Help for relative with alcohol/drug problems

NoAngel

Please could somebody point us in the right direction for who to turn to.

I have a relative who is 40 and has a long history of alcohol and drug abuse along with a probable diagnosis of bipolar disorder (though the doctor wouldn't take this any further until the drug problem was under control). Over the last few months his behaviour has been extremely destructive, going out on drug/alcohol binges followed by being abusive and ultimately ending up in hospital. Then he inevitably ends up staying with various family members until he upsets somebody and moves on to the next one (steals, trashes their house etc).

I supported him through a drug detox which was successful for 9 weeks before the next binge started. It's at the point where nobody can offer him a bed. He's staying with his very elderly father at the moment but it's completely inappropriate.

He is basically homeless but we don't know what to do- we can't just ask him to leave but he can't stay with his father either. Is there anywhere we can seek advice from about where he can go?

Sorry if this post comes across as very harsh, we've supported him for years through this and it's becoming impossible to continue.

lobbyludd

didn't want to read and run. first have you got support for yourself? addiction is complex and destructive, not just for the addict and it can turn those in the orbit of the addict against one-another, poisoning relationships with misplaced blame and hurt.

for your own support I can suggest al-anon, or your local drug and alcohol team (google "alcohol and drug team X-location") although it's not everyone's cup of tea - Alcohol concern and other charities can also offer support although it is mostly targeted at the person with an addiction.

your post is not harsh, and anyone whoo has dealt with the misery that addiction causes will understand the horrendous position you and your family are in.

My ex husband is an alcoholic and my sadly recently deceased aunt was also. Her GP was able to arrange a social worker who specialised in alcohol dependency for her. However, because of patient confidentiality and the inevitable lies that accompany addiction, the support she was receiving remained secret until she died.

so - I might suggest that first you get support for yourself, second you support his father to let your addicted relative stand on his own feet (even if that means he flounders), and you then alert his gp and step back?

sorry - I know that's probably not helpful - it wasn't helpful to me when I started out on this journey either. good luck

Savvy_Sue

lobbyludd wrote: »

sorry - I know that's probably not helpful - it wasn't helpful to me when I started out on this journey either. good luck

You may not feel it's helpful, but it's the truth, and nothing else is any use in this situation.

NO-ONE can help an addict until they are ready to help themselves.

You CAN just ask them to leave.

sax11

if they are stealing and trashing a house then report them to the police

a term inside will rectify their drug/alcohol dependence

nlj1520

Didn't want to post and run as I have huge sympathy for what you and your family are going through. My father and a close friend are both recovered alcoholics. The close friend went through rehab and has been dry 3 years now. She has her life right back on track. My father went 'cold turkey' (something I now know is extremely dangerous) as a result of a fall where he broke his shoulder and so he couldn't drive and my step-mom refused to buy him any alcohol. As they live in a remote area that was that. Both had reached the stage where they wanted to give up. An addict must want to stop in order for any attempt to work. It is really hard.
Could you try contacting a local mental health charity? Addiction is seen as a mental health problem and they may be able to offer support and advice to you and your relative.
I second the advice given by another poster that you make sure you and the rest of your family get support in place for yourselves. The wear and tear on the rest of the family is immense.
Your post did not sound in the least bit harsh.......you have all tried to support your relative and have reached the end of your tethers. Perfectly reasonable and understandable and well done for going so far. Now it's time to look after the rest of the family.
All the very, very best wishes.

dandelionclock30

Until he really wants to change he wont. Thats all there is to it.
Give him the number of the local drug/alcohol team and the homeless section and support him with making the phone calls if he wants this.
In reality there's probably not that many places he can go as everywhere is often full to bursting. However a worker from the homeless team can help with doing an assessment, advice/help with filling in forms getting him on waiting lists or sorting out emergency accomodation if available.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/, these can offer you some support as well.

NoAngel

Thank you for your posts. I've contacted al-anon and will attend one of their upcoming meetings to see what support they can provide.

I suppose the most pressing problem is where he should live. He doesn't have his own place and was living in a hotel but eventually trashed the place and got thrown out, hence being back with his father and step-mother. I'm going over today to see if I can speak to him but I really think he should be finding elsewhere to live- I'm not sure he can function well enough to arrange this though.

hazyjo

My bipolar BF did not quit drugs completely til we moved away. If they're still near people who give them, use them or encourage them, they don't stand a bloody chance. Unfortunately coke (especially) and bipolar often go hand in hand.

NA didn't work long term - nor did stints in rehab.

BF has been clean for 14 months due to no stress, no work apart from at home, and him not going out with his friends. A big sacrifice, but it seems to work for us so far. He's prob borderline agoraphobic, but it's better than an early death and both being stressed and upset beyond comprehension.

Good luck. Horrible battle.

Good luck. Oh, and do NOT take it as a failure upon yourselves if they let you down/fall off the wagon.

Jx

geoffky

sax11 wrote: »

if they are stealing and trashing a house then report them to the police

a term inside will rectify their drug/alcohol dependence

You are very much mistaken....Widely available inside....And the problem is when there is a shortage..They use another drug...

NoAngel

geoffky wrote: »

You are very much mistaken....Widely available inside....And the problem is when there is a shortage..They use another drug...

Thank you. His father and I discussed this at the weekend, and I was saying that I don't think it would help him to give up the drugs. As it is he will take anything (cannabis, cocaine, heroin to name a few), so I'm sure he'd get hold of something.

He's hopefully sorting out somewhere more permanent to live this week. The family can't go out as they won't leave him home alone, so it really can't be long term.

He doesn't want to improve by the way- he has no intentions of stopping taking drugs or drinking and basically makes this clear when we ask him about it. That's the worst part- it's extremely difficult to help someone who is happy with the way things are.

ladeeda

It does get to a stage where it's impossible to continue supporting one who seems determined on self destruction. Regardless of what this guy is like when free from head issues & substance use, when using he is likely to be a risk to his dad (physically, emotionally & financially) so he needs to be out of that house.

Can't help with specific organisations as I'm in a different country just wanted to say that you are headed in the right direction now. A bit of help getting him somewhere to live and then it's up to him. Sounds like you & family have done all they can.

I did this last year after over 20 years supporting some one, it just gets to the point where you are so exhausted with it you can't carry on. It's guilt wrenching, soul destroying stuff walking away, but sometimes that is all you can do.

The people you meet at al anon will be your best source of advice and practical information. Make the most of them.

Just wanted to say strength to you & your family.