Feeling forgotten about, but annoyed at self.

aileth

Hi,

I'm feeling a bit annoyed, though I'm a bit angry at myself for doing so. As many will know, I'm not terribly fond of my family-in-law, so I'm annoyed at myself for actually caring what they say.

My brother-in-law got married a few weeks ago. I've just seen comments on Facebook (devil of devils) from MIL talking about him, that she's still waiting for grandkids (sounding really put out, when we talked to her about kids about a year ago she went full on the offensive trying to put us off and wait), and that BIL got married two weeks ago so hopefully he will have some soon, bla bla bla.

And I just think, what about us? We've been married for four years, and the whole family seem to have discounted that we'll have kids. It's constantly brought up when they're talking to BIL and never, ever mentioned to us, even after we just got married. I just feel like because we haven't started making babies instantly that we're for some reason not going to have them, or, based on what MIL said to us last year, that we shouldn't have them for some reason.

My husband and I had a few rocky patches, but things are better than ever. We've agreed between us that we will have kids when we move to a nicer area and pay off debt, within the next five years, rather than being unable to give the baby the best possible.

Sorry for the rant, it has just upset me, wholly unreasonably I know, but I feel like we're the couple that have been forgotten about and feel like lesser beings because we're not making babies. I feel really pathetic now.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

Perhaps you need to delete these people off social media - you are only getting yourself into a muddle. Also, you may be reading a little too much into it; you say the MIL "sounded really put out" - can't really get too much context from a social media site, perhaps that is just the way she said it at the time and you're taking it the wrong way.

But definitely delete, get your OH to keep in touch, they are his family, not yours.

itsanne

Aileth, you can't win with this one. It would be even more annoying if your MIL was going on about how you should have kids for years on end - been there, have the t-shirt. This seems to have hit a nerve, so there's maybe more going on in your decisions re when to have a child than you realise.

Other than that, stop looking at Facebook. You don't get on anyway, so what's the point of looking at what she's saying? Leave your husband to deal with her.

aileth

I know, I just can't help it, I know how stupid it is.

I feel more annoyed for OH really. In his eyes his family can do NO wrong, which really frustrates me when he gets forgotten about, or discounted, our birthdays both forgotten, etc...

And yes re decisions, I would have kids now if I could, but I want to wait. Part of me also thinks that if we did have kids they'd also be forgotten, which makes me really, really sad.

staple28

Yes you woud be more annoyed if you had them always asking when you are going to have babies and pressuring you which is what i have at the moment!!

aileth

I don't know really. I think then at least they'd actually consider us capable of having kids, rather than discounting us because we are actually waiting till a good time, and therefore that obviously means never and we are slowly shifting into forgotten oblivion.

susieq87

i dont know the history with your FIL but judging from what you just posted it seems that your mil has now left you to it. you said that you got married a few years ago and you havent had kids yet so maybe she has realised that she'll be beating a dead horse and to be honest she was banging on about you and your OH having babies you'll probably get annoyed at that too since you said you both know when you want to have babies.
seems to me like you want the attention in this case. shouldnt you be happy that she's leaving you guys alone on the babies front?

aileth

susieq87 wrote: »

i dont know the history with your FIL but judging from what you just posted it seems that your mil has now left you to it. you said that you got married a few years ago and you havent had kids yet so maybe she has realised that she'll be beating a dead horse and to be honest she was banging on about you and your OH having babies you'll probably get annoyed at that too since you said you both know when you want to have babies.
seems to me like you want the attention in this case. shouldnt you be happy that she's leaving you guys alone on the babies front?

This is true, but I think what has upset me the most is the one time we actually mentioned the possibility of starting a family to her, she got really quite uppity saying that we shouldn't, why would we want to do that, etc etc, being quite aggressive in dissuading us, and even before BIL got married she was banging on and on about how she'll have grand kids soon, etc, so it's like she doesn't think we should have kids.

The only person who has ever mentioned kids to us was her friend, who asked if we were having kids, we told her, and she said that MIL really wanted grandkids. When we talked to MIL about it, that's when she got on the aggressive disuasion...

I guess she just doesn't think we'd be good parents.

Person_one

aileth wrote: »

I don't know really. I think then at least they'd actually consider us capable of having kids, rather than discounting us because we are actually waiting till a good time, and therefore that obviously means never and we are slowly shifting into forgotten oblivion.

Maybe they don't right now, after all the ups and downs in your marriage, they'd sort of be right wouldn't they?

You recognise yourself that it wouldn't be sensible to have them now so I'm struggling to understand why you're upset that you aren't being pressured to!

Person_one

aileth wrote: »

I guess she just doesn't think we'd be good parents.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was doubting your husband's ability to be a good parent, just based on your posts on here about his behaviour over the years.

aileth

I know, I'm also struggling to understand why I feel upset. Half of me is upset, the other half is angry at the fact I'm upset over something so stupid.

MIL and FIL don't know about the ups and downs in our marriage, nor what a lazy b*stard their son was, as far as I know anyway. He never discusses anything like that with them. The only family who know are my parents, as I lived with them when we had a break.

We have never told any of his family that we were waiting till the right time because they've never asked, neither before marriage, after marriage. They don't know if we want kids, whether we don't etc. I probably wouldn't feel upset if they knew, but it's like they don't care, they only care about whether BIL has them, we are totally irrelevent.