Friendship dynamics and differences of personality

sapphireeye

I've been having difficulties with a friend, someone who was once my best friend but I'm not sure that she is anymore. It's led me to wonder whether friendships can work when the dynamics change and when you have very different personalities?

The specific difficulties in our case have been changes in our lives impacting on how much we see each other, differing expectations and differing approaches to the friendship. I feel I've been very flexible as a friend, for example in 2009 she started a seasonal job abroad and did that for 4.5 years. I'm the sort of person who has a few close friends rather than a crowd so obviously I missed her. We kept in touch by email and sometimes she didn't reply for weeks and weeks and we could only see each other a few times a year but I accepted her choices and that she was busy. However the tables turned in the last year, we're both in the UK but I've been the one with the hectic lifestyle and my friend hasn't been very accommodating, instead seeming to expect our friendship to return to what it was last time she was living in the UK when we were both single, spent a lot of time together and I could go along with her last minute plans. This isn't the case now, my life is so busy that I have to make solid plans but she never seems keen to tie herself down to anything.

I suppose the crux of the matter is that we've always been very different in that I am super organised and like to make plans in advance whereas she is always late and makes plans at the last minute. However previously I was less busy than I am now so was often available at late notice, whereas as I've got older and had more responsibilities, changing priorities and etc, this is no longer the case. I don't know if I'm at fault or not because I don't expect her to change but I've been considerate and open to her way of managing the friendship in the past, and I now need her to be more considerate of my needs.

So my question is, can you maintain friendships with people who are different to you in the way they approach friendships? How do you manage expectations so that you're both on the same wavelength as to how much you see each or contact each other? And I suppose finally, is it these changing dynamics which often signal the end of friendships or is there a way to survive it? Is it just about both parties being flexible?

Out of interest, as adults (I'm coming up 27) how much do you expect to see or hear from your friends? Do you still consider someone a friend if you don't hear from them for a while or do you expect a certain amount of contact for them to still be considered a friend?

Person_one

Reading between the lines, have you become part of a couple while she was away?

I'm 29, I have a group of very close friends and we all have very different circumstances (married, single, single parent, various time consuming jobs/careers/families/hobbies etc) and we try to meet up all together at least once a month, 6 weeks tops. I'd still consider them friends if it was longer but we enjoy each other's company so none of us want to go any longer inbetween full group 'catch ups'.

I see other friends on a one to one basis more often, because that's easier to arrange. I do think that sometimes you have to be flexible in order to maintain a good friendship. You need a combination of spontaneous stuff and well planned stuff!

meritaten

people change, their circumstances change and yes, you can have different expectations and still remain friends. but, the key to this is 'acceptance' on both sides. if she refuses to consider your changed circumstances and your need to make firm arrangements in advance - then perhaps your friendship will become more 'casual' in future? some people form best friendships in childhood and they remain strong all their lives - with others though friendships can change and new friends take place of the old ones. I think you need to have a good talk with her and see where that takes you.

my secondary school best friend (we were very close for about ten years) met a guy and moved away when we were both about 22, we stayed close by letter and phone calls until she had her first child a couple of years later - then it seemed we didn't have ANYTHING in common! I was tbh, rather bored with all the 'baby' chat and I was a bit shallow and just interested in 'teenage' things. so our friendship dwindled and died, apart from Birthday cards and Christmas cards with a few pages of 'news' put in.
I really regret that, as a few years later I married and had kids and totally understood where SHE had been a few years previously. I regret not trying to revive our friendship as she was a lovely girl. I regretted it even more when her sister rang me out of the blue to say that she had died during a routine operation.

sapphireeye

Person_one wrote: »

Reading between the lines, have you become part of a couple while she was away?

Yes but that's not the reason I'm busy (though it does mean I have a bit less time)! I didn't want to have to go into it because it's so long winded, but basically I started university while she was away but in a city 150 miles away. I lived there most of the time for the first 2 years and during one of the holiday periods I met my boyfriend back at home. I then had a year out for medical reasons, had to move back in with my parents and struggled with deciding whether to return to university, partly for financial reasons. Instead I decided to stay living at home so I could stay working 2 days a week in the job I'd been working at during the latter part of my year out where I wasn't ill (which was relevant to my degree so worth keeping), see my boyfriend at weekends and then I drove to university and stayed in my university city for the other 3 days of the week for lectures/uni work etc. Also for 3 months I was on a full-time placement even further away from home and lived away during that time. So since last September I've been here there and everywhere, trying to juggle work, university lectures, university essays, university placements and making time for family/boyfriend/friends. The way I saw it though was that I'd still be able to see my friend more than if I'd stayed living in my university city full-time or if she was still abroad.

I think my friend does blame my boyfriend however I obviously have still had to make time to see him as well, though I obviously didn't have a boyfriend last time she was living permanently in the UK.

hoglet121

Sometimes I think friendships do run their course, and trying to force something to happen only prolongs the inevitable. On the other hand I have a few friends, who I still consider to be good friends, who I hear from once or twice a year - granted my moving to the other side of the world didn't help regular friend visiting - but that still doesn't really stop me from thinking of them as good friends.

As your priorities change that will always have an impact on the amount of time you have available to spend with friends, especially at short notice, but I try not to rate friendships based on just time spent together (i.e. none now!) but willingness to skype, reply to emails etc. One of my friends, who I had considered to be my best friend for years, has ignored all my requests to skype and this year failed to even reply to the message I sent her wishing her happy birthday, or to contact me after I sent her a Christmas card. Every so often I get a breezy 'sorry I know I'm bad at keeping in contact, I will try harder I promise' email but nothing changes. It makes me a bit sad, but I've left all channels open to her and I'm never going to write off our friendship.

Anatidaephobia

sapphireeye wrote: »

We kept in touch by email and sometimes she didn't reply for weeks and weeks and we could only see each other a few times a year but I accepted her choices and that she was busy. However the tables turned in the last year, we're both in the UK but I've been the one with the hectic lifestyle and my friend hasn't been very accommodating, instead seeming to expect our friendship to return to what it was last time she was living in the UK when we were both single, spent a lot of time together and I could go along with her last minute plans. This isn't the case now, my life is so busy that I have to make solid plans but she never seems keen to tie herself down to anything.

I suppose the crux of the matter is that we've always been very different in that I am super organised and like to make plans in advance whereas she is always late and makes plans at the last minute.

I would've thought that if she wants to see you and spend time with you, she would agree to organise some solid plans in advance, even if that is not the way she normally prefers to operate. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, is it possible that she doesn't realise how busy you are and hasn't accepted the fact that you do need to make plans in advance now? Perhaps that needs to be made clearer if she hasn't got the message.

sapphireeye

Thanks all for your responses so far, I know friendships die off, I suppose it just feels silly to me that it should die once we're both in the same country again! However I suppose I've gotten used to not having her round so much and she wasn't sure if she was ever going to come back to the UK so perhaps I just adjusted to the situation.

In terms of talking to her about it, a couple of months ago I sent a text explaining that it was more difficult to meet up now. She took it the wrong way and sent a text that made me cry which basically said I wasn't making enough effort to see her or keep in contact, even though I felt like I was doing the best that I could manage. I said all of this to her and tried to get her to see things from my point of view back then and explained I needed to make plans in advance but I don't think she really took it on board.

I have been feeling like despite her saying to me that I wasn't putting enough effort, she clearly can't or doesn't want to make solid plans with me in advance and therefore is not willing to make me a priority or put in the effort to see me anymore.

She's now moved further away into the other side of London so she lives and works there whereas I live in the South East on the other side of London (and don't work in London). She's also just entered into a relationship. I recently suggested a half way meeting point and a girly day out and she said it sounded great, asked what date I could do, I replied and once again she didn't respond. So perhaps our friendship will become more casual or will come to an end.

fredtheguava

sapphireeye wrote: »

I suppose the crux of the matter is that we've always been very different in that I am super organised and like to make plans in advance whereas she is always late and makes plans at the last minute.

I have definitely found it harder to maintain friendships in my mid-to-late-twenties than ever before. People's priorities do shift, and you either find a way through it - together - or don't.

The above stood out to me. My best friend, of 12 years, is more like your friend; she's very spontaneous, hates to be pinned down, and is always available for people to say 'I'm nearby, fancy a coffee?' I'm not at all like that - I have Asperger's, which makes that kind of interaction hard for me - but she knows that, and accommodates my need for things to be planned in advance. It means we maybe don't grab every opportunity to spend half an hour nattering that we could (and I'm working on that!) but it also means that we have a regular arrangement to have dinner together. Our lives are both very busy with work, partners, pets, etc. but we value that relationship and both put the effort in. It doesn't sound like your friend is doing their bit to make the friendship work, unfortunately, and you might have to accept that she doesn't value it as much as you do.