I feel disdain towards my own family. I don't know why exactly, though.

kingslayer

I have no idea why I feel like this, I just do. I currently live with my dad and we get on okay (sometimes), but as for my eldest brother and sister, my cousins, aunt/uncle, extended family, I just feel disdain towards them.

My mother died when I was 13 and since then my family hasn't been the same. My brother won't speak to my sister and vice versa; my brother doesn't speak to my aunt & uncle; my sister wasn't talking to my uncle/aunt, but they are now, amongst other things.

this is so long i don't want to go through it all, but to cut a long story short. After my mum died my sister's husband went to jail. My sister claimed my uncle went to her home and forced himself on her, my dad was angry and my brother threatened my uncle. my cousins threatened my sister for lying etc.

Anyway, forward on a little while, my sister randomly stops talking to my brother and his wife. They haven't spoken for years now.

My sister is now best of chums with the same cousins who threatened her and she now spends more time with my aunt and uncle (the same uncle who she claimed forced himself on her) than her own father. That annoys me.

The thing is, my dad got inheritance after my nan died a few years ago and even my other cousin who is my dad's brother's daughter has stopped talking to my dad due to my nan not leaving money for her daughter. They were more upper class and led a good life; her husband writes music and I actually thought highly of them. It hurt when my own uncle's daughter, my father's niece has just stopped talking to my dad and it seems like they were just using my nan so she would leave money for them, well that's what it seems like.

I think losing my nan was a big thing for me. She was a great lady and she gave me motivation. She got really sick towards the end and there was nothing else we could do. She died at the age of 89, so she lived a good life, travelled the world and lived comfortably.

My dad's other brother seemed to have connived his way into living with my nan with his wife. His wife treated my nan like dirt and eventually karma struck and she died of stomach cancer. After my nan died, my uncle was left the house which was worth nearly £400,000 as well as inheritance money. My dad was left with half that and to me that annoyed me as my dad was the one constantly there for my nan, whereas my uncle has been conniving and never said a word when he knew how his wife was treating my nan.

My mum's side of the family I feel the most disdain for, though. After my mum died it just seemed like no one cared any more. They all say they do, but yet they did what they did. My brother and sister rarely call my dad, my sister is too busy being chummy with my aunt & uncle and never calls my dad. The only time she bothered to contact him was for money for her daughter's deposit. It just seems like i have a selfish family and it really annoys me. Even my brother would do work for my dad and charge him money.

Anyway, sorry for the large story. I just thought I'd try get some advice.

egoode

First remember you can't change their behaviour you can only change yours and how you react to them. Everyone has their own side of a story and no one will ever fully understand things. I've got a similarly messed up family at the moment where certain family member will only talk to this member of the family and not that one and sometimes won't got to family events because a family member they won't talk to is there.

While it's seriously frustrating I've decided that for me I'll talk to any family member no matter how irritating I find them sometimes as they are the only ones that have known me my whole life and I'll never have that relationship with anyone else. While my sister currently won't have much to do with me for god knows why (she won't talk about it so how are we ever meant to resolve it!). I won't push it but I'm leaving the lines of communication open by still contacting her on birthday and easter/christmas. I let her know when I'm in Australia and leave it up to her if she wants to catch up or not. However I don't let her behaviour upset me any more as I can't be bothered with childish behaviour. If you have a problem with me tell me what it is and we can maybe work together to resolve it but I'm not going to bust my gut trying to fix something when she's clearly not interested in doing so at the moment.

Sometimes you just have to ignore what's happening in your family and just do what you want for yourself and try not to get too involved in the family politics.

BucksLady

Hi Kingslayer, having read your post the saying 'you can choose your friends, but not your family' came to mind. I'm not in the least bit surprised that you harbour feelings of disdain towards certain members of your family - they haven't always behaved in a kind or just way. However, holding on to negative feelings towards any one of them isn't going to change the way things were or are today. I know it isn't easy to forget about what has happened, but try not to focus on 'what has been'. Reading between the lines, you appear to be a sensitive and caring person - maybe an example to other family members, who in due course may learn from you.
I wish you well and happiness for the future