Advice on leaving an abusive relationship - financially attached

going_nowhere_fast

I am looking for some advice for a friend who wants to leave her marrage - I know MSE is full of helpful people and is full of knowledge and experience so was hoping that somebody could give me some advice that I could pass on to her.

She wants to leave her husband (who is a heavy drinker, verbally abusive and controlling), her children do not want to live with their dad so she needs to do this for them too.

She does not know how to go about this and has put it off for many years because she is financially tied to him and although she could cope financially on her own with the children she doesn't know how to financially separate from him if that makes sense. I do not know all the financial figures as she is not aware of them herself (I think burying her head in the sand because she has felt like she is stuck there) but a rough idea of her situation is as follows:-

They have a mortgage in joint names. I don't know how much is owing on the mortgage but they are in a arrears by a few thousand pounds. They are currently paying the interest only every month and making payments towards the arrears on a monthly basis.

They have joint utility debts which again they are paying back on a monthly basis. These are approximately a couple of thousand pounds.

She mentioned a loan but not how much or if it was in her name only or joint (I don't know if you can get joint loans).

Her wages go in to a joint bank account.

She is happy to move out and rent somewhere with her children and leave her husband with the house but if she did this, how does she get her name off the mortgage? Her husband is likely to be uncoperative with this and I do not know how this works with the mortgage company.

Alternatively, if she was to stay in the house with the children and asks him to leave, how does she remove his name from the mortgage bearing in mind that they are in arrears and again he would be uncooperative?

She earns enough that she could just about manage to run the house without her husband's wage (or she could afford to rent somewhere with the children) but he is not going to let her end the relationship without causing her as much trouble as possible and because of the joint debt it feels like an impossible situation for her.

They have a joint bank account and he controls the finances, monitors her phone calls, text messages, email etc.

How does she go about leaving and starting up again because of her financial ties to him? How does she separate herself finanicially and deal with the house situ? She could possibly move in with in with her mum while it is sorted but either his name needs to be removed from the mortgage or hers does.

I know the debts are joint and if it comes to it she is willing to pay them solely by herself - she knows this will take years but is prepared to do this to be out of the relationship.

Any practical advice is very welcome.

GobbledyGook

If her husband is abusive then the best thing she can do is speak to Women's Aid. They are the experts on that sort of situation and will have seen the issues with the finances many times before.

going_nowhere_fast

GobbledyGook wrote: »

If her husband is abusive then the best thing she can do is speak to Women's Aid. They are the experts on that sort of situation and will have seen the issues with the finances many times before.

I honestly don't think she would do that. Sometimes she recognises his behaviour is abusive, and sometimes she says he's not that bad really. I know she is building up to the point of leaving him but is only holding back because she doesn't know how to actually go about doing it.

I might ring WA up and get some advice on her behalf.

BigAunty

Shelter has a section on domestic abuse and relationship breakdowns that will help her understand her rights and options with regards to accommodation.

She should look at her local council website (and Shelter) for their domestic abuse and homelessness service - those with dependents leaving due to domestic abuse are considered a priority for support and assistance. See their websites to understand the local authority homelessness process.

The Womens Aid website gives practical information for how to prepare to leave home, what things to take, how to deal with finances and so on. The most risky time for an abused woman is when she is trying to leave - they have a lot of information on how she can do this more safely.

They, like Shelter and perhaps the local council, give info on occupation orders and injunctions which are gained in court and are the main methods whereby a joint owner can be excluded from the property.

She cannot get his name taken off the mortgage. The only way that she can become a sole owner is when she has his permission and if she can demonstrate to a lender that she has sufficient income to pay the mortgage herself. It's not whether she feels she can afford the mortgage but whether she meets a lenders income to loan ratio. The same applies for getting him off the mortgage - she could consent but unless he is willing to do this and also has enough income on his single salary to convince a mortgage company to do this, it won't happen. Same with selling the property - both have to consent.

If she looks into divorcing him, she will see that property ownership, dividing up equity and debts, etc, is covered in the process. She may be able to secure, for example, the right to live in the property until her youngest turns 18. She needs to see a solicitor.

WA can also give benefits advice, too. The Turn2us online benefit calculator will also help her identify her benefit entitlements as a lone parent.

Get her to post details of her joint and sole named debts on the debt free wanabee board and the members there will give her info on a strategy to make the payments manageable, the best free debt charities to contact. The Direct Gov website should also have information on how to manage debt.

bargainbetty

I would suggest in the first instance that she open a personal bank account in her own name and start squirreling as much of her salary into it as she possibly can. She can transfer over her share of the bills, but there is no reason why he should have control over her income.

egoode

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

I honestly don't think she would do that. Sometimes she recognises his behaviour is abusive, and sometimes she says he's not that bad really. I know she is building up to the point of leaving him but is only holding back because she doesn't know how to actually go about doing it.

I might ring WA up and get some advice on her behalf.

If she's saying he's not that bad then it may be that she's not actually ready to leave him. However at a minimum she should be getting her own bank account and have the paperwork sent to her mother's place or to someone else she can trust and she should try and at least start saving some money for herself that he has no control over.

Just try and support her and be there for here but be aware she may not be ready to leave any time soon which you may not understand.

going_nowhere_fast

I think she doesn't want to be with him but she would prefer him to leave her rather than her leave him because it is so much easier. I'll leave her to it and be hear for her whichever route she chooses.

Sounds like it's very difficult ending a relationship when there are finances involved.

Has made me enjoy being single all the more!