Long lost friend, sons funeral

paigesaunt

Hello all
Years ago when I was very young and my children were small, I had a very good friend and neighbour. Being much younger than her, she taught me a lot about life and other things, we were very close.

I moved to a new area, still close but we lost touch, although she remained in the same house, so there is no reason at all for me not to have visited before now, except laziness!

Sadly her youngest son died last week, obviously spending so much time with each other back in the day, he was a big part of our friendship, such as looking after each other's children etc.
I have made enquiries from another neighbours daughter, if it would be appropriate for me to attend the funeral or not, and have been told of course I would be welcome. My concern is, I have no idea how to conduct myself, it's such a sad occasion.
Do I make myself known and hug her (like I want to) or do I just stay in the background, and go and see her in a few weeks time.

I don't want to be one of those hypocritical people making a beeline for the bereaved person whom they haven't seen for donkeys years, but I also don't want her to think I don't care!

What are the general rules and views of people

Many thanks

mcja

Take your lead from her. Make sure she knows you are there and leave a message with your current address and contact number in your card so that she can call you when she feels up to it.


I would imagine a big hug would be well needed on such a sad day.

nearlyrich

I was in a similar position a few weeks ago a friend who I hadn't seen for a while who actually doesn't live that far away, lost a grown up child. I gave her a call had a chat said my condolences and she asked me to come to the funeral which I did. I don't feel guilty for not seeing her, we didn't fall out just our lives diverged as happens a lot..if you care go and show her you care.

growler834

We buried my mum 2 weeks ago & I was amazed & grateful to see several old friends & neighbours at her funeral (2 were childhood friends of my brother & they are in their 50s now). They came to pay their respects to us outside the church & although dad hadn't seen some of them for years it brought him great comfort to know that they thought enough about mum to come to her funeral. So don't feel awkward about attending & then speaking to your old friend after the service. You can always send her a sympathy card first so she knows you have heard the news & are thinking of her & the family - it won't be too much of a surprise then when you attend the funeral.

paigesaunt

Thank you all so much, I have sent a card and she does know I'm planning on attending the funeral.
I think you are right, it is pleasing for the family to see that people from past and present have made the effort to pay their respects, it's not something you would choose to do.

Really dreading it though, he was the baby of 4 boys

Thanks again, really appreciate you views

lollipopsarah

You don't have to stay if you feel awkward, but I'm sure she will appreciate your taking the time to respect her loss.
Best wishes.
xx

meritaten

Go, you can stay in the background if want. but, your presence there will be appreciated.
I was undecided about a persons funeral, I was her babysitter, but when she grew up I didn't know her. when I heard she had died, I was really upset and felt I had to attend her funeral. it helped me really. but, I heard later that the family had known I was there. and that they were touched that me (and many others) had taken the time to come.

TrickyWicky

I don't think you can really plan how to behave. Just go and play it by ear - funerals are hard enough as it is without putting pressure on yourself to get it right.

Just go, see what happens. I went to one recently - death of an unborn baby. The mum (a relative) used to be like a sister to me but we've grown apart and only spoke a handful of times in 15 years. Like you I had no idea how to behave so I just turned up and paid my respects, went to the wake and .. well we talked - not much but enough to show we still cared about family.

honeypop

paigesaunt wrote: »

Do I make myself known and hug her (like I want to) or do I just stay in the background, and go and see her in a few weeks time.

Yes, definitely approach her. In my experience, it brings great comfort to the family to see people attend the funeral of your loved one, whether they are current friends, old friends, people who just knew of them, people who just knew a family member, whatever the connection is.

What I found hard, is that hardly anyone who we didn't already know well, came up to us to speak, let us know they were there, who they were, or how they knew my sister. I know they don't have to but we were left wondering who a lot of people had been, whether so-and-so had been there, as in our grief on the day we couldn't really take in who was there and who everyone was. There were over 100 people at the service and we couldn't face looking around to see who else was there, so really we only 'saw' those who came up to us, or who joined the wake afterwards. About half only attended the service and left afterwards, and we are left wondering who came, who they were, we couldn't even thank them for coming.

So to anyone who attends a funeral, I encourage you to speak to the family, let them know you are there, don't assume they've seen you or have acknowledged your presence, or know who you are, don't think they want to be left alone. It means so much to them, and a lot of what goes on that day might not register with them through the grief.