What do you do when?

eamon

Hello Folks

What do you do when your near neighbour is abusing his wife? (certainly verbally I don't know if there is physical) Some background info. The are both around 70yo and sadly his wife has Parkinsons (quite advanced and she is on a cocktail of drugs) and is also experiencing dementia though the drugs to counteract the parkinsons may be having an impact here. He is her carer, I think they have a daily visit from a health care provider but I'm not sure.

I know he loves her as I've known both of them since before the Parkinsons got worse and have heard many of their tales of following Rugby League and motor racing all over Europe. Now their quality of life is so different and incredibly demanding. But listening to his rage at his wifes inability to now do the simplest of tasks and her crying in response is heartbreaking. IMHO he (and her) can't carry on with the present arrangement neither party is doing well out of it.

Can I have your opinions on what options I could explore in offering help and a solution(s)?

yours

Eamon

nearlyrich

How sad, they must be so frustrated and unhappy...do they have any close family you could speak to? If not then please call social services and tell them what is happening.

Tropez

Before we go down the road of social services reports and the rest of it, is it at all possible that you or someone they know could help a bit? It's quite possible that his rage is simply stress-induced at the fact he now feels trapped in the home and desperately needs a break - even if it is just for an hour or two while he goes to the pub or something.

It may be asking too much as obviously I don't know the extent of either conditions but possibly just a few hours to himself every few days might be enough to alleviate a lot of the frustration he is experiencing.

good_advice

Could you offer to sit with her 2 hours a week?
Not a solution but he could go out and have a break.

A few years ago a neighbour use to cut the grass of the old lady next to him. It was no bother to him and the old lady was thankful.

LEJC

i think for the first stage you should try and find out a little more about the situation...
are you in a position to talk to the neighbour and perhaps offer some help...however small or insignificant and perhaps mention that you appreciate things are difficult because you hear their flustrations.


Its very difficult to get involved with and probably you might not find the husband wants help or is indeed to proud to admit that he needs help...
I went through dementia with a parent a few years back and it is a very testing time for everyone and to be honest I probably shouted at my parent and they responded equally loudly on occaision...and I would have hated it to know that a close neighbour was contemplating going to SS as a result of what they heard going on in our house sometimes!!!
having said that the situation does sound as if it needs a to be assessed...you say that there is a daily visit from a healthcare pro...is it possible to perhaps speak to them to moot a little of your concern...

Morglin

Dementia and things like Parkinsons are murderous for everyone, so perhaps you could offer a little help, and gently suggest that the husband contacts Social Services himself to get an assessment for his wife, and an assessment for him (as carer) to try and get support?

Terribly sad situation.

Lin

Aldeney

I recently suspected a neighbour of child abuse and was unsure whether to go to social services so discussed the issue with the NSPCC who took the decision to pass it on to social services. So if you are unsure about the situation with your neighbours it may be worth discussing the issue with Age UK or Dementia UK to see if they can offer advice or assistance.

Confusedandneedhelp

Perhaps it's better to speak to the local community NHS trust. He might just need a break, respite care is provided. A week of rest is all he might need.

Mojisola

It sounds as if he isn't coping with her increasing needs.

If they don't shout about this to SS, they will be left to struggle on in what is obviously a difficult situation. I'd have to try to help them - see if the couple would accept you fighting for more help for them, talk to the carer who comes in, phone SS and ask to speak to someone, see if there is a local Parkinsons support group who may be able to help, etc.

purpleshoes_2

She has parkinsons and dementia and he screams at her because she cant do the simplest of tasks? It is a difficult one, but I wouldnt sit back and do nothing, particularly as you can hear her crying.

I would talk to age concern or dementia uk, but just because respite might be offered, he may not accept it.

They both need support, but shes not in a position to be able to speak out about what's happening due to her conditions and the fact that shes visibly distressed is concerning.

eamon

Thought I'd post an update on this sad situation. Another neighbour shared my sentiments and did act. She called SS and to their great credit were quick to visit and intervene. From what I understand things are much improved. The couple now have greater support in place such as increased phyical/caring help and improved access to respite care when needed. Also from what I can gather a move to a care home/supported living environment is being explored in detail. I hope they find a good satisfactory outcome that meets both their needs.