Is it cheaper for him to not marry me?

Claire1175

Hi


This question comes after weeks of wondering why my partner won't get on with proposing to me?


To cut a long story short, we got back together (both of us have a child from another partner) because he promised that he wanted to be with me forever, to make me happy and to get married. After some hard life experience, I will only live with someone again if they're prepared to marry me and I was thinking he's the one.


We each rent different homes. He spends the week with me and I at his home at the weekends when we bring the kids together. He treats myself and my child to lots of days out etc.


I am between contracts and have been taking some time out to work on a creative project which means I'm supporting myself from savings .. which will not go on forever. And, I do want to earn again and bring money in. So, I will eventually go back to work.


But, it's a pressure. If my partner proposed to me then I feel I would have the security to move in with him and it would help me to feel confident about everything else instead of fruitlessly worrying .. I already practically run his private life for him like a housewife, PA, childminder etc except from a separate home and without the status of being his wife.


Despite me saying that he needs to make it happen now, he's actually done nothing about it. There's always something more pressing. I need to see that commitment from him for me to have it in my heart to keep giving him 'all the benefits of a housewife' but without the recognition.


I am hanging from week to week wondering will he / won't he .... It's so bad that I've given him an ultimatum to 'propose before the month is out' or I'll move on with my life in a different direction.


He knows that I feel slightly obliged to stay together because the kids are now close and I just can't face any more upheaval or distress to anyone. So, this is not such a great option.


I have to question whether he really loves me and whether he's stringing me along because he's enjoying a cheap deal with me? So speaking of cheap deals .. I want to ask whether he's calculated that it is cheaper for him individually to continue in this 'limbo' way than to do the honourable thing.


While there are some advantages to marriage, he is already financially secure and probably I offer a lot less to the party financially by combining assets etc.


Can anyone tell me if this growing 'hunch' is based in any fact? Is it cheaper for a wealthier partner to live apart or at the most co-habit rather than marry???


Thanks in advance for any constructive financial feedback (the emotional side of things I'll have to deal with later ...)


Claire1175

tea_lover

If you want to get married why aren't you asking him? Maybe he's worried your old-fashioned ideas will also mean you expect to be supported once married and won't be looking for work.

reehsetin

doubt it's cheaper not to as you'd save on running costs of two households, but even then the security and legal rights acquired would be worth it wouldn't it?

I say propose yourself, if he says no then at least you know either way

duchy

I don't think you can separate the financial from the emotional-

Yes he probably is better off with you living apart -but if he knows you want to get married and it isn't going to throw you as a couple into a massively disadvantaged position -should it matter to him?

Could he be concerned that if you marry whilst you are not bringing in income that you won't bother going back into paid work ?

susieq87

there's a wise saying that goes: "know your place in that man's life before you starting doing things like you're that man's wife"

it seems to me that you think your s/o is getting a free ride in a fancy car. you cannot force a man to marry you because then he will always be resentful of that. he said that he loves you and wants to marry him so let him do this in his own time, by forcing him you are not really encouraging him but more so nagging. if you feel like you're doing too much for him and he's getting comfortable then stop doing it. treat him like your boyfriend which he is instead of your husband which is not (yet)

Mojisola

Claire1175 wrote: »

We each rent different homes. He spends the week with me and I at his home at the weekends when we bring the kids together. He treats myself and my child to lots of days out etc.

I already practically run his private life for him like a housewife, PA, childminder etc except from a separate home and without the status of being his wife.

Despite me saying that he needs to make it happen now, he's actually done nothing about it. There's always something more pressing.

I am hanging from week to week wondering will he / won't he .... It's so bad that I've given him an ultimatum to 'propose before the month is out' or I'll move on with my life in a different direction.

He knows that I feel slightly obliged to stay together because the kids are now close and I just can't face any more upheaval or distress to anyone. So, this is not such a great option.

I have to question whether he really loves me and whether he's stringing me along because he's enjoying a cheap deal with me? So speaking of cheap deals .. I want to ask whether he's calculated that it is cheaper for him individually to continue in this 'limbo' way than to do the honourable thing.

If you can't talk about these things with each other, should you be building a life together?

You've had to threaten him that you'll leave if he doesn't propose to you - what value would a proposal have if he asked you under duress like that?

He's got a "wife" without any of the legal and financial responsibilities that come with marriage. He doesn't even have to look after his own kids when they stay with him because you're there to do it.

He might be anxious that you won't go back to work if he marries you but, again, this should be something that you talk about. If you get married, you will be as responsible for him as he will be for you - if he was out of work, you would have to support him.

How can there be "something more pressing" than saying "Will you marry me?" unless you've told him you're expecting the proposal to be a big event?

Alikay

A proposal won't mean much without it leading to a marriage and shared home life, especially as your post says he already promised to marry you at the point you got back together. It looks like he was promising the things you wanted to get you back in his life, and now that has happened he wants to revert to his own agenda.

Personally I wouldn't do the proposing if I were you - he already knows what you want, and for some reason won't deliver. That in itself would have me doubting whether I wanted to be with him. I wouldn't let the fact that the children are close cloud your decision about whether to end the relationship or not. They don't share a permanent home, just weekends together, and you could always arrange for contact for the two of them to continue if everyone concerned thinks that would be beneficial.

Why on earth are you running his domestic life for him too? I'd be giving back his door key and let him sort out his own sock-washing and grocery shopping! Ever heard the phrase "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Kayalana99

I don't understand unless you are very old fashioned what does him proposing actually change?

If you want to move in together why not do it now? Surely all your problems you have mentioned are around the fact you are living apart and not combining finances? Marriage isn't going to change that.

No wonder if he doesn't want to propose I can only imagine that it seems to you that if he does then he has to commit everything...home ..money..wedding...etc when really you should be taking it in small steps? Not in one big go?

Idiophreak

I'd give some thought to the fact that he may simply not be ready to marry you at the moment. Imagine the shoe's on the other foot..you're with him, things are going well...you can see a future together, but just aren't "there yet" and he says if you don't agree to marry him he'll leave you....how would that make you feel?

It takes two people to make a marriage, both of them have to be fully committed. There's simply no point if one person bullies the other in to it.

Tiddlywinks

Here's the blunt truth...

If a couple can't just sit down and talk about their future plans then there probably isn't too much of a future to be had together.

If he was ready to marry you then he would ask you... he hasn't.

You've then issued an ultimatum of 'propose by the end of the month or...'.... that is NOT looking like a healthy relationship to me.

My advice? Sit down and TALK - then you'll know one way or the other.

heartbreak_star

How long have you been together?

HBS x