blowing them out of all proportion (well you're blowing every thing out of proportion really)

Exactly this above..........................

Sazzarella

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I have to admit that in my opinion, yes you (both) are over-reacting.

tbh the night before the wedding I guess is supposed to be a girly night in a sleepover sort of way so unless there were other partners going AND he knew them he would feel like a spare part (well at least I would!)

As for the stag night, it is about the groom and his mates - not the groom, his mates and other partners of the bridemaids that he doesn't know.

As for the other issues, seriously you are way overthinking things and blowing them out of all proportion (well you're blowing every thing out of proportion really)

^ this. All of these things are 'the norm' for a wedding.

As for him being on his own, that will only be during the ceremony (approx 30mins) and during the meal (approx 2 hours) and during all the other times, drinks reception, wedding breakfast, evening reception etc you will be able to be with him.

I'm doing the girly sleepover the night before my wedding and I was planning on the bms/moh sitting on the top table and partners at another table until I realise I didn't have enough room so I have just put them all together on a different table. Also only 1 of the partners is going to OH's stag do as he isn't friends with any of the others. Likewise none of the best men/groomsmens partners are coming to the hen night as they're not my friends, more like acquaintances.

Anatidaephobia

tootiemac wrote: »

Now this is my first wedding and it has just been brought to my attention that my partner will have to sit by himself during the wedding ceremony and dinner (he will know people but not many).

Add to this that she wishes us there from the night before to stay in rooms arranged by her (again no space for partner) and the venue is a hrs drive away this means my partner also has to travel by himself.

This having only been made clear in the last week or so I feel left out about it all and my partner feels like he doesn't want to attend because it will be travel alone, sit alone and eat alone.

I can understand how you feel but I think this is a case of 'make the most of it and get on with it' anyway.

I went to a wedding where I only knew four people at the wedding and all four were sitting at the top table. I was really not looking forward to the day at all, tbh, but it was okay. The table I was sitting at was a collection of random people who didn't know each other but everybody made small chat (talking about how they knew the bride and groom etc - after all we all had mutual friends, obviously). I'm not particularly great at making conversation with strangers but everyone was in friendly, chatty, happy-wedding-mood and so it went okay. After the formalities and the meal, everyone relaxes and moves around and I ended up with half the top table sitting at my table with me.

It's unfortunate your partner has to drive an hour by himself but is that really a big sacrifice? I do think that your friend should've been clearer and more organised about her plans and kept you in the loop. But it hasn't happened and it would be an overreaction to fall out with someone over this.

Saveitandsee

I am providing my answers based on my own upcoming wedding and my experiences of others

tootiemac wrote: »

I didn't get an invite

Not really needed; the purpose of an invitation is to ask someone if they want to attend an event and they RSVP 'yes' or 'no'. Assuming that you had already accepted the role of bridesmaid, it's already a sure thing that you're going. Although I did give one to my bridesmaid as a keepsake

tootiemac wrote: »

I didn't get the menu choices until the day before they were due back

This is inappropriate; her point of view may have been that you could look, make a decision and get the choices in before the next day but what if you were busy? Your life does not revolve around her wedding. You should have been given the choices at the same time as everyone else. Not acceptable.

tootiemac wrote: »

although not "best buddies" with her stb husband my partner didn't get invited to the stag do leaving him in alone while I went to the hen.

My fiance and my bridesmaid's partner are not best mates and only know each other because of me and my bridesmaid's friendship. My fiance is not having a stag night but if he were, he would not be inviting my bridesmaids partner. I did not invite my fiance's best woman (best woman instead of a best man) on my hen and I did not invite mates of his male friends, why would I, when they are not my friends? A hen/stag do is for close friends and family of the bride/groom. I had a total of 5 girls on my hen, only my closest friends. As for the leaving him alone bit, I think this is a bit childish. Presumably your partner is a grown man and is perfectly capable of fending for himself whilst you are on a hen?

tootiemac wrote: »

it has just been brought to my attention that my partner will have to sit by himself during the wedding ceremony and dinner (he will know people but not many).

During the ceremony, and the dinner, your role is to be there to support the bride. During the ceremony, you will walk in before/after the bridesmaid and be either beside or behind her as a supporter, to help her if she is struggling with anything, or just to hand her tissues, hold her bouquet or deal with any issues, hence the title 'Brides Maid'. The role of the best man and/or any groomsmen is to do the same for the groom. Surely you don't expect to be able to go and sit with your partner at a time when your purpose is to support the bride?

During dinner, there is usually what is known as the 'top table'. On the top table are key players in the wedding including the bride, groom, their parents, the bridesmaid, the best man and any pageboys or flowergirls. Partners who are not playing a role in the wedding and who are there only as a guest do not usually sit on the top table, although some brides and grooms do allow them to, it is not the traditional way it is done.

There may well be other people there who don't know many people too. If she has done a table plan, she may have him sitting with other people who are also in this position or may seat him with the few people he does know, I don't know but that is what I would be doing.

tootiemac wrote: »

Add to this that she wishes us there from the night before to stay in rooms arranged by her (again no space for partner) and the venue is a hrs drive away this means my partner also has to travel by himself.

This having only been made clear in the last week or so I feel left out about it all and my partner feels like he doesn't want to attend because it will be travel alone, sit alone and eat alone.

I am also getting married away from home. As I want my bridesmaid there the night before the wedding, I have paid for her room for both nights but she was asked beforehand if this was okay and was told that I would not pay for her partner because he doesn't need to be there the first night; she's there to help with the preparations and as a support to me. Our hotel is per person not per room and it's very expensive - add to that that her partner sounds a bit like yours in that he doesn't like being left alone and would be a hindrance to the proceedings because he'd be expecting her to be at his side all the time rather than what she is supposed to be there for. HOWEVER this was made clear at the outset and she had the option of saying no. Advising you of this a week before and just expecting you to accept it is bang out of order.

tootiemac wrote: »

Are we both over reacting??

To some of it, yes but to other parts, no. Travelling alone, sitting alone and eating alone most definitely an over reaction. Your partner is an adult, not a child. Unless he has severe anxiety issues or needs assistance when travelling or eating then there really is no reason why he can't do it other than sheer petulance. It is unlikely (not impossible) that he will be the only guest who travels, sits and eats alone - and he won't be alone, there will be other people there and again unless he has a social disorder, there is nothing stopping him from striking up a conversation with someone and getting to know them, this is how we meet friends and partners, after all. If nobody else is having to do this then I do think it wouldn't have hurt the bride any to make an exception for your partner. For example, we didn't allow people to bring plus 1's if they didn't have a partner but knew other people who would be there. But for one of my friends who knows no-one and who doesn't have a partner, we did extend her a plus one because there is literally no-one at our wedding who she knows (not even as an acquaintance)

To the menu choices a day before and only letting you know about the hotel the week before, this is not an over reaction, she has not handled that well at all.

Whether or not it is your first wedding, some of the responsibility falls on you to find out etiquette for weddings and about your role of a bridesmaid. For extra roles (such as being at the hotel the night before) this should be explained at the point of asking you but everything else you are capable of finding out about before accepting the role. I know general wedding etiquette and the role of being a bridesmaid but traditions are constantly changing so if I was asked, I would either ask the bride what would be expected of me in that role, or I would be doing an internet search to find out before I accepted the role.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

it's for the groom to invite his mates and buddies to the stag do, might've been one of the 'naughty' Riga or Newcastle weekends, would you have been happy then?

Lavendyr

My thoughts only

tootiemac wrote: »

But here's my issue, I feel kind of forgotten about, I didn't get an invite (I suppose not needed but would have been nice for my partners sake)

I think this is weird. When we sent out our wedding invites we sent them to everyone - including bridesmaids!

tootiemac wrote: »

I didn't get the menu choices until the day before they were due back

This is also weird and inconsiderate of your friend.

tootiemac wrote: »

and although not "best buddies" with her stb husband my partner didn't get invited to the stag do leaving him in alone while I went to the hen.

This I think is OK. There's no reason your partner should be invited to the stag just because you're going to the hen. My husband's been on stag dos where I haven't been asked to go to the hen, and vice versa. So I wouldn't get bothered about this.

tootiemac wrote: »

Now this is my first wedding and it has just been brought to my attention that my partner will have to sit by himself during the wedding ceremony and dinner (he will know people but not many).

Although we didn't do this ourselves, this is normal for most weddings where there is a top table. In our case we didn't really have a top table as such but we had a circular table with me & hubby, best man & his girlfriend and chief bridesmaid & her boyfriend. That was our choice though and it was a bit unusual.

tootiemac wrote: »

Add to this that she wishes us there from the night before to stay in rooms arranged by her (again no space for partner) and the venue is a hrs drive away this means my partner also has to travel by himself.

I don't think this is unusual. All my bridesmaids stayed with me the night before the wedding (they offered, I didn't have to ask). Their husbands and boyfriends travelled up the following day, some from over two hours away. They were fine with this. I really don't think that this is a big deal.

tootiemac wrote: »

This having only been made clear in the last week or so I feel left out about it all and my partner feels like he doesn't want to attend because it will be travel alone, sit alone and eat alone.

Leaving this all to the last minute for you to be informed is fairly out of order. However, the bride probably has a lot of organising on her mind (I know I did!) and it may have been an honest mistake. As others have said, the bridesmaid's role is to support the bride, and she will need your support on the day and beforehand. She may just not have realised that you didn't know about how things would work.

Also, does she know you haven't been to a wedding before? If not, then she probably thought you knew what would be expected in terms of seating, staying the night before etc.

As for your partner, I think to be honest he needs to accept that it's not his day, or your day, or your day as a couple, it's someone else's big day and although he may not enjoy the prospect of sitting without you, chances are he will be sat with nice people who he can get talking to (most people mix their guests up at weddings but try to put people together who they think will get on).