Mum & Dad

CouldHaveBeenFamily

Hello

I'm looking for advice and other people's opinions/experiences that have been in a similar situation.

My mum and dad have been together for over 30years. Their relationship is a typical abusive one with my dad always being the aggressor.

I have witnessed all types of abuse all throughout my childhood and early adulthood. I ran away when I was 18, as far away as I could i.e. to a different country and never returned. I've kept in contact with my family though and have seen them at least once a year since.

Now, my dad is a very aggressive alcoholic, his dad was to his mum and my mum's dad was to her mum. Guess that explains slightly how this seems normal to them to a degree. He's a very typical abuser and follows every trick in the book, the only person it doesn't work on is me.

I guess where I'm going with this is... My mum is still with him. And I think he still beats her. My dad, as much as people like to sugar coat it, is the most selfish person I've known with absolutely no morals. He hasn't once paid a single bill in his working life and continuously sponged off my mum. And she's let him. Oh why does she let him! I try to talk to her but she won't discuss it, she changes the subject or says everything is OK. And since I'm not there I don't really know but she's changed recently, she's a lot more quiet and seems withdrawn. I worry about her but she won't open up.

I fought mental battles about this when I first fled and then life happened and I kind of forgot all about it, like it never happened. I blocked it out. But recently it has all surfaced and I feel I need closure. I need to move on with my life and close that horrendous chapter. But how can I! When it is still going on and I know, my sister's told me. I scream to myself, mum get rid of him! Never see him again! But she's got a million excuses, she's also a typical victim who's been made to believe at least part of this is her fault.

So please, people who grew up in abusive families, help me out. How do I deal with something that's out of my control. The way my mum sees it, it's her business and shouldn't concern me. But how does she not understand that she is my mum and he is my dad, it'll always concern me, it'll always hurt me. Sometimes I'm angry, why didn't she ever leave, why did she let us witness all that and get so damaged and hurt day in day out. How could she put that man before her kids? I've never told her that since I know it'd upset her. Other times I just want her to get a grip and kick him out. She kind of did, she bought him out of the flat. He went to live with his dad, squandered all the money and she took him in 3 months later. It makes me so angry!!! I think, mum, get a grip! Again, I can't tell her, it would do no good. I have to carry it with me and I'm not prepared to do this any more. Am I being selfish? I just want it to stop.
My mum would have all the support from our family if she dropped him but she won't. Think she's embarrassed, scared, lonely when he's not there, low self esteem and many other things.

So what's my choice?
I'm also torn about my dad. He's the scum of the earth and my head knows it. But my heart says, he's still your dad. It reminds me of the time he took me for driving lessons or we watched TV together. Those moment were so rare but it's all my heart has left to hang onto.

Please share your experiences and how you coped
I need help

Kayalana99

I feel for you I do, I wish I could give you answer you seek but the truth is it doesn't exist.

My mum is in a similar position (to be fair he doesn't physically abuse her but everything else under the sun not working / controllive / just generally a horrible person but I won't go into details) and I have asked myself the same question over and over again...why don't you just leave him?

The fact is your Mum could walk out the door tonight, tomorrow or she could stay with him the rest of his life...but nothing you can say will ever make her do anything she doesn't want to do. I have lost slept over knowing my Mum is with someone she has even admitted to me she is only with him out of fear he will take the kids of her..but I have also learned to accept the fact that I can't make her walk out that door.

She has to come to this decision by herself and she has to make this choice, you need to step back and as selfish as it is...concentrate on your own life and leave others to theirs.

I know...it's not that simple shes your Mum he's your dad (I am perhaps lucky in that respect that the Man in my mums life is not my Dad..*shudder*!) but end day it is thier life.

And no you are not being selfish, you just care ~ their is nothing wrong with that in itself.

ETA: I think the turning point for me on coping was the day when I realised their was nothing I could do... I used to worry about it constantly and want to help her but I accepted that the only person who can help my Mum...is my Mum and I just try and accept her decision to stay with him without asking to many questions..but if she ever comes to me for help I will be their.

TBagpuss

Sadly, you can't make the choice for your mum.

If you haven't already, you might find it is helpful to talk to a counsellor or therapist, to help you to deal with your (perfectly reasonable and understandable) feelings about their relationship.

I think the only other thing which you can do is to be there for you mum, if and when she wants you to. this might include things such as offering to look after important papers / running away money for her, letting her know that it is not her fault, that is she decides to leave him, she will have support and understanding from you and from your sister.

CouldHaveBeenFamily

Kayalana99 wrote: »

She has to come to this decision by herself and she has to make this choice, you need to step back and as selfish as it is...concentrate on your own life and leave others to theirs.

Hi Kayalana99

Thank you for your support

Yes, I agree and I know it but deep inside I just want to ask her why? But I shall refrain from interrogation, she must have her reasons. She wouldn't be honest with me anyway. And yes, she's an adult and is obviously realising what she's doing to me and the rest of our family and still chooses to stay.

It just angers me and I don't want to feel this way, I don't want negativity in my life, it sucks you up and holds you down, that's not the way I choose to live.

I think I'll write her a letter, maybe it'll be easier to express myself and for her to take it in. Just to explain that it doesn't have to be this way and we're here for her

System

The only thing that will help your Mum if she decides she's had enough is if you say to her now.

'Mum if you decide to leave Dad I'm here for you. Just ring me and i'll put a roof over your head, feed you, just look after you until you get onto your feet again'.

Then at least she knows she has options.

CouldHaveBeenFamily

TBagpuss wrote: »

Sadly, you can't make the choice for your mum.

Thanks TBagpuss

It's so hard to accept that he's allowed to get away with everything, to observe and not to be allowed even a voice as it's not my business. I'll try and forget it all, ignorance is bliss. I know it won't make it go away, none of this will go away for as long as my father is alive. But at least maybe I'll be able to bury it deep enough for now

GobbledyGook

Have you thought about having counselling? I did it my late teens and it really helped.

My father was a drink and drug-addled evil bully. He beat my Mum senseless and he would beat my brother and I. He was also nasty to the extent of having us all sat around the table for 'lunch' when there was only enough food for him and he knew we were hungry.

My Grandparents snapped and took us when we were 7. They went to court and we lived with them after that. Despite my Nana crying her eyes out in the court, begging my mother (her daughter) to come home with us she chose to go back to him.

Nothing made her see sense until she was dying and he sold her painkillers despite knowing she'd be in excruciating pain and then she finally got it.

Your Mum won't make the decision to leave (if she ever) does because of anything you say. If she was going to leave for you then she would have done it when you were a child. All you can do is tell her she'll have a roof with you if she leaves no matter what time of day or night and hope that one day she'll turn up.

I can't recommend counselling enough. It helped me deal with all the conflicting emotions with regard to my mother and gave me a clearer head with regard to him.

BigAunty

Helping friends and family who are victims of Domestic Abuse, how to look after yourself, information to understand why she still stays with him, etc.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080023&sectionTitle=Helping+friends+and+family

Also contains contact information of a Phd student seeking to study the impact of domestic abuse on family members.