Help for siblings with disabled brother/sister

Hi

We have two teenage boys, one of whom has serious health problems and suffers with depression and anxiety. The relationship between the two of them is terrible and I think the younger one (13 years old) is finding it really hard at the moment. We try and make sure that he has as normal a life as possible but its not always easy and he gets resentful towards his brother and refuses to make allowances for his health.

I sometimes think it would help for our 13 yo to talk to someone outside of the family about his brother but I dont know who to go to or what sort of help might be available. Has anyone else been through this and got any advice or suggestions?
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  • sheeps68
    sheeps68 Posts: 670
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    Have a look via your local authority for Young Carers groups. Your local authority Children's team will have details. If your uncomfortable with this most schools and school nurses can find out information for you.
  • YORKSHIRELASS
    YORKSHIRELASS Posts: 6,276
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    Thank you, will look at that. Didnt think of asking school for information either so thats helpful. I did think about asking if school had a counsellor but I dont think he will like that idea.

    In any case he may not want to do this but if I do some research first and see what the options are (if any) we can take it from there.
  • tronlegacy
    tronlegacy Posts: 337 Forumite
    Have a look at https://www.sibs.org.uk
    Might get some information from there :)
  • lukieboy96
    lukieboy96 Posts: 666 Forumite
    Carers First are very good and offer counselling aswell as activities. My son benefitted immensely from them.
  • YORKSHIRELASS
    YORKSHIRELASS Posts: 6,276
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    tronlegacy wrote: »
    Have a look at https://www.sibs.org.uk
    Might get some information from there :)

    Thank you so much, I am going to give the website address to my youngest. Kind of wonder how I have never come across this website before but there you go. The one thing I have learnt over the years is that any help or information out there has to be tracked down and more often than not its down to chance if you find it!

    Going to look at Carers First too. There is a local Carers group in our area too so I might get in touch with them.
  • speak to your GP see if he/she can arrange some counselling
  • fabforty
    fabforty Posts: 809 Forumite
    OP, slightly off topic but your post reminded me of something. You don't mention what your son's disability is and how it impacts on his future (so this may be irrelvant) but if your son will need care in the future, have you explained to your younger son that you have made provision for this and that the responsibility will not fall on him?


    Siblings can sometimes feel resentful if they think that their own future and future plans, will be affected by a siblings' care needs (once parents are no longer able to do this themselves). It is more a case of being worried, but presenting itself as resentment.
  • YORKSHIRELASS
    YORKSHIRELASS Posts: 6,276
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    fabforty wrote: »
    OP, slightly off topic but your post reminded me of something. You don't mention what your son's disability is and how it impacts on his future (so this may be irrelvant) but if your son will need care in the future, have you explained to your younger son that you have made provision for this and that the responsibility will not fall on him?


    Siblings can sometimes feel resentful if they think that their own future and future plans, will be affected by a siblings' care needs (once parents are no longer able to do this themselves). It is more a case of being worried, but presenting itself as resentment.

    Do you know this is something I have not really thought about. Our eldest has joked before about living with his brother when we cant look after him any more but it never occurred to me that our youngest might actually worry about this. The problem is that our 13 year old just doesnt seem to want to talk about his brother so I dont know what he is thinking.

    I have always naively thought that the youngest just accepts things how they are because its all he has ever known. I think now that he is growing up he is starting to question things but he doesnt want to talk openly with us about it (maybe because he doesnt want to say things that will worry us).
  • fabforty
    fabforty Posts: 809 Forumite
    edited 27 May 2014 at 9:05AM
    Do you know this is something I have not really thought about. Our eldest has joked before about living with his brother when we cant look after him any more but it never occurred to me that our youngest might actually worry about this. The problem is that our 13 year old just doesnt seem to want to talk about his brother so I dont know what he is thinking.

    I have always naively thought that the youngest just accepts things how they are because its all he has ever known. I think now that he is growing up he is starting to question things but he doesnt want to talk openly with us about it (maybe because he doesnt want to say things that will worry us).



    I only mentioned it because I had a friend and cousin who were in the same position as your younger son, and I distinctly remember (especially with my friend) that this was a big deal to her. I remember comments she made around age 14/15, when we all talked about careers, jobs etc to the effect that she couldn't do what she wanted to do (join the Army or Navy) because she had to help her parents with her sisters (both were disabled). They couldn't go on holiday or days out, and money was tight because her mum couldn't work and her dad could only work part-time. All of which, affected her.

    When we got older, she used to joke that no man would want her with two 'grown up kids' in tow. We were never allowed into her house because she was embarassed at what they might do in front of us. Both were double incontinent so the house smelled (her words, not mine), but she would never say anything to her parents because she was aware that it was hard for them, and she felt that she had nothing to complain about - after all, she was the 'lucky' one. She did feel resentful though.

    Another thought, but perhaps your older son is concerned about it too, hence the 'jokes' about it.
  • YORKSHIRELASS
    YORKSHIRELASS Posts: 6,276
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    Thank you. Youngest been out with his friends today and the eldest has no-one to do anything with. But it did give me the opportunity to talk to the youngest as he brought his brother a bag of sweets home and said he felt sorry for him. I said that was really nice of him but he must never feel guilty about going out and living his own life because of his brother. We had a little chat about this, although I did most of the talking!

    I have realised that I do feel out of my depth with all of this though and I am going to get some professional advice once the school holidays are over.
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